A Heart Torn
by Xaphana Deimos
Summary: Healer and Force Mage Sangria Hawke is torn between her affections for the broody ex-slave Fenris and the revolutionary abomination mage Anders
1. Chapter 1

Her year in servitude to Athenril and her smugglers was finally over. As Sangria Hawke strode through Hightown, excitement and nerves created butterflies in her stomach. There was word of an expedition into the Deep Roads, and now that she was no longer working for the smugglers, she needed money, and fast. The Deep Roads harbored all sorts of goods, and for Carver and herself, it seemed like the best thing they could find. Gamlen couldn't save money for anything, and Mother still thought of how much she'd lost too much to focus on a job.

For a year, it had been fine. Now, staff resting against her back, robes brushing the ground, the young mage faced up to what she had to do. Her robes rustled as her feet moved, pursuing the dwarf offering an opportunity for her and Carver.

"Andraste's tits human. Do you know how many people want to hire on to this expedition? "

Dwarves. Sometimes, she almost wished she was a dwarf. Magic wouldn't bother her, demons wouldn't whisper to her at night, and if she wasn't a mage, things with her and her brother would probably be better. But then she wouldn't be who she was. And let's face it, it was rather nice to have a brother who sort of hero worshipped her even as he hated being in her shadow. And running from "her" templars as he sometimes said. She mentally shook herself to get herself back on track.

"Look, we know you're going into the Deep Roads, you'll need to hire the best and we're-" Sangria had the sudden urge to punch a dwarf when he cut her brother off with a sharp, angry "No! You're too late, already done!"

"The money from this trip could fix everything! You need us, we've fought darkspawn." Everything? Now that was a bit over the top, but Sangria continued to let her brother do the talking. He loved the chance to harass people. He'd probably make a good templar, he certainly went head to head with her enough he could probably take on any mage.

When he spoke of the darkspawn a moment of weakness fell over her. Just over a year ago she'd fought those blighted things. They took her sister. While Mother had since apologized for her angry words at Bethany's death, Sangria couldn't help but feel they still rang true. She was older, more experienced, by far the stronger mage. But her sister had wanted to prove herself, and had lost her life. Sangria should have stopped her. She was far from eager to have a repeat experience with them, but this expedition was her best chance at taking care of the two members of her family that mattered. Well, three, but Gamlen had dug his own holes, and she wasn't looking forward to digging him out.

"Look, I don't care if you tore the horns off an ogre with your bare hands." Ah, in her angriest dreams, Sangria had let the ogre burn a slow, painful death for killing her sister. Those were some of her favorites. However dreams didn't really factor into reality. Well sometimes for her they did but that was the price of being a mage. Again, she felt an almost envy of dwarves.

"You make him understand. We're running from you're bloody templars."

'Aye, there's the rub.' Sangria thought as Carver went into his I hate that my life sucks cuz my sisters a mage mindset. The near hero worship would come back to play later, but Sangria turned to face Bartrand again.

"I know my brother can be hot-headed, but we do have the skills to aid your expedition." 'Though I must admit, letting Carver punch him in the face might be fun. However that's not going to help Mother at all.'

"You're looking for a quick way out of the slums right? You and every other Ferelden in this dump." Every other Fereldan in this dump didn't have to put up with Gamlen's whining. She thought she should have a metal, and from Carver's quips and growing agitation, seemed she was starting to have Gamlen following her around as well. Definitely needed a metal.

"Find another meal ticket." With that Bartrand walked away. For a moment, Sangria could feel the heat of a fireball growing in her palm in reaction to her frustration, and she almost let it build, opening her palms to allow more oxygen to feed the flames before Carver's hand descended on her arm. "It's bad enough you walk about proudly with that staff of yours, no need to scream 'Hello Templars I'm a mage' any louder than you already do." Ah bitter Carver. Then of course he had to add to it "Well, back to waiting for someone to turn us in."

Sangria shot him a look. "You can relax. After all the templars dogging us are mine."

"Do I sound that bad? Maker, I'm turning into Gamlen."

Well, seemed Bartrand wasn't going anywhere. She also didn't know what else she could possibly do. She felt like she needed to win him over somehow. However that wasn't likely to happen, he seemed set against it. She almost wished she had removed the ogres head. 1) It would be great decoration for Gamlen's little shack and 2) It would be oh so fun to use to make a point.

"Speaking of Gamlen, much as I dismay to say it, this may be our only chance. So, how shall we patch things up? Think he could help us?"

"He has a head for this garbage. Perhaps he can talk to Bartrand."

Sangria's first thought was 'Ah yes, Gamlen helping us out ended lovely last time. Almost turned to a mercenary, though Carver would have loved that, instead made some money and got to be a smuggler for a time. What will it be this time I wonder? Lick Bartrands boots til they sparkle because Gamlen owes him?'

"Not as if we have anyone else to turn to." Was what she decided to say. Carver was bitter enough for both of them, she needn't add to his stress.

"I don't fancy waking up in the Gallows."

Before Sangria could get another sharp-tongued retort in, a boy bumped into her, and quite hard. She ignored it and kept moving for a bit…right up until she noticed she felt a little lighter. 'Hmm, I don't think I lost weight in seconds.'

She turned around, once more feeling her mana spark up in response, icy cold in her palm, but before she could freeze the blighted bugger, a click caught her attention, then a blur of motion that ended in the boys shoulder, pinning him to a wall. "I want to learn that trick! Then again, being a dragon would still be more useful. Id love to see the templars come after me if I could do that shapeshift thing that witch lady could."

Carver rolled his eyes and muttered something negative about magic before the previous owner of the bolt that now resided in the boys shoulder started towards her, with pouch in hand. The cold faded from her palm, leaving a slight tingling sensation behind, but otherwise she could feel herself in control again."

She smiled a little when she noticed the crossbow man punched the boy before swiftly removing he bolt.

"How do you do? Varric Tethras, at your service!"

She was almost thinking she'd have to forcefully take her pouch back, this guy had the air about him that he knew what he was doing with stealing money pouches, so she was surprised when he simply tossed it back to her.

"I apologize for Bartrand. He wouldn't know an opportunity if it hit him square in the jaw."

A smile flitted over Sangria's face at the thought of Bartrand getting punched. However, this was business.

"But you would?"

"Yes I would. Bartrands too proud. I, however, am quite practical."

Sangria raised her eyebrow inquisitively. "So what exactly is your interest in the expedition? You're a little short to be a Ferelden."

"I couldn't possibly let the head of the household go into the Deep Roads by himself. What we need is a partner though, not another sword for hire. 50 sovereigns. Bartrand is having quite the difficulty scraping together the coin for this."

"50 sovereigns? Ah yes, I'll go pull the money pouch I keep my millions in out from under my bed right now!"

The…dwarf she assumed then if Bartrand was his brother, though the lack of beard was a bit surprising to her, chuckled at that. "I can help you find jobs, and if you don't need me for that, there's always Bianca." He gestured cheerfully up to his crossbow.

Sangria raised an eyebrow once more. She had a feeling she'd either be laughing herself half to death or getting a twitch in her eye from spending time with this dwarf, but it was true. There was Aveline, and Gamlen was always complaining about how many letters she got, some of which were regarding jobs and such. Previously they'd been from Athenril, but if people like Varric knew of her so highly already, there was a good chance she could find more work that way as well. And come to think of it, 50 sovereigns was probably nothing compared to how much she could make on this trip, split 3 ways or not.

"Well I didn't have anything else planned so sure, let's go with that."

"Perfect! I have a room at the Hanged Man. We need to talk a bit, but not out here, far too open. Meet me there in a couple hours. You know the place right?"

"Know the place? I practically live there! Well, when I'm not out and about anyway."

Varric chuckled. "Good, then you'll owe me drinks when this goes well."

Well that had been fun to explain to Mother. Her mother would find out at some point, so Sangria decided it was probably best her mother knew what she was up to too begin with. "Oh my babies, I wish it hadn't come to this. At least when you come back from the expedition we should have our history back."

'Your history mom, not mine and certainly not Carver's' she thought. Though he was more open with the feeling of loss than she was; she thought of it as just making her mother happy where as Carver thought of it as rebuilding a life he wasn't a part of.

Recently, Sangria had managed to sneak into the estate that had brought them all here in the first place for a last will that Gamlen conveniently left behind when he sold the place to slavers to settle a few debts. Instead of running around doing everyone elses work, she should be living the high life in a fancy estate. But at least Mother was going to try and petition the Viscount for their estate back since it was actually willed to her.

That had led to a conversation with Carver about how he didn't feel like he fit in. Well, big surprise there, Carver brooding about something. But he did make a point. While in the bowels of the estate, Sangria had discovered papers that led her to finding out Carver was named after the templar who had saved her father from the circle and let him run off with her mother. She understood how he felt, considering Sangria had had to step in and take control for everyone's life when she didn't even know what to do with hers. She didn't feel that she had a part in this rebuild either. She'd made a name for herself doing Athenril's dirty work, that was very true, but to live in a high estate? What would people think? Would she be admired or hated. With her luck probably both, which would just confuse her more.

But she pushed those thoughts to the side. She needed to go see what it was Varric had wanted, talk to Aveline, and actually will herself to read through the letters she had piling up on the desk to see how she was going to gather 50 sovereigns. Not reading them was part too many words to focus on in her mindset, and part pissing off Gamlen. She could see his point, but didn't change the fact he'd pretty much sold her into servitude to get her in, and by selling everything her grandparents had left Leandra made her have to go about getting Mother's life back together. He deserved a little bit of a headache. She shook off those thoughts though. She was here, and even if it hadn't been what she was expecting on arrival, she was still content with having her family safe. Lothering was gone, she couldn't go home, so she was going to make a life here for her brother and Mother. The past was irrelevant now.

A smile cracked her bad mood as the soft grumbling of the family's mabari Bear sleeping in the corner where she kept records and recipes of potions and runes and poisons she might need someday. Most of the poisoning and explosions and enchanting of weapons and armor she could do herself, benefits of being a mage, but having a back-up plan never hurt.

It was almost night-time already, good time to go visit the Hanged Man. Part of her wanted to get drunk and forget her worries, but at this time of night if she lost control or got daring with her magic without her limiting mind, she could hurt a lot of people. Granted, it was Lowtown and most of the people at the Hanged Man were thieves and beggars and crooked sales people that no one would really miss, but it didn't change the fact she didn't need any more death on her hands than was necessary. Plus, killing was fun, she was good at it, she'd rather be aware of what and why she was killing someone.

Her year of servitude had gotten her some more comfortable clothes than running around in a dress all day and night, but pants were still a little weird to her, and the padded top felt heavier than she wanted. She was a mage not a warrior, she didn't need extra weight making it harder. But she had to save money for the expedition she couldn't go running around buying robes. Not yet any way. She'd treat herself when she could.

Even at night there was life in Lowtown. Life and stink. God the place wreaked of desperation and garbage, but it was better than Darktown still, so she couldn't really complain. Carver had wanted to go with her to talk to Varric but he had said alone, so she convinced Mother to tell him he needed to stay home and help her try and clean the place. Carver already begrudged Sangria everything, she didn't feel too bad about making him help mother. There was still cheese from a year ago just sitting in their room. If she didn't have to clean it but could enjoy some semblance of cleanliness she was taking the advantage.

It was a short walk from Gamlen's hovel to the Hanged Man and she paused outside the door, allowing herself a moment of relaxation to catch her breath. Hiding her pains behind humor was a hard task, she needed moments of weakness now and then. And she certainly had a long few days to look forward to trying to make the money to get in to the expedition before it left. Granted she doubted it would leave without Varric who had promised to vouch for her. She didn't know what to make of the dwarf. She had a feeling he knew exactly how to lie but she didn't really have another option. Plus he seemed funny. Had the same sort of humor she did. So it would probably be a successful partnership.

She sighed and prepared herself for the hustle and bustle of the Hanged Man this late and walked in. A bar fight was going on near the bar but she ignored it, walking over to the bartender. "Hello Corff my best friend! You know you love me right?"

"Only one free drink tonight Hawke. You helped me out when Athenril tried to get me, but after tonight no more freebies. Earn your own drinks." He said, teasing light heartedly. He kept her up to date with the news and she believed he had a thing for her, but she did know her way around men. Least when it came to flirting with them. When her advances were actually taken to heart she typically shied away. Humorously of course, but getting close to anyone scared her.

"Aww you're no fun. You know I'll just use my charms on you again next time, but for tonight I've actually got business here. Where a dwarf named Varric staying? We're going to be part of an expedition together and we needed to plan it out."

Corff gulped a little at the beautiful near white blue eyes peering out at him from a slightly tanned face framed in auburn curls. Sometimes it was braided in a half ponytail, but tonight it seemed she wasn't standing on ceremony and she had decided to leave it down. But he just laughed lightly instead of letting himself dwell on that. She was probably right, he'd give her free drinks if she really asked for them. "Up the stairs, straight ahead of you. Can't miss it. Damned dwarf stole my finest room but he's paying for it so I can't really complain."

Sangria laughed her infectious laugh and winked at him, blowing him a kiss before turning and heading up the stairs at the back of the bar area that lead to the rooms. Why did this guy need her to run around and get money for him if he had enough money to afford the suite Corff had upstairs? Ok so it was a pretty run down place, with awful alcohol you just had to settle for cuz it was cheap, and the suite wasn't all that nice and not many people even stayed at the inn. She was being foolish again but she was allowed foolish thoughts, long as she wasn't too foolish in her actions.

"Hawke! I'm glad you came! Took you long enough I almost thought you weren't going to show."

"Well I might as well talk to the man I'm going to owe drinks too when this goes over. Wouldn't do to run off into the Deep Roads with a stranger."

Varric chuckled in his usual manner before splaying out paper with plans and ideas for the expedition, but as she looked, she didn't see too many maps. Did they know where they were going and how to get there? Just as she was about to ask, Varric waved his hand over the papers and said "We need a good entrance to the Deep Roads."

"Do we have a bad entrance? "

"We need an entrance that keeps us away from the main darkspawn but hasn't been explored too much. I hear theres a grey warden in town."

"I would normally avoid Grey Wardens but ok fine. I'll get our maps from him."

Darktown. Why did it seem everything was in Darktown? It was the most depressing place she'd ever seen yet she always seemed to have business down here. Varric told her there was a woman in one of the stores that knew the warden. A mage. She wasn't sure if that was good or bad. As a fellow mage he would probably be easy to get along with, but she also hadn't had the normal life of a mage. Her father had trained her and Bethany, not the Circle. She didn't know what was so bad about it that they'd had to shield her from it for year, but she assumed they just didn't want to lose her and Bethany. It seemed wrong to Sangria that they force children from their families so she'd never fought it. A grey warden who'd snuck in with some Fereldans. 'Guess the chaos of the Blight would make it easy to escape'

At first she had no idea where she was going. She decided to stop by Tomwise and see if he had any more poisons for her and look for the lantern lit from there, but on her way there she'd seen it. The one bright light in the darkness of the ragged depths of humanity. "God I sound like a romantic. Too bad I'm not confessing my love to someone any time soon, that'd be a good line."

Carver had followed Sangria at first, but when they neared the lantern he scoffed. "Another mage. You deal with him, I'll wait out here." She had been glad enough to have someone watching her back in this place, but she was also glad he wasn't going to bother her. He hated mages, and she was going to be playing nice with this one. She needed those maps. She looked to Carver who was leaning his back against the wall, his arms crossed as he glowered at the world and muttered under his breath. She sighed then opened the doors leading into the clinic…and was, surprised.

She knew that he was a healer mage, but to see it in action, that was a sight. Were Grey Warden's all about killing, taint, and darkspawn? How did this man have the time? Though she supposed if he was in Kirkwall he was probably trying to get away from something, just as much as she was.

She watched as his hands floated over his patient, and could see the mana he was expending to heal her. She didn't want to interrupt and have something go wrong so for the moment she just stood with the door partially ajar, watching. She wondered if he could teach her how to do that. But that was foolish. She was just here to get the maps for Varric and she him and Carver would go down to the deep roads. But Maker a healer would be useful. She knew a very basic healing spell that mostly just helped the mind focus on other things rather than actually healing a wound, and it sped up the process of healing just a little. She had always specialized in attack magic, calling on the elements to destroy rather than help. Bethany had been starting to heal. Bethany. Sangria sighed and mentally smacked herself. This was not the time for memories. They could keep her up when she got back to Gamlen's and tried to lay down and sleep, but she wouldn't let them distract her now.

When Anders stepped away from his patient and turned away it seemed the opportune time to enter. No one else appeared to be lining up for service so she walked up to him. Before she could announce herself he whirled around, looking about ready to attack her. Her eyes went wide as amber eyes bore into her own.

"I have made this place a Sanctum of Healing and Salvation! Why do you threaten it?"

Well that hadn't exactly been the reaction she was expecting. He'd nearly fallen over just a moment ago after saving a young boy from whatever it had been that ailed him, and now he looked ready to start a fight again.

Instead of being cowed, she was her usual sarcastic self. "Strange occupation for a Warden. Aren't you more about taint and death than healing and salvation?"

She wasn't about to lie, there was great power to this man. She was afraid. Obviously this man was used to being on the run from anyone and anything he didn't recognize as friend. Maker, he was rather charming though. What a time for her feminine side to rise up and declare this probably dangerous man gorgeous.

"Did the Wardens send you here to bring me back? I won't go. They made me get rid of my cat!"

He kept talking about the cat, Ser-Pounce-A-Lot apparently, but she was only half listening. Who left an organization just because of an animal? Then again if someone tried to take Bear from her she'd probably feel bereft herself. A mabari would hardly make her seem soft though. Apparently his cat fought darkspawn.

She waited until he stopped talking about the cat before deciding she might as well just get down to business. She had a feeling she'd asked him a few questions to learn more of the cat but her mind was focused now. "I'm planning an expedition into the Deep Roads actually. Anything you could share to help could save lives."

His already on guard face seemed to close off a little more. "I would die a happy man if I never had to go to the blighted deep roads again. You can't imagine what I've come through to get here." She had a feeling escaping from Lothering was probably at least an idea of what it took to escape the Wardens, but weren't they for life? Apparently she'd asked about that too, he explained that as a warden you sense the darkspawn and have a shortened life spawn but if you don't dress the part you don't have to go to the parties. Maker why could she only barely remember a conversation she was having right at this very moment? Other than flirting with Corff for free drinks, if you could even call that swill a drink, she hadn't actually found a man attractive in a while. Was too dangerous to get distracted, someone might realize what she was and one single rumor could have ruined her life as she knew it. Not that her life had ended up much better but she had begun to make a life for herself and her family here. Apparently she was getting too comfortable with it.

Considering she had barely noticed the conversation happening, when he mentioned a favor for a favor, she jumped on it as the opportunity she had been looking for. "If you help my expedition I'll do anything for you."

That seemed to startle the mage. She probably should ask about the favor more but she was itching to be done with this expedition business, make her money, and hurry up and jump in board for the expedition before it was too late.

"You don't want to know what it is I'm asking? What if it was Meredith's head on a stick?"

Sangria almost giggled at that. Seemed the guy could make jokes. At least, she hoped it was a joke. Much as she had been trained to dislike templars it didn't change the fact the last thing she needed was to spike a rebellion or slay a woman even the viscount himself left to do as she pleased. She was either that scary or that focused. Either way steering clear of her seemed like her best bet.

"Is that what you're asking?"

"I came to Kirkwall to aid a friend, a mage."

Yes yes, on with it. Sooner this task was over the closer she'd be to getting on this expedition. She was not looking forward to facing templars though, as that was apparently what she was about to do. A friend of his, a mage, had been dragged off to the Gallows, and Anders wanted her to break him out. Fighting templars was a bad, bad idea. But then again if she killed them it wasn't as if they could report a mage. Athenril had protected her the last year, none had gotten wind of her yet, but she wasn't looking forward to this. She was to meet him at the Chantry later and help him get his friend out past the templars. Lovely. And of course he had to mention hopefully they'd walk out free. Chains didn't go well with her skin color.

"Ah thugs. If only there were more of them! I would probably make 50 sovereigns in no time with people paying me for ridding the world of gangs."

Varric had already mentioned that she could make money killing gangs and making the streets safer, and even Aveline admitted she was rarely sent out to deal with the gangs but she'd make sure Hawke got thanked properly. Alas, killing them was so boring. They all died so quickly.

The whistle of Varric's bolts took out three of the gang members, just as Sangria pulled her staff from her back. First things first, to not die. The clink of rock forming around her blocked out sound of the fighting for a moment as her elemental armor wrapped around her body, protecting her tender breakable mage flesh, and around that sparks formed an arcane magic shield around her. She wasn't great at defense either but it at least made it harder for enemies to hurt her.

While Carver charged in for the one that seemed like the leader of this wave, she aimed her staff at five of the thugs that had grouped together, preparing a full on assault on Carver. However, before they could all attack, a bolt of lightning reigned down from the sky, flashing through one of them before hitting the ground and bouncing back up to take out the rest. The five men fell and the smell of burned flesh wafted through the air. "Mmm toasted thug. My favorite."

As those five faded, she felt the veil weaken around them to pull in the spirits. She knew she could take some of their life energy to feed her own, but she loathed to do it. She'd accidently discovered that particular talent when her father had sent her out to get them dinner and she accidently killed a little bird. Very slight life energy for such a small body, but she'd decided to pull it towards her as it headed for the Fade instead of letting it cross over, curious, and had felt some of the energy she'd lost chasing it return to her. In horror, she swore she'd never do it again unless she desperately needed the help.

Thus far none of the enemies had neared her but she could see several going after Carver. Maker, for all his bitterness he didn't have the sense to turn it into fury and fight. He just swung his sword around and relied on the force, tiring himself out far more than he should. She opened her palms in his direction and used the little healing she had to keep him going before turning to face the other gang members who'd dropped from the roves around them. She lept back, keeping her distance, swinging the palm she'd just used to cast the spell towards Carver in their direction before turning it to the sky. Angry red flames burst to life in her open hands, hungrily lapping at skin she wouldn't let them touch as they came to life. For a moment she strengthened them, feeling the drain on her mana from casting spells simultaneously, before pulling her hand back then pushing it towards the men getting a little closer than she liked.

She told the flames to devour them, and they exploded in their excitement, but with the men so close to her she felt the powerful heat from then as the force she'd created them with sent her skidding backwards. The men were gone but that spell had been a little too close to her for comfort. This wasn't the time to worry though. She whirled around, prepared to face more men, only to watch Carver at last take out the leader.

"About time little brother, I almost thought I would have to do all the fighting myself!"

As expected, Carver's eyes shot daggers in her direction. For all that he told everyone it was only her that had gotten them safely away from Lothering, he was certainly a proud young man. She loved needling him every chance she got. At the end of the day, she'd die protecting him, but she didn't have to like him to love him.

She looked over to Varric who was grinning and stroking Bianca in that eerie way of his. Like he was touching a human being. Tenderly. She'd asked him a couple times for the story behind Bianca but he kept deflecting it with humor rather than answer. So she just had to sit back and watch him near fondle his weapon before settling it back on his shoulders.

Thankfully, it had been Carver who'd taken out the leader and the body was salvageable. If she looked hard she could probably find a couple valuables on the charred men around, but she doubted it would be worth it. She walked over to the body and knelt, in this moment glad she wore pants rather than a robe, otherwise she'd have another stain to clean out of her robes later. She patted down the body, pulling a couple silvers and a bloodied note. For a moment she almost put it back, but instead she decided to read it. And was glad she had. Apparently this gang had a hideout near the docks where some meeting was supposed to happen. Wouldn't they be surprised when a mage burst through the doors and torched them all to get rewarded for taking out a volatile gang. She slid it into her pocket before straightening up.

"Well templars, here I come. Try not to hurt me too badly."

With that she started towards the Chantry where Anders was supposed to be waiting for them. She didn't bother looking back, Carver's muttering and Varric's heavy footsteps followed her as she made her way up the path. It had taken her a while to truly get her bearings here, but after a year she'd mostly managed. She found her way to the Chantry quickly, almost wishing she'd gotten Aveline to come with her, but Carver was warrior enough and with her spells backed up by Varric's bolts they could probably take on most templars. Hopefully Anders would be helping at least a little with the fighting. Better yet, there'd be no fighting and they'd get in and out quickly.

She was almost hoping the mage wouldn't show, that he'd decided this was suicidal and gone back to his clinic to give them the maps tomorrow. However those hopes were quickly dashed when he was leaning against the Chantry wall, looking up the stairs until he saw them approaching. 'What have I gotten myself into?' she thought, though her face outwardly shown nothing of the fear she felt making her stomach squirm. This could end so badly.

"I just saw Karl go in. No templars so far."

Sangria sighed. Seemed they might be in the clear. Somehow she doubted her luck would hold but for now she was grateful this may not be as bad as she was fearing. "I didn't see anything strange out here either. Let's do this fast."

"I'll handle the talking, you watch for templars." He had a nice voice, she wasn't too worried about hearing it rather than her own. She wasn't exactly sure what she was getting into, so probably for the best she let Anders handle it anyway. All she had to do was fight a few templars. No big deal, they only wanted to clap her in chains and drag her off so she never saw her family or the outside again.

As they entered the Chantry, alarm bells instantly went off in her head. Granted, it was late, but shouldn't there be at least a priest or two keeping their vigil late into the night, readying the door for repentant sinners who'd just commited some nameless horror and needed forgiveness lest it be too late for their souls? She never bought much into a benevolent spirit watching the world, far too much chaos in it for her to believe in him, but enough blinded themselves to the logic in search of blind desperate faith she had assumed someone would be here.

But only their footsteps sounded on the floor. Shouldn't this Karl be looking out for them? Anders had seen him walk in, so he must be here somewhere. They all scanned the hall before taking to the stairs. Finally, they saw the mages robes, the mage himself staring off into the wall.

When he spoke though, when he spoke she felt a chill. No inflection, no emotion. Anders must have known, but was in denile until his friend turned to face them, a fresh red mark emblazoned on his head.

Karl kept talking for a little while, but all she could do was think in horror 'Oh god, they made him tranquil. And here comes our good friends the templars now.'

The last thought occurred as metal armor scrapped against the floor and she heard armor clinking together. She turned to face what she guessed at first to be ten or so templars. In seconds her staff was in her hand, however it seemed something was going on in Anders head a well. And with his body. This time when she stared at him it had nothing to do with attraction.

Blue light poured out of his skin, blue lightning crackling in his once amber eyes, rifts in his skin opening to shine blue light. Then it was gone again and Anders fell into a crouch, but before she could try and figure out what was going on, the blue light returned and Anders looked pissed.

"You will never take another mage as you took him!"

That wasn't the voice she'd heard the man speaking in only seconds ago. Something weird was going on, but as Anders charged into battle, she put it in her mental folder of things to do when she wasn't at risk of death. Or tranquility. Somehow, the tranquility scared her more than death.

While bolts of blue mana flew from Ander's staff at the templars, Sangria's staff once more aimed towards the collection of templars. They were trained to resist magic, and their armor was warded, but warded or not it didn't change the fact that lightning and metal were far too close for any human's comfort. A bolt shot from her staff, shocking the templar who got closest to her, lightning flashing all around his armor before jumping to the next templars, the attraction to much for it to remain in once place. As the bolts faded, an array of arrows descended onto the somehow still standing templars. Normally their armor would have protected them, but with a full onslaught of Varric's crossbow bolts, it was impossible for ever weakness in the patched together armor to remain safe. One by one they fell. A fireball later and it seemed the battle was over. Seemed Carver had put his anger to use this time around, and with whatever was happening to Anders the templars didn't stand a chance.

However, she could feel…something from Anders. Though her attentions had been on the fight she could feel the light from Anders. It seemed as if…as if the Fade itself were present on his skin. Every time she dared fall asleep she was met with the Fade. This wasn't a demons whispering as she knew her experiences with the Fade to be, but there was…something powerful in Anders.

However, as the fight ended, it seemed to take Anders new Fade powers away as well.

As they turned to face Karl again, he looked as stunned as she was by what had just happened to his friend. A moment later he was voicing her own feelings. The Fade itself was somehow a part of Anders being. Apparently it was strong enough to make the mage feel it again as well. Tranquil were supposed to be completely disconnected from Fade, yet whatever was in Anders seemed to have fixed something in the man.

She decided now would be a good time to voice her own questions. Might as well ask now while it was completely unavoidable. "What exactly did you do? Not the Fade part, but the angry blue bits." Ok so the Fade part bothered her too, but she didn't really think she wanted to know it. Was she trying to work with an abomination here? But, he seemed so normal. Could abominations really be like that?

Seemed Karl decided to answer the question himself. "Its like a gateway to the Fade itself, glowing like a beacon."

Anders responded, and Sangria had to laugh, though she hid her face a moment to do so. Unique circumstances that made your skin glow and made tranquil mages feel their magic again. Ok so the laugh was a little on the hysterical side, but she sobered herself up fast.

She wanted to know more about what Anders had done, but Karl decided they needed Tranquil 101. Even her mental humor couldn't stop the horror she felt at him explaining exactly what her father had warned her of. Loss of colors, emotions, she wished she could tune him out but her imagination had decided she needed to hear this it seemed and refused to spark up on command.

"Please, kill me before it happens again! I don't know how you brought it back but its fading!"

She heard genuine horror and affection in Anders words when he begged Karl not to ask this of him. Seemed she would need to hold off on the advances her head and decided to plan on with him. There was more to this mage than friendship to Anders. She wondered if he'd tell her about it or not. People seemed to tell her their dark secrets all the time. While it had made her valuable to Athenril she didn't really like everyone telling her their woes. She wasn't sure if she particularly wanted to know.

"Perhaps, there is a cure?" She could see the heartbreak on Anders face at the thought of killing his friend, or if Sangria was correct, his lover. Maybe there was something else to be done? She'd hate to walk the world without feeling or color, but if this ever happened to Bethany, could she kill her own sister. She bit her lip hard at that thought. She didn't have to worry about Bethany, all because she hadn't reacted fast enough when that ogre had her and-

"Can you cure a beheading?" Ouch that stung. But it distracted her from memories better left for later at least. She definitely didn't want to have templars drag her into the Gallows. She had a rebellious streak a mile wide to compensate for her inner fears and weaknesses, she wouldn't last a year before…this…happened to her. Tranquil.

"I would rather die a mage then live as a templar puppet." Ok she could definitely feel him on that one. She looked at Anders. She couldn't let this man continue like this. When the tranquility set in again he wouldn't care any longer, but she couldn't let herself see this man walk around knowing she'd resigned him to this fate.

"Do as he asks. I wouldn't want to be tranquil either."

She watched Karl's face, forcing herself to watch what could have happened to Bethany, what could happen to her. His emotions fell away from his face before Anders took away his silent suffering. He hadn't been a mage in the end, but hopefully Karl would feel his magic again as the fade took away his dreaming, breathing, and living.

Anders allowed himself only a moment to look at his friends crumpled bleeding form before turning and heading off, nearly without her. "We should leave before more templars come."

Yes, leaving sounded good to her. She her gaze fall to the mage, and even without believing sent a silent prayer to the Maker to keep the man safe in the afterlife before turning and hurrying after Anders.

Maker the mage could power walk. For a mage Sangria was in far from bad shape, but the man moved like he was being chased by a lion and wanted to get away without drawing too much attention to himself. Maybe that's exactly what he was doing. Running away from what had just happened hoping he wouldn't have to pay attention to it if he just walked it off. That wouldn't be a sufficient solution but its probably what she would do. Seeing Karl crumbled to the floor…it had changed something in her. She didn't really know what yet, but she could feel that something big was coming and the things that happened would affect her. Maker she sounded like that Witch of the Wilds now. Speaking of which, she needed to go fulfil her bargain to the woman. Much as Sangria needed money, she hadn't pawned the medallion off. Partially she felt she was honor-bound to complete the task the witch had given her, partially she feared that a dragon would come after her if she didn't, and she didn't think it would be to train her how to become one.

When they finally reached the clinic Anders looked as if he wanted to keep running, so she did the only thing she could think to do. "Ok, talk Anders, I need to know what just happened back there." Did abominations usually break out into bright glowing blue rashes? She'd never seen one but somehow she doubted it. However she needed to know what this man was. He had powers she could use, and powers she'd like to learn, but if she couldn't trust him then hat wasn't going anywhere.

"I-this is hard to explain. Back in Amaranthine, I met a spirit of Justice…"

For a while, she just listened to him. The story seemed crazy even to her ears. Befriending a spirit that had once been a powerful resident of the Fade. She had never even thought there could be things other than the demons of pride and desire, of rage or simple shades. Maker desire gave her problems. There were so many things she wanted and Desire promised to give them all to her. But she resisted, mostly because she was stubborn and didn't want even the slightest chance of hurting her family If a demon inhabited her and granted her power. Plus, unless she had too, she and blood weren't friends. But good spirits? Maybe they were the bright lights she always saw in the corner of her eyes. But whenever she tried to find them, they were gone. Maker, was she a bad enough person even the spirits that embodied goodness stayed away from her?

But her problems weren't important right now. She wanted to understand this mage and what he had done. Not only had he befriended said spirit though, he had let it into his body, thinking he was doing a good thing. Then she heard what caused the fatigue, the sadness she had noticed in his eyes. She assumed it was because he'd left a life behind and hadn't thought about it past that. But his anger towards the injustice of mages had corrupted a good spirit, turned him to a skewed path of 'Justice' that had turned to Vengence.

Trying to put it in perspective, she started thinking of Aveline. It wasn't at all the same thing but how would she feel if she corrupted Aveline right out of the position she had worked so hard to get. Sangria wasn't exactly known for her morals, though that came with serving smugglers for a year, where as the law just about meant everything to Aveline. It didn't help much but she could sort of imagine the circumstances.

But Anders continued. Maker preserve her, she thought she had problems controlling her magic when her emotions got the best of her, but Anders had to keep his under rigid control. Things that had always bothered him now brought out Vengeance. He hadn't been able to do anything before, but now he could do too much.

Yep, she definitely had a trusting face or something. She hadn't expected his life story, though she supposed she wasn't getting a life story, just a part of his life now. His life story was probably a bit more cheerful. Maker she hoped so.

Before she knew it she was saying something she'd probably regret later. "So, that explains your whole sexy tortured look." God she had no grasp of serious. Ok, she did, but usually it came later. She bit her lip a little, wondering what he'd say to that. Had she just lost his trust?

Nope, apparently she hadn't. Maker she almost blushed. "Perhaps I should look in a looking glass more often." Was that, a hint of a smile? Some flash of hope in his eyes? Seemed her lack of thought might have paid off a bit.

And then the blush came. "I had never thought to find a woman who would look past what I just said." Ah she seemed to be great with first impressions at least. She got her face back under control after a moment and hoped he hadn't noticed. When he continued, she had a mental sigh of relief.

"My maps are yours, as am I should you have need of me."

Yes, two birds with one stone. She had been trying to figure out how to convince him to help her when he said how much he hated the Deep Roads and didn't want to go, but this saved her the lengthy speech she'd been preparing. If her words hadn't worked she'd been planning on boring him to complacency just to shut her up. But this was much better.

Well that was that. She had what she needed. Now, perhaps she could get Anders to teach her how to heal. She had already started out the door before turning back around as if she'd forgotten something and walking back over to him.

However, before she could ask, he apologized. "I ha d a friend like you once. Got me into all kinds of trouble. Didn't think I'd do that again."

She was about to ask who said friend was, but after what she had a feeling had gone on between Karl and Anders she wasn't sure if she actually wanted an answer. And besides, Anders decided to keep talking. Maker, she liked his voice. He had such a nice accent. Her own Fereldan had worn off a bit in her year spent here, but hearing someone from her hometown was refreshing. She did feel a pang of sadness at all that had been left behind. But she dediced she should probably pay attention to what he was saying, lest it was something important.

"I got a bit weighty on you. Sorry."

A sarcastic response was at the tip of her tongue, but he didn't need to know about the effect she seemed to have on people. He could figure it out for himself. Deciding she might as well just be a good friend, she smiled faintly at him. "You can tell me anything." She had a feeling she just might regret that later but she wasn't going to change her story now.

"Anything? Be careful what you offer. I…I just hope I didn't seem to selfish when I talked to you about Justice."

Selfish? How in Kirkwall did he sound selfish? He'd willingly given himself to a spirit just because he was a friend, and while he was living to regret it now, she didn't see how it could be selfish.

Oh Maker, had she really just said, "Well, he can't complain about his looks." What had gotten into her. This man had just killed his lover and she was talking about how good he looked. Sleep deprivation must be doing it to her, that was it. She hadn't been sleeping well since she'd been trying to figure out what she'd do once her contract with Athenril was up. That must be playing with her head. Well, he ended that thought process for her.

"No, don't go there. That isn't going to end well. I don't want to hurt you."

Oh no, now he was just asking for it. Her sense of humor wouldn't allow her to keep from making a quip about that comment. "Hurt me. I Might like it." 'I'm sorry, I know I'm not normally a believer, but with how my life's going, Maker preserve me. I think I need the help, even if it's just imaginary.' She'd been thinking of the Makers name in vain an awful lot. She might have to go to the Chantry and ask for forgiveness. Ya right, as if she'd actually walk willingly into that place. She had a feeling she might burst into flames or explode, or maybe the building would just burn down around her.

She honestly didn't hear a word he said after that. She couldn't believe she'd just said it. However, she noted the tone of voice. Rejection? Ouch. It had been a while since she'd been rejected by anyone she'd flirted with, however unwittingly she had ended up flirting with them.

"A year ago, we might have had something. But I'm not that man anymore. I'll break your heart. And that would kill me sure as any templar."

Well, she didn't know what to say to that. The guy barely knew her and already he was too terrified to try for something back, yet he would hate himself for hurting her. She wasn't all that innocent, she probably deserved a good heartbreak for all the hearts she'd left behind the few times she'd gotten out from under her parents eyes and decided to have some fun.

"Right, well, on that note, I should go tell Varric the good news. I'll probably come visit later once we've gone over the maps and gotten ourselves some odd jobs to make some money. 50 sovereigns. Maker that's a lot of money."

However, it seemed the mage was intent on brooding now, he simply nodded. 'Well this is awkward. Ah well that's what happens when I don't pay attention to the words I'm about to say.'

With that she left Darktown and headed back for Lowtown. It was still a bit early into the night surprisingly. Pub would probably be a little dead. Tonight seemed like a good night to get roaring drunk and set some idiots on fire. Carver would keep her from doing serious damage if she said she needed it, even if he wouldn't agree. "Drunk it is." She muttered before climbing onto the elevator that led to the upper world.

Anders:

"Maker preserve me." He felt his heart ache as his new friend left. She was…something. Much as he denied he had become an abomination, he could feel the anger, seething beneath the surface. The moment the thought of a templar crossed his mind it boiled. For now, for now he held Justice at bay, it seemed his anger hadn't completely corrupted his friend, but who knows what time would do to his control? He wore himself out day in a day out healing people, when would it drain him, when would it leave Justice to take over.

_I wish to save the innocents, the guilty must pay for their crimes. Why do you fear me? I am doing what is right, which is just._

The difference between his own voice in his head and Justice's had gotten fainter and fainter over the past year, and it terrified Anders. But, it also fueled him. No longer would he stand by and watch innocent children, people, anyone showing even the slightest signs of magic be dragged away from their lives to live trapped in a cage. Some places, like Fereldan, it was a gilded cage, but regardless of the décor, it was a cage none-the-less. Why was he no longer a man because his weapon came from another realm rather than from a blacksmith? He was no blood mage, why was he to be feared? Did he deserve the Gallows for helping innocent people day in and day out for no charge?

Hawke. She was a mage too. Anders had to control his emotions lest Justice do something Anders lived to regret, but her, she had a chance to change the world. But Maker, he couldn't afford to be attracted to her right now.

_She is a distraction. She can help us but emotions only blind you to Justice. What is right is important. What is just is all that matters._

On this he agreed with Justice. Not that he didn't agree with most of Justice's points of view, just the degree to which he thought change would come. The mages needed to be freed, the templars ended. He felt it, felt the anger, the need to do something coursing through him, felt the burn in his eyes and saw the light on his skin. Quickly he reined himself in. He feared he might already care for Hawke too much, she reminded him of what he used to be like. A memory of travelling with the Hero of Fereldan passed his mind. Happy memories. Some of the few he had.

Being free had been exhilarating, to the point he'd gotten excited to stop in Amaranthine to examine a tree. A tree of all things. Elissa had laughed. She loved Alistair, but she was a bit of a flirt. In his excitement his old sense of humor had flared up. "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." Her laughter was infectious as she teased him mercilessly. "Pretty girl, right here!" He had fallen for her a little too, but other than jesting between the two of them he never tried anything. She talked about Alistair a lot, he knew she cared about him, he'd never try to get in the way of that.

"Andraste's knicker-weasels, why do I always fall for the worst possible people?"

Then there was Karl. Karl…No he couldn't face what had happened to Karl right now. Tomorrow, tomorrow he'd deal with it. Tonight, he needed to sleep. Fighting templars, Justice, and his own emotions was enough work for one day.

For a moment, just one moment as he lay down, he imagined life as a Tranquil. What would happen to Justice? With Anders cut off from the fade in that way, perhaps Justice could return to his old life in the Fade. Maybe-no. Karl had begged Anders to kill him to never feel the loss of his magic, his life, living. Anders mentally kicked himself for even contemplating it. Mages were not meant to be beheaded. They should be free to live normal lives, be normal people.

For a moment he just smiled 'and shoot lightning bolts at fools' before exhaustion from a day of healing and all that had happened tonight swept him away.

Well, her plans weren't working quite as planned tonight. She had indeed convinced Carver to let her drink, convinced him to keep an eye on her, but once they entered the Hanged Man, there was quite a commotion on the other end of the bar.

There seemed to have been some kind of argument. A man looked angrily at a deeply…tanned? Bronzed? Blackened? She wasn't sure what to call the woman's skin color. It was unique though. As was the fluidity and speed of her movements as she flipped a man away from her. In seconds she had a blade to the one who seemed to be the leader's throat. "Tell me man, is this worth dying for?"

With that, they scattered. Mentally Sangria made a note that this woman was intriguing. And attractive. Maker had she been a virgin so long someone was telling her she needed to lose It already? Now she was finding girls attractive. Though, the woman practically screamed sex. It was in the way she walked back towards the bar, the tight white leather hugging next to perfect curves. She wondered if those men had just been promptly rejected from a pleasant nights ride, or if there was more to the situation. She almost hoped it was the first one. Anders' outright rejection still kind of stung. He had mentioned a year ago maybe there could have been something. He was just scared of Justice. Or Vengeance. She didn't know what to call it. She figured she should just keep going with Justice to keep from getting Anders angry again. Angry wasn't the right word. Somehow she got an image of him all glowy telling someone "you wouldn't like me when im angry." It got her to giggle.

However, seemed her plans were changing. Now she wanted to get to know the woman who had just piqued her interest. She should probably go talk to Varric first, but the woman might have left by then. Though the way she was drinking didn't look like she'd be going anywhere soon. Poor Corff was desperately trying to keep up with how much alcohol she wanted while trying to keep that end of the bar tidy. Or at least as tidy as the Hanged Man ever got.

Well she wouldn't be the one making the introductions apparently. The woman quickly turned away from the bar before Sangria had even fully gotten into a comfortable talking distance. "You're new around her aren't you. Welcome, and keep your wits about you. You're nothing but tits and ass to the men in this place, and they wont hesitate to grab at both."

Didn't she know it. Problem with a flirtatious sense of humor was sometimes it went further than you wanted it to. A couple of shocks that the poor drunken fools hadn't been able to tell had come from her staff and they went off to look for other targets. Not that there were many here. Norah, one of the few waitresses here, and the occasional passerby were the only women who ever came in to this place.

"Speaking from experience I assume?"

Maker the woman had a nice laugh. It was light, but seemed cheerful, carefree. There wasn't much she wouldn't give up to not have to worry about anything anymore. Long as it didn't involve demons knocking on her mind or anything bad happening to her family. That wasn't how she wanted to lose her responsibilities.

"A few broken fingers here and there and they get the message."

And then, awkwardly enough, the woman half-bowed to her. Huh. Now that was a sight one didn't see every day. Though it gave her a nice view down the woman's, Isabella as she'd just introduced herself as, shirt. Again, she asked the Maker for forgiveness and hoped this was just a phase she'd outgrow. She was 20, maybe she was just having her mid-life crisis, and it involved wanting to not be a virgin anymore.

"Previously Captain Isabella, but it rings a bit hollow without a ship. You're from Fereldan aren't you? I was in Denerim not too long ago. Met the Hero, if you know what I mean. And the king." She waggled her eyebrows a little at Sangria, causing her to openly laugh. So that was why the woman wore sex like it was a second skin. She seemed to have quite a bit of experience.

"You know, you might be just what I'm looking for to solve a little problem I have."

"You too? Can't anyone fix their own lives around here?"

That got another lovely laugh from Isabella's pretty little mouth. "Must be something in the water." After a moment of laughing, she sobered up again. "Someone from my past has been pestering me. I've arranged for a duel. If I win he leaves me alone, but I don't trust him to play fair. I need someone to watch my back.

And here was her horribly flirtatious humor again. "I think I could manage watching your back."

That managed a soft laugh from the buxom woman. "I'll bet. I arranged to meet Hayder in Hightown tonight. I'll meet you there."

With that she walked off, either to go flirt with some poor unwitting victim or to the rooms Sangria assumed she had from her easy demeanor in the bar. Or both.

Well, a more successful flirtation with the previous pirate had sunnied her mood a little, and while she still stung a bit from Anders rejection, even if she knew he had good reason and why he did it now that she thought about it, She still wanted to get drunk but she could manage to put it off. Maybe she'd get Varric to buy her a few drinks before she met Isabella for their date with destiny.

Maker, she needed to stop with the jokes. She just knew they'd get her into trouble one day.

(More to come soon, tell me what you think thus far)


	2. Chapter 2

Panic overwhelmed her brain, consuming her mind as she made her way far too slowly back towards Kirkwall. She could hear her companions complaining about the pace they were going, but she wasn't even sure where she was going. Fenris had taken off. She had stared at the body of the blood mage Fenris had killed a moment, and apparently it had been a moment too long. By the time she left the slaver caves, Fenris was gone.

He had snapped at her in his usual manner, but she was used to his harsher ways by now. She still cared for him. A lot. Which made it all the more troublesome to be running around looking.

She'd spent the better half of the day trying to find him, and when he wasn't in his mansion, she'd given up. In her heart she knew he'd come back eventually, he just needed room to breathe like he always did when he learned or found something he wasn't sure what to make of. A sister. And his sister was alive. She had been a little surprised when Fenris had gone against his sworn oath to not kill Hadriana, but she had a feeling that woman had done more than enough to deserve the death anyway, so she'd left it up to him.

Before she could bring herself to enter her home, she lay her head against the door, racking her brain to try and think of where else he could be. But exhaustion played with her memory, and she knew she'd looked most places.

Finally she opened the door, preparing to head to bed quickly and hope she fell asleep, waking up to him being back somehow.

And then her heart soared, her fear faded, as she saw the familiar white-haired lyrium-marked elf sitting in her entryway. She wanted to run to him, yell at him, hug him, and make sure he was ok all at once, so instead she just forced some semblance of calm onto her face and moved towards him, just as he rose up from the bench as well.

"I've been thinking about what happened with Hadriana."

She figured that's what had kept him away for so long. Sorting out his thoughts, trying to breathe. She almost had a feeling he hadn't meant to kill Hadriana either, but she was pretty sure if she was faced with someone who once tormented her, she might kill them too.

"You and I don't always see…eye to eye. But that doesn't mean you deserved my anger. I..owe you an apology."

The mixture of anger and relief and happiness started getting to her head and she stepped closer. "I had no idea where you went! I was concerned." She almost regretted saying it, but she saw his familiar look away when he feels genuinely guilty movement and just waited to see what he said afterwards.

"I…needed to be alone."

She would have said something if he hadn't started drifting away from her. Seemed like there was more to what was on his mind. She remembered complimenting him on his voice. She still felt little butterflies in her stomach when she just listened to him. He was so many things at once.

"When I was still a slave, Hadriana was a constant torment. She would ridicule me, deny my meals, hound my sleep. Because of her status I was powerless to respond and she knew it."

Status? Was she a magister as well then, or just one of Danarius's wannabes? But she was glad she had been right, the bitch deserved what she had gotten.

"The thought of her slipping out of my grasp now…I couldn't let her go. I wanted to but I couldn't."

Good to know she did know him relatively well. But she couldn't resist pissing him off a little. She was good at it, what with supporting the mages he was so set against and what not. What would another comment do?

"Admit it. You just wanted to kill her."

'And here comes the anger.' She thought. He was so cute when he was angry. Maybe that's why she liked disagreeing with him so much.

"And what would you have me do? Hadriana came after me! I never had the option to simply walk away. Am I supposed to forgive, no matter how many times they hunt me down? Am I supposed to forget all the things they've done to me?"

Definitely adorable when he was angry. Maker, she had problems. This seemed a good time to jump in with the old Hawke humor.

"They say amnesia is a friend to the tormented."

"A friend? I don't have any friends." Ouch. That stung. What was she then? She almost looked away but she couldn't bring herself to show how much those words stung her. She realized at that moment she had fallen for Fenris, for how he managed to hold himself together at least decently despite everything he'd seen, for how simple the things he really wanted were. She had thought there had been at least something there from his point too, but apparently not.

"It's a sickness this hate. This dark growth inside of me that I can't ever get rid of, and they put it there!"

For a moment, Hawke was rather surprised he did notice how much he was still chained to his slavery, for all that he didn't have the chains anymore. He still sought revenge, thinking it would lead to his freedom. But she couldn't blame him. All he remembered was a life of pain, of torment, or ridicule and mockery, and Maker knew what else. How could that not scar a person for life.

She brought her mind back to the here and now when she heard him sigh. "This….isn't why I came here." And then….he started to turn away. She had just spent half the day looking for him, had gotten him to talk to her more, had even gotten him to admit to the sickness that ran in his heart that had him hating everything that had once tormented him, that clouded what was actually quite sound judgement skills, was there, and he was going to leave.

Even if with someone like Fenris it was a death sentence, she watched as her arm snaked out to grab his shoulder. "So you're just going to leave?"

Just as she'd thought, Fenris spun around again, grabbing her shoulders as his markings gleamed brightly against his tanned skin, and shoving her back into the wall she hadn't even realized she'd been anywhere near before. She winced a little at the impact, but looked back to Fenris, wondering what he would do now.

Then she saw it, the guilt again. His arms loosened and he stepped back, unable to face her any longer as his markings faded away. Unable to control herself she threw herself at him, grabbing his waist and pressing her lips to his, trying to make him see with action what she couldn't find the words to tell him. With strength she hadn't even known she had, she spun him around, backing him into the wall he had just had her pinned too moments ago and kissing him, pressing herself desperately against him as her arms tried to help her catch the balance she'd lost in spinning too much.

To her intense surprise, she felt his arms lock around her waist in return and found her mouth leaving his to kiss down his neck softly. She rocked her hips against him once, wanting to get a reaction from him, and heard the soft growl that followed the feeling of something hardening against her. It was a moment before she got herself back under control, still too aware he might shun her at the last moment and be gone before she could stop him.

Ice blue eyes lifted to his face, pleading. "Please Fenris, don't go. Stay here with me…at least for one night?"

She saw the indecision in his eyes, the fear, and it was a moment before she got the subtle nod that said he wouldn't leave. One night. She could make it count, prove to him he had friends, that he had her, and that regardless of her views differing from his she was there for him, whatever thoughts and memories plagued him, whatever sickness had tainted him.

She pressed herself up against him again, kissing him fiercely. It took a moment, but soon she felt his lips returning the kiss, though it was rather tentative, like he wasn't sure what he was doing. That didn't matter to her brain, all that mattered was that this was Fenris, the warrior who had somehow snuck his way into her heart even though they didn't agree.

She kept their lips locked for a little longer before feeling her own heated reaction to their kissing, to his promise to stay with her. She didn't want to wait any longer, and stepped back, her hand resting on his upper arm, sliding down until she wrapped her long slender fingers around his hand. She felt him tense, but he put up no resistance when she tugged him lightly away from the wall, and followed her when she back-stepped her way towards the stairs.

Still afraid she might lose him if she took too long, she pulled him closer when they reached them, kissing him again and noticing there was much less of a pause before he returned her kiss, that there was a flicker of returned passion just as heated as hers, even if she felt him against her hip as proof enough he wanted her just as badly.

She tightened her hold on his hand again, pulling him into her bedroom. When she got him through the doorway she released his fingers, her hands skimming along the neck line before she undid the short robe she always wore instead of her armor in the house, pulling just enough of the fabric away from her breasts to entice him, and she watched with satisfaction as his beautiful green eyes followed her fingers, hunger slowly overtaking his fears.

She grabbed his hand again and started pulling him towards the bed, until she felt it against the backs of her knees and let herself fall back, watching him to see what he would do.

"I have no memories of what one does now." His voice was a little deeper to match the growing hunger in his eyes. But she noticed he was still rigid, holding himself back, as if giving her a last chance to reject him.

She smiled at him, softly despite her rising need to get his clothes off. "I've already told you before I don't mind. I…I like you just the way you are. Besides, Isabella talks enough for a child to know how to do it. I believe Mother Nature will steer her course." She wasn't going to admit that she had let Isabella take her virginity, having wanted to know what she was doing should she ever be lucky enough to end up in this situation. She knew her way well enough now that she was quite confident she could make up for whatever flaws sheer need left to the act.

She saw that break down whatever barrier he'd been hiding behind, watched him follow her to the bed, felt his legs against hers as he settled himself over her on the bed, felt him pressing himself against her even through his armor and clothes. "I have been thinking of you. In fact, I have been able to think of little else. Command me to go, and I shall."

Wasn't it a little late for this? The man was maddening. But she was rather taken aback by the fact he apparently had been thinking of her just as much. He had just said he had no friends. Perhaps that was just another fit of anger, of words he hadn't quite meant to say. Instead she locked her arms around his neck, pulling him closer, pausing just before their lips met again. "Shut up."

That did it. He pressed his lips to hers almost harshly, years of pent up feelings coming out in his usual angry way, even though anger wasn't behind it. He was just forceful. Her body wasn't complaining though, and she was almost surprised she already heard herself moan, and almost whimper sort of moan.

Fenris pulled back, looking confused for a moment. "Did I hurt you?"

Sangria glared at him before throwing her hip to roll them over so that she could be on top as her hands slid about his breastplate looking for the way to loosen it. It took a moment but she found it, being a bit forceful herself as she pulled his body up so that she could slide the breastplate off and toss it aside, already settling her knees on either side of him and holding him close to her body as it skidded a little across the floor. "Don't worry my little wolf, that would be a positive sound." Ok she really shouldn't be jibing at him at a time like this but she loved that spark whenever he got mad at her for something. And it seemed she had made a good choice. He quickly had her pinned completely beneath him, grinding himself against her almost painfully as he glared down at her, and she felt his lyrium light up a little, a sensation she could always recognize because the pure lyrium fed her powers as soon as he activated it.

"Do not call me that." He snarled through gritted teeth. She had to fight him a little but she managed to free her upper body just enough to kiss him, and when he pulled back again she smiled. "I mean it as a term of endearment Fenris. I would never claim mastery over you in any sense of the word. I'm sorry it has such bad memories for you, but it is the meaning of your name as you know it and I like it."

She saw the anger fade quickly as he looked away, pulling back even though his teeth were still gritted a little. She took the opportunity to free her arms, sliding her hands beneath his shirt, stroking the skin, her fingers carefully tracing he fading lines of lyrium she could feel for a moment before she pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it somewhere near his breastplate.

His eyes darted back to her as she pulled more of her robe down, uncovering both of her breasts and watching his eyes study them a moment, before he bent his head down and took a nipple into his mouth. He bit down a little and she shivered, yelping slightly in surprise. He didn't stop but his eyes shifted to her face and she shook her head. "N..no its f..fine, just not quite that hard, but you just surprised me." Her breathing was starting to get heavy already as his mouth seemed to know just what to do memories of an act like this or not. He rolled his teeth lightly over it before sucking on it, hard, and her fingers dug into his hair, pulling his head closer to her body.

She felt him stiffen and try to fight it and realized in her passion she might have done something that was more negative memories for him, so she forced her fingers to let go of his hair, settling them over his shoulders and digging her fingers in, as she arched her back against him, pressing her head into the bed behind her.

He seemed content to play with just the one nipple, teasing it until it was so erect it tingled. "Th..The other one too pl…please."

Her words were a bit messy, he had already started chasing her sanity away with the few simple movements. He stiffened a little again when her ragged breathing put a pause she hadn't meant before the please, but soon as he heard it she felt him relax again, doing as she asked quickly and efficiently. She gasped as he did exactly as he had with her other nipple, a shiver rolling down her entire body. He teased that one erect to, but when he pulled his head away she pushed her hip hard against him, and while he fought back this time, she had caught him off guard and was again on top of him.

"Hey now you don't get to have all the fun!" Her voice was light at first but as she leaned down to kiss him, she whispered against his lips, "I intend to make this night count." His lips moved as if he were about to say something but instead she pressed her lips to his, her tongue forging a path into his mouth, and she felt him hardening more beneath her, rubbing herself against him through the only remaining article of clothing he had. It was his turn to grab her shoulders and pull her closer, kissing her deeper and harder as his tongue adapted to the new action it was to do with ease.

She broke the kiss another moment later, bringing her lips to the top of his neck again and biting lightly, teeth scraping a moment before her soft wet tongue flicked over the mark and soothed it. She felt his body shiver beneath her and smiled a little against his skin as she nipped a little trail down his neck. When she made it to his chest she rolled her tongue around his nipple. Isabella had told her men weren't nearly as sensitive there as women but it usually wasn't an unpleasant sensation either, and she wanted to love him ever way she could. She flicked her tongue out to his other nipple before kissing a slow hard trail down his stomach, feeling his slender build but defined muscles against her lips and purring a little in her throat.

Fenris's body seemed to know more than he did about what exactly was happening, and he was almost painfully hard. He had thought of Sangria many times in the last few years, but never to the point his body felt like it was going to explode. The sensations he was feeling were familiar yet not familiar. Like from something he couldn't quite remember. Damn it why couldn't he remember anything? He tried to think, wanting to know what he was doing, but in a moment Sangria's lips were as far down his stomach as they could go, and he felt her tongue glide along the waistband of his pants. But that wasn't what really made him stop trying to claim memories. Her hand was now rubbing his erection through his pants, and he ground his teeth together, closing his eyes tightly as she stroked him.

He thought that much would drive him mad and was about to flip her over again before she pulled back and quickly removed his pants. He watched and felt as the air hit his already hardened member, and seeing it revealed with her face so close had him growling low in his throat. He wasn't exactly she what he wanted but he knew he wanted it, and reached his hands down, pulling Sangria's head towards his erection. She looked a little surprised before he heard her chuckle softly, even if the temporary humor was broken by her heavy breath.

For a moment he just felt her tongue sliding lightly up and down him, and he pulled her head a little closer. He looked down, forcing his eyes opened and saw the amusement in her eyes. She was enjoying this. Far too much. With one more pull towards it and an almost vicious snarl, he lost his grip on reality when she finally did what he had apparently been wanting her to do. He felt his body shudder hard as she took him in her mouth. He pulled her down a little more and heard her choke a moment before she seemed to get it under control. He could feel his fingers digging into her hair and probably pulling but he couldn't seem to stop himself. He pulled her closer every time she pulled her head away until his hips started moving of their own accord and he no longer had to pull her head down. She settled into a rhythm that maddened him, slow at first until he thought he'd lose his damned mind even more then picking up the pace until sanity completely fled.

He felt the tensions building up in his body, still familiar and unfamiliar all at once, and didn't think he could take it anymore. His fingers had relaxed in her hair when his hips started moving but he tightened them again, pulling her farther up wanting to kiss her again while his mind tried to wrap around what he was feeling.

She smiled devilishly, sucking a bit harder as she slid her mouth up torturously slow before letting him fall out of her mouth and allowing herself to be pulled up by his hands. Her lips met his just as greedily as he had wanted and he brought his legs up between hers, sitting himself up so that he could kiss her and grind himself against her. The robe she wore was barely covering her anymore, and he broke the kiss only to make quick work of it before kissing her greedily back.

He felt the tension that had been building in his body get worse when he started pressing himself against her. She laughed a little as she broke the kiss, her hands pushing his hips into the bed before she rubbed herself against his shaft. He could feel something wet against the tip of it, and looked down to watch her slide her own sexual organ over his. His hands sank into and held onto the sheets beneath them as he felt his head roll back to the feeling of that tight wet center slowly, torturously engulfing him, every inch of him. He heard the growl in his throat, rumbling low until it turned into a groan. He ground his teeth together again, only stopping to lift his head when he felt her not moving. He looked down and saw a mix of things on her face.

She looked just as overwhelmed by the feeling as he was, but she also looked a little afraid. He couldn't even think of it stopping but something told him he should move slowly, so he did, forcing himself to slide in and out of her torturously slow. It was driving him nuts but he watched her face and saw the pain and fear fading away as quickly as it had come before she started using her own legs to match his pace, keeping it slow for a bit before moving faster.

As he felt her pick up the pace, he froze, tensing up. Faces flashed across his mind, names being called out by voices that were all at once so familiar. This was his life before the markings. He was…remembering! His rhythm faltered but Sangria seemed to just want him more for it, moving quicker while he gritted his teeth at the feeling of her tightening even more around him, while he felt that about to explode sensation getting worse and worse, starting from his balls before focusing on the shaft that was moving in and out of Hawke. Or was it Hawke…He had done this before, with someone else.

Faces he recognized so much called out an unfamiliar name to him, but he could remember turning at the sound and running to it. Running to…a little red haired elf girl holding a tall elven woman's skirts as she looked up at what seemed to be Fenris's face in this memory.

As the sensations got stronger, the memories got clearer. He could remember everything, every little detail. Then, the explosion he'd been tensed and ready for wiped his mind of all those precious memories, slowly fading them back out into unrecognizable thoughts.

He heard a high-pitched moan and a deep rumbling groan, and it was a moment before he realized it had been he and Sangria. It seemed she had felt the same explosion when he did. She fell onto his chest, panting and sweating, trying to catch her breath.

The memories were gone. He couldn't remember anything anymore. There were a couple voices he didn't recognize anymore, but that was it.

Sangria had certainly enjoyed herself with Isabella, but this, this had been amazing. And for a guy who said he couldn't remember anything he certainly had seemed to know exactly what he was doing. She couldn't remember ever feeling so satisfied, so happy, so…in love. She couldn't deny it any more. She was definitely in love. She smiled up at Fenris but his orgasm must have taken more out of him then she realized, he barely kissed her back. Isabella had said the male orgasm was much more exhausting since they had one and they were done but she hadn't expected it to be quite this bad.

Instead of lingering on it though she rolled off of Fenris, letting her blood flow normally a moment before she looked up at her pillows and sighed, picking herself up just enough to crawl over before falling down onto them. She patted the spot next to her and smiled at Fenris again. "Come here. Let's lay down for a little while."

He seemed to have something on his mind, his eyes had that faraway look, and it was a moment before he nodded and moved himself next to her, though he kept more space than she had wanted between them. Maybe the markings were hurting him again after that and he wanted his space. Oh Maker his markings. She hadn't even thought of the fact contact hurt him, and she'd put him through that. No wonder he seemed distracted.

She rolled over onto her side so she could at least look at Fenris, but exhaustion worked its way through her body quickly and she was asleep, though she had gotten up the courage to at least reach for Fenris's hand before passing out.

He was tired, but his mind was restless as he desperately tried to recapture his memories. It had all been there, right before his eyes. He had known everything, everyone, known the life he had before the pain of the markings erased it all. He had been able to smell whatever it had been that was the smell of home. It was just…gone.

He couldn't do this again. He found himself caring greatly for Sangria, more than he'd ever though he could a mage, but she would never understand what It felt like to remember everything only to have it be gone again.

She was obviously tired so he quietly slid his hand out of hers and off the bed, grabbing his scattered clothing and dressing again. He was going to just leave, let her think he hated her, but he found he couldn't think of doing that to her. Instead, he walked over to the fireplace that was lit in her room, leaning against it while trying to sort out his thoughts.

He didn't know how long he stood there before he heard her intake of breath and the sound of the sheets giving way to the body beneath them moving.

Sangria didn't know how long she had been asleep but something awakened her, something wasn't right. Worried it might be Fenris, she turned her head soon a she got up..but he was gone. In a panic she sat up and looked around before seeing him standing against the fireplace.

In typical sarcastic and silly Hawke fashion she looked at him a moment before asking, "Was it really that bad?" She had no idea how much his brands would be hurting even after however long it had been since their love making, maybe it had been too much?

"I'm sorry its not….it was fine."

Fine? Ouch. That stung her more than she'd like to admit. She looked away before he could see the obvious hurt in her eyes, and heard his armor as he moved.

"No, that is insufficient. It was better than anything I could have dreamed."

Even as her heart fluttered at the words, she felt a but coming somewhere. "You're markings. They hurt don't they?"

He looked so sad as he turned and moved even further away from the bed. "It's not that. For a moment, I began to remember, my life before. Just flashes. Its too much, this is too fast. I cannot do this."

The flutter she'd felt vanished, replaced by a sick feeling in her stomach. She was really going to just be a one-night stand? He was really going to do this to her? She just realized she loved him and he had the nerve to go and do this to her?

"We can work through this!" She cursed herself for the weakness, the pleading that was in her voice. She hated sounding like that, but she couldn't help it.

He looked genuinely hurt even as he said, "I'm sorry. I…feel like such a fool. All I wanted was to be happy…just for a little while." He hung his head, her warrior actually hung his head as he turned and walked out her door. She felt the tears welling up in her eyes just as she heard him call back "Forgive me."

For a while it was all she could do to just listen to his footsteps as he practically ran down the stairs. She was frozen, staring at the doorway she'd just watched him go out through. Then she felt the tears slip down her face. She ran to shut the door before they came, her vision blurred as she slammed it shut then turned and slammed her back against it, sliding down the door to hug her knees.

She had seen the genuine pain when he left, so why did he do it? Why would he do this to her? She wanted to go out and punch something, kill some darkspawn, take on an army of ogres, challenge Isabella to a drinking game. Anything to keep this pain she felt from consuming her.

She needed to go somewhere. Fast. She waited until the sobs faded away before standing and pulling the door open. She took a few deep breaths to center herself incase Mother was around so she wouldn't see that she had been crying, then was out the door before she could even figure out where she was going. As she started moving though, she realized there was only one place in the direction she was headed. Anders.


	3. Chapter 3

She hated this place, yet she seemed to end up here a lot. Then again when you were a fragile mage who fought as much as she did, seeing a healer was the smart thing to do. Covertly of course. She had too much of a name for herself even now, she could bring people on Anders in a moment.

She'd barely remembered to keep an eye out as she moved, the fact it was instinct the only thing keeping her swollen eyes alert. She shivered for reasons that had nothing to do with the cold. Why would Fenris do this to her? Was it that bad to get his memories back? If he got them back once they could probably work on getting more of them out, maybe start writing them down even if that would be a frustrating break. She'd have done anything to keep him from walking out that door. She clutched her robe tighter to her body, trying to control her shivering as tears threatened to fall again.

No, she would not cry over it anymore. She was better than this. If this was what he wanted then fine, she'd leave him be. Isabella would be more than happy to help her drown her pain away. Varric would come up with stories so crazy she could pretend it hadn't happened for a while. Merrill could have rambled and bumbled about the holes in the roof and her Dread Wolf like she loved to so much until Sangria was laughing too much to cry. Aveline may have threatened to go beat Fenris over the head. That would be an amusing sight, the sword and shield warrior fighting against the phasing two handed sword warrior. So why had she decided to go to Anders? Much as she wished for it, as a mage herself, she knew no healing magic could heal a broken heart.

He was the least likely to give her a reason to forget it. He was sympathetic, and while she saw flashes of humor that must have been what he was once like, they were just that, flashes. Merging with Justice had ruined the man he must have once been, a man she wished she had known. So why him? Why did she want to go to him?

Much as she kept her mind going, it was a relief to just be out of the house. If she wasn't in that room, alone, feeling the warmth of the place Fenris had been laying…"No no, stop, you can't keep crying! You're makeup you work so hard for will be ruined."

God that joke fell flat even on her ears. Normally she laughed at everything but she felt too empty right now to even laugh at the forced humor. A few of the refugees of Darktown watched her as she ducked her head down and hurried a bit more towards Anders clinic.

What if he had a lot of patients? Then again, right now she'd probably settle for just watching something good happening before her eyes. Maybe she could practice her healing magic and help him out a little. Anything to keep her busy, to prevent herself from thinking.

What if he didn't have any patients? How would she explain the swollen eyes or the tear stains she could feel streaked down her face? And she knew he'd notice in an instant she wasn't cracking as many jokes as usual.

"Here's hoping he has a lot of patients…for once." Normally she worried about him overexerting himself…in part because she was worried what would happen if all his own mana was gone and he only had Justice's energy to hold him up? Would he be unable to control the spirit? No, the last thing she needed was to think more negative thoughts. And besides, she believed in Anders. She saw the struggles but he'd struggled through so much in life, and he said Justice and he were one. She was just a worry wart. Another thing she hid with humor.

She had kept herself distracted until now but when she reached the lantern that marked Anders clinic as special, she stopped before the doors. She clenched her fists, forcing herself to take long, slow, deep breaths. When she felt like she had herself under control again she pushed the door open.

Not as many patients as she had been hoping for, but she watched for a moment as Anders hands waved over a boy who looked vaguely familiar to her, the beautiful blue light that was Anders magic gleaming along the young boy's body. That's why he was familiar. Though older, it was definitely the same boy Anders had been healing when she had first met him. The boy's mother stood worriedly over him, her hands clasping the man beside hers arms so tightly her knuckles were white and the man looked like he was trying desperately to not cry out.

She stayed near the door, just watching him. And then the boys eyes opened up and he smiled and lept up off the table that had been padded lightly to form a makeshift bed Anders had set up just for his patients, throwing his arms around Anders neck. She actually laughed a little at the surprised look on her friend's face as he paused before smiling and hugging the boy back.

Standing this far away, she couldn't hear what was said, but with a few more words and the mother shaking Anders's hand vigorously, the little family took their leave. They nodded to her, recognizing her as someone who had walked into this clinic a few times and bowed their heads, whispering subtle pleasantries in passing before they were out the door. She smiled hesitantly back at them before turning to watch as Anders stumbled a little. Without even really thinking, she ran over to him, resting her hands on his shoulders.

He was surprised, sliding away from her and pulling up his staff, a flicker of blue lightning in his eyes. Then he registered it was her and looked at her oddly before letting himself lean against the wall a moment.

"Please don't tell me you're here for another potion for Isabella. That woman needs to stop with her...habits. I can't keep healing her."

Sangria laughed softly a moment. Yes, Isabella came here often. More often than she probably wanted to know. She had bedded the woman, in her attempt to understand the acts she wished to engage in better. She luckily hadn't contracted anything but it was a narrow thing with Isabella's rampant desires.

"No, sorry, just here to see you, though if you want some work I'm sure I could go out and bludgeon a few heads in and bring them over."

She saw one of those rare and beautiful smiles flit across Anders face for a moment, but when his eyes shifted away to the patients still awaiting his attentions, his smile faded. She followed his gaze then frowned in thought before patting herself down. She had lyrium potions somewhere on her. Anders wasn't really looking at her, just pushed himself off the wall and took a deep breath before waving the next patient, a young woman over. She looked to be a few months pregnant, a small lump visible beneath her much overused dress. Sangria made a mental note to leave a large donation with Lirene at her shop again. She hated looking around and seeing these people suffering so much, hated knowing Anders had to work so hard for all of them just to keep them alive in most cases. Though the warm thick blanket that Anders had started laying along the table turned bed showed her her donations were already going to a good cause.

On the bright side, it seemed Anders was too distracted to notice her puffy, probably reddened eyes. On the bad side, he looked about ready to fall over as it was. Blast it all to the Void, she couldn't find her lyrium po-oh there it was. Of course , in her back pocket where she never kept it.

She tapped Anders shoulder as the young woman lay down on the bed. He gave her a cursory look before looking back to her, then looked back to Sangria when he noticed what she was holding up. He nodded and took it, drinking it quickly, giving it a second to set in, before focusing on the young woman again.

"Let me help Anders. I've got nothing better to do, and the few jobs I've got for the moment can be put off. I know my healing hasn't progressed that far yet, but you know I can do at least something."

He looked like he wasn't too fond of the idea, but when he looked back at the other patients he had, it seemed even he was aware of his limits. At his nod, she stepped over to his side and smiled at the young woman. "Don't worry serah, you're in good hands." The woman had looked nervous, but seeing someone else vouche for Anders, and a female around her age at that, she nodded and looked a little more confident. Her hand that had been resting protectively over her barely protruding stomach slid back as she closed her eyes and lay back her head.

A few hours and many patients later, Sangria was as exhausted as a little kitten and fell back on the bed as the last of the days patients left. She was sweating from using so much mana, but while Anders held himself up better, he looked much worse off than she was. She patted the table beside her and watched as Anders oofed a little as he sat down, taking slow deep breaths to try and help his mana regenerate.

She smiled faintly as she watched him stare at the door the patients had just closed behind them. He amazed her. He was so strong, so good. In moments like this, she couldn't believe he was angry enough at anything to corrupt a good spirit. He just wanted to help those who could no longer help themselves. But she wasn't naïve to his nature. She had seen the lightning in his eyes, watched his fireballs incinerate their enemies. And she saw him struggling every day whenever he saw templars at all. She had a feeling Justice was getting harder to control.

She felt weird calling him Justice. She only knew him as a spirit of vengeance who took lives without a second thought because he felt it was right. To think of his morals not being skewed was difficult. But there had to be some reason Anders had willingly put himself in this situation.

Of course, now that her mind wasn't occupied or busied, even though she was exhausted, she saw lyrium gleaming in her mind and heard the footsteps…the whispered "forgive me."

She felt the tears burning at her eyes and stood up quickly, nearly running to the other side of the clinic. She felt a few tears trickle down her face but she dug her nails into her palm until she felt nothing but physical pain, forcing herself to take a few deep breaths.

Anders said nothing but when she could feel his eyes on her, and when she turned around he looked worried. But he also looked unsure.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

She almost laughed. That had been her last words to Fenris before he stormed off, leaving her to chase him down for half the day…leading to him being in her entryway…leading too…'Maker help me.'

For was indecisive for a moment. Should she tell him and ruin her chance at just forgetting about it for a while? Maybe she should just make a joke and tell him they should go to the Hanged Man. Drinking would help, least for a while. She was still thinking when the next thing she knew she was crying again and arms were around her. Warm arms, gently holding her. Anders's arms.

"I…we…"

She struggled to find the words. It was no secret that Anders and Fenris didn't get along. Would he still hold her if she said she was crying because he'd left her? Did she actually want to be held? When she felt her arms lock around Anders back and her face wetting his robes, she took that as her answer. Maybe this was why she'd run to Anders, because she didn't actually want to forget. She wanted to be ok feeling weak around someone. Of all of them, Anders would understand what it was to feel weak, helpless. Even hurt, part of her still worried about Fenris. It had obviously pained him to have all his memories only for them to slip away again. It had obviously pained him to leave her. How was he, holed up in that mansion? What was he doing? What would it be like to fight with him again? Would she even be able to look at him the same? Or he look at her? What was going through his head?

Instead of speaking she just shook her head, locking her arms tighter around Anders, and felt him just rest his head on top of hers and hold her. For a while she just stood there like that, letting Anders whisper meaningless words over her head regarding a situation he knew nothing about, stood there until her tears faded into sobs, her sobs faded into ragged breathing. When she felt like she'd cried herself out she shifted in his arms a little, signaling for him to let her go, and stepped back, swiping angrily at the tears left on her face.

When she groaned in frustration at the fact they wouldn't completely stop he chuckled a little before his thumb brushed off one of the remaining tears. Her eyes lifted, surprisingly to meet his. There was a tenderness in his eyes she hadn't fully expected. He'd pushed her away so many times, she had thought there was nothing between them. For a moment, she just stared at him as her heart started racing for a new reason.

The distance between their faces shifted minutely, as if neither of them were aware of what was happening, before Sangria squeaked and literally jumped back, tripping over some of the refuse laying around the clinic and falling on her butt. She was surprised a moment before she burst out laughing. Anders looked confused for a moment before he too started laughing, though both of them were laughing more nervously than from being amused by her fall.

"Well, you're work for the days done, right? Let's go get drunk! You haven't had a drunken night with Isabella, Varric, and I, in a long time! It'll be fun! Come on!"

She didn't give him a chance to argue or try and say anything about what had just almost happened between them, leaping to her feet and wrapping her arms around his before literally dragging him towards the doors to his clinic. Her voice was bubbly, and her laugh, though a bit forced, was excited enough he found he was stumbling along beside her instead of trying to fight her, before tugging his arm against her lightly.

"Excuse me, but I can walk myself Hawke! I don't fall over like you. Well…least not all the time."

That brought a real smile to her face as she stuck her tongue out at him. Anders had no idea what had hurt her so much to bring her to him, or to make her cry like that. In all the time he'd known her, he'd never seen her cry, even when she told him about what happened to her sister Bethany before her arrival in Kirkwall. She'd gotten a distant look in her eyes and stared off at the wall, but no tears, just pain in her eyes. Something bad must have happened, and he found himself having to fight back Justice at the anger that soared through his system at someone being able to break Sangria Hawke down to this level.

Blue lit up along his arm for a minute, and Hawke stopped dragging him finally, looking up at him, staring intently at his face. He must have passed the test because she just shook her head firmly and started pulling him again.

"All the more reason to get you drunk! You definitely need to relax more."

Maker preserve him, he loved her. She knew what he was, had just watched him lose control a moment, and she didn't care. She wasn't afraid, didn't treat him differently. She'd never called him an abomination, regardless of how much he felt like one now and then. She treated him like any other person. And for that he would always be grateful. He just had to watch himself around her more. He had nearly kissed her. He couldn't afford to be in love now, not with Justice driving him, not with his plans to save the mages, not with the work he did sneaking mages out of the Circle. He couldn't pull her into this. He wouldn't.

But Maker preserve him, he loved her, and he wanted to make her happy.


	4. Chapter 4

Months had gone by, but slowly Sangria was feeling more like herself. She was going to bed exhausted from helping Anders in the clinic, spending more time at the Hanged Man hanging out, going for jogs with Bear. Mostly though, Anders was to thank for her recovery. Her heart still felt hallow, and she avoided the other end of Hightown as much as she possibly could, but she could almost smile at Fenris again when she asked him to help her out with missions, and he looked like he was almost trying to smile back.

Whenever she thought too much, she'd ask Anders about his life before, or help him write the manifestos he was working on, in the hope someday someone would read them and understand why mages needed to be free, why they didn't deserve to be locked up for their Maker given gifts. She'd fallen asleep sitting next to Anders's desk more occasions than she could count when he wrote things down into the small hours of the night.

Tonight, she was helping Anders finish up with his patients for the day so they could go to the Hanged Man and lose at poker to Isabella. She was sure she'd catch Isabella at her own game this time, at least figure out her trick. Anders was awful at poker but Isabella had even admitted Hawke had gotten closer than most. Even Varric, a fellow rogue and trickster, seemed like he wasn't exactly sure what she did, though he had actually beaten her a couple times. Was more than the rest of them could say. But she'd catch her tonight.

She fell on her butt when the last of the patients thanked them and left. She still couldn't get used to the complete drain on her mana when it came to helping Anders heal, and she couldn't even do as much as Anders could. How he managed it day in and day out amazed her. That and he managed to help the underground mages, staging escapes and escape routes, leading people away from their fancy little prison in the Gallows. His focus and ability never failed to amaze her, though she wished she could help him with his mage underground as much as she could with healing. But he kept her away from that part in his life, saying only little bits here and there when he had a particularly fruitful night of helping them. She was so tempted to just follow him one night, but she wasn't that great at stealth and she didn't want to impede his progress even if it killed her to not be a part of it.

She took slow, deep breaths for a moment before her arms stretched over her head and she cracked her back, feeling a bit rejuvenated. Hopefully no one would get in the way tonight and she didn't have to worry about casting any more spells though.

"You about done for the night? You promised you'd come with me again tonight! I love watching you lose to Isabella and Varric all the time!"

"She's cheating, he's cheating, everyone cheats. How am I supposed to win when I don't even know what they're doing? It has nothing to do with my skills at Poker. I'll have you know I used to play with the Hero of Ferelden and I even won a few times!"

He looked so legitimately flustered every time she pointed out how bad at poker he was that she couldn't help but laugh, even as she leaned back, rocking on her butt then propelling herself forward to leap back onto her feet.

"I don't cheat and you still can't beat me. As for the Hero, she probably just let you believe you had won. She was a rogue too wasn't she? I'm sorry but they're kind are just so sneaky, and you stink, I can't imagine you actually won." She giggled and stuck her tongue out at him as he cleaned up the clinic, as well as some of the sweat on his brow from healing so many. He gave her his best pout and she just laughed harder.

"Come on you, if Isabella's already drunk by the time I get there I won't forgive you! Watching her take out the men there is just too much fun."

Anders chuckled lightly himself before walking to her side and extending his arm like a gentleman. She giggled and locked her arms around his lightly, purring a little and rubbing into his arm. "Shall we, my lady?"

"Yes we shall good sir."

They were both laughing when they exited the clinic and entered the world of those not so lucky as she. Her heart broke a little every time she saw all the refugees she couldn't do anything for, even if she was disgusted to watch how many crimes they turned to too make ends meet. Rather than ask her for help, they all just looked down on her for gaining influence even though she was Ferelden just like most of them.

However, she wasn't going to let their misfortune bring down her mood tonight. She was with the man she found herself coming to love, even with the constant ache in her heart from the last time she'd let herself fall. And she was going to hang out with some awesome friends, though she wished the alcohol they'd all be drinking was better. However, in the years she'd been here, she acquired a much less severe distaste for it. It got the job done, that was what mattered usually.

They whispered betwixt themselves all the way to the Hanged Man, though their eyes darted about to make sure no templars were around. Sangria herself hadn't had any problems with them yet, especially since Carver had become one of them upon her return from the Deep Roads. Seemed he really did know the value of family. She was still bitter about his choice, but from the few times Mother had gotten in to see him he seemed like he was doing well, and she couldn't begrudge him for finding his place. She was still trying to find hers. But Anders, or rather Justice, was never a happy person when they were around. Sangria acted like nothing was wrong, but she was worried about how much Anders's control seemed to be slipping lately. However, she didn't say anything about it, or tried not to.

Thankfully her mood survived, seemed like tonight the templars were all staying in the Gallows or just busy elsewhere. The last thing she needed was to have to explain more deaths to the Viscount. He already had his hands full with the growing tensions from Meredith cracking down more and more, causing more problems, and the Qunari and their lovely fan group of people trying to kill them and anyone having to do with them. Thus far the Arishok had been on his best behavior in her lovely little chats with him, but she knew there had to be more to why they were here. It didn't take three years for a ship to finally come, even from Seheron.

Before she knew it they were entering Lowtown and making good time towards the Hanged Man, but her luck didn't hold out. This late at night, gangs were out and about. And apparently one had decided she would make a lovely target. She almost loved how fragile she looked half the time, all the more fun to surprise people when they found out she was far from it.

Anders was quick to react, sliding backwards and holding his staff out, quickly creating a Fireball spell and firing it at the approaching morons. It exploded between four of them, sending them all flying in different directions, though it didn't seem to do much serious damage to them. Her turn it seemed. She closed her eyes, spinning her staff around herself, firing Winter's Grasp with each spin and freezing enemies around them before chanting something softly to herself, calling Chain Lightning down to shatter the frozen bodies and attack the other members of the gang rushing to their fellows rescues.

Somehow some of them had made their way around her and Anders, who were now back to back as he faced the ones who'd thought to sneak up behind them. She quickly summoned her Rock Armor before firing a Stonefist at the ones in front of her, finishing off those guys before whirling around to watch Anders Petrify a few of the oncoming men, smirking a little as they froze in place, their limbs suddenly unable to move as the paralysis sank into their bodies. With them frozen, she smirked and walked towards them slowly, resting her staff back on her back as fireballs formed in either hand.

"You morons should be careful who you decide to attack, some of us fragile looking people can handle ourselves better than you could ever hope too."

She pressed her hands together and saw the bewilderment in their eyes before the two fireballs merged, feeding each other's flames, and she pulled her hands apart more, making them into one large fireball spell, before firing it at them. Her fireball spell was more effective, though probably because it had been more planned, and she smiled in satisfaction as the men burst into flames, their clothing eaten away quickly before all that remained was charred bodies collapsing to the ground.

"Well, that was a fun interlude. I always love a good fight." She smirked, bouncing on her feet while rolling her shoulders, before putting her hands on her hips and cracking her neck in both directions. Anders chuckled behind her, and once her after-victory dance was over, they made their way back towards the Hanged Man.

As she pushed open the door she seemed to make it just in time to watch Isabella's lithe leg kick a man who'd probably tried to touch her or something right through a table. She cracked her knuckles and laughed cheerfully at the large hulking figures of what she assumed were his buddies angrily started at her. Before they could think she'd dropped to the ground, sweeping her legs in a full circle and knocking them all over in one fell swoop. She stood again and pressed her boot to one of the three men's throats.

"Try again some time! I'm always looking to drop egos down a few knotches. I've really never liked the whole poetry foreplay thing. Remember that before you try to lay a hand on me again." Ah so that's who the man rising shakily from the ruins of the wooden table was, she thought he'd looked familiar. He was the one who called Isabella a heartworm. She was surprised he had such big friends, she figured him more for the lets all be pansies together type.

Sangria smirked devilishly and applauded. Isabella hadn't seen her come in, but soon as her dark eyes shifted to the door Sangria had walked in she smirked back, placing one hand on her back and the other on her stomach and bowing, "Why thank you Hawke! I do so love my fans."

"I'm just sad I missed it, you know how much I love throwing the stupid ones around with you! Alas, the gangs here just loved me too much, I had to tell them they weren't my type before getting here. And you know how Anders takes forever."

She heard Anders snicker behind her as Isabella's foot pulled back from the large man's throat and heartworm boy and his three friends hung their heads as they walked quietly out of the Hanged Man, glaring at her and Anders in their retreat.

With that settled, she turned and headed to the bar, winking at Corff in her usual manner. "A freebie to start off the night? We just saved the bar from scoundrels, I think we deserve a free round, don't you Isabella?"

Corff blushed a little when she winked but chuckled. "You also broke one of my tables, you know how much wood is these days. But I know you're good for it, and I always enjoy the company. One free one for the three of you, but then you have to pay the three coppers!"

"Three? Did you forget about the handsome dwarf? I might have missed the action but these are my friends."

Sangria turned to watch Varric coming down from his room. "I heard the commotion, figured it meant you'd finally gotten here, you bring excitement with you wherever you go."

"Well, if I didn't what kind of stories would you tell? I have to be exciting, if only for you my love."

Varric chuckled heartily at that while Sangria grabbed two of the drinks and Anders grabbed the other two, passing them to Varric and Isabella in turn. Sangria threw back her head and downed her ale in seconds, closely followed by Isabella and Varric. Anders refused to succumb to peer pressure and just laughed as they all took their turns chugging their drinks.

"Getting ready to lose already tonight guys?"

Isabella set her empty mug on the bar before looking pointedly at Anders. "Moreso getting drunk now, since you three can't beat me at a single hand, so I won't be doing much drinking."

Anders shot her an attempt at a menacing glare that only made Sangria laugh more than she'd already started too when Anders attempted his little bravado.

The door to the bar opened, and instinctively, Sangria turned to see who was walking in…and nearly dropped her mug. Of all the people she'd expected to see, and all the little things, she watched as a certain broody, lyrium branded elf walked in. If Isabella hadn't caught the mug, they'd have had more to add to their damage bill.

"F…Fenris? What are you doing here?"

Isabella came up from behind Sangria and settled her arms on her shoulder. "I invited him. I need something nice to look at, and I'd hate to have him brooding away in that mansion of his." Sangria gulped and laughed a little, nervously. This was the first time she'd seen Fenris outside of the odd jobs she couldn't get Aveline away from the City Guard for in a long while. Her heart, which had dropped to her stomach before, had gotten itself back in position, pounding against her ribcage as if trying to escape her chest.

For a moment, she and Fenris just stared at each other, but soon green eyes shifted to the floor and broke it by turning his head aside. "I should not have come. Forgive me." She saw his fists clench as he started to turn as if to leave.

Those words echoed in her head, said with a different tone and in a different way. But she didn't want things to stay like this with him. If she couldn't have him as a lover, she still wanted him as a friend. And friends hung out. She also wanted to break the awkward so she could start teaching him to read again. She had promised him and she meant to keep it, it was just too hard with him lately to relax. She shook her head hard, actually making herself dizzy before smiling brightly at him.

She heard Anders grumbling behind her but she broke the distance between she and the elf, setting her hand on his shoulder lightly, squeezing only slightly. Fenris head snapped back to whomever dared touch him, but when he saw it was her, she saw a flash of emotion in his eyes. He looked like he was devouring her face with his eyes a moment before she felt the tension in his body ease and saw him nod.

Isabella clapped her hands together a moment. "Woohoo! If only Merrill and Aveline were here we'd have the whole gang again. Haven't had an everyone loses to Isabella night in a while! Alright, next rounds on me!"

Sangria smiled brightly up at Fenris, before her hand slipped from his shoulder and she stuck her tongue out at Isabella. "Good, about time you bought us a round! I should mark this on my Calendar, though it would only be fun if it was because I beat you at Poker finally. I swear, tonight, I'll figure out your secret and beat you!"

Isabella winked at Sangria as the bartender made the drinks she'd dropped coins on the counter for them. "Hun, you'll never figure out my secrets, I just let you think you're onto something. You'll never beat me."

Varric, Isabella, and Sangria laughed, none of them noticing when Anders and Fenris stared at each other, Anders glaring while the elf smirked. It had been a while, but eventually Sangria had finally told him why she'd been crying that day. Fenris had broken her heart. Left her. Anders was still mad at him for hurting her like that, but he was glad that it had happened, it had given him the chance to spend more time with her. Fenris smirked a little, a harsh look in his eye, as if telling Anders 'that's right, I'm staying here because she wants me here.'

This kind of anger didn't spur Justice on at least. While his control had been slipping, matters of the heart never sparked Justice to help him, long as someone wasn't outright attacking him. He was glad, he'd hate to ruin this night for Sangria, even if having the elf there had mainly ruined it for him already. He made a mental note to spend the night as close to Sangria's side as possible, if only to rub it in the elf's face.

After a while, the others ordered a few pitchers of ale and headed up towards Varric's room, where most of their hang out nights happened. He had almost missed them, only catching Sangria's auburn head retreating towards the stairs in the corner of his eye. He felt the elf's eyes boring into the back of his head as he turned and headed towards the stairs himself, but he heard the elf following close behind him. He felt a gauntleted hand on his shoulder, pulling him backwards so that the elf's lips were far to close to his ear for comfort.

Anders instinctively whirled around to face the elf, hearing the laughter of their companions fading away up the stairs before the world narrowed down to him and Fenris.

"You were an idiot to leave Hawke."

Anders said the words with as much anger as possible, staff ready should Fenris decide to take this discussion to another level.

"And you were fast enough to replace me."

The elf's hand fell to his sword, ready to strike, the words said through clenched teeth. The words were probably meant to spark anger in him, but instead, he just stared at Fenris. "I love her. You can't even imagine what that is."

It was true, he had loved her almost since the moment he met her, even after having to watch a blade slide into his own previous lovers chest. And in spending time with her, watching her relax, joking with her, seeing her pour so much into the people who visited his clinic and into everything she did, it had only gotten worse. He wouldn't tell her as much, he couldn't love her like she deserved, he had too much to fight for, but he loved her.

"Do not bear your heart to me mage, unless you would see me to rip it out."

The elf's knuckles whitened as they tightened on his sword, and Anders felt his own hand clenching his staff tightly, but before things could escalate further, Isabella came up behind them. "Much as I'd love to see the sparks fly between you too as you fight over who's right, that's more Varric's storylines than my own. Both of you stop beating your chests and get up here, Hawke's waiting for you."

Anders turned to face her, but when her words sank in he sighed. With a last glare at Fenris he made his way up the stairs, taking deep breaths as he walked so that he could be the Sangria was looking for. His night was definitely ruined, but for her, he could put up with the elf, so long as the elf controlled himself and didn't start a fight. He didn't want to hurt Sangria any more than she was already hurting, but if Fenris started with him he wouldn't back down from a fight.

Isabella watched Anders stalk up the stairs before turning to Fenris. She sighed heavily. "You two are like dogs fighting over a bitch in heat. Whatever happened between you and Hawke, I don't care. We're looking to have a fun night with friends. Hopefully you'll be more of a challenge in Poker, though you must have a great poker face. You're so serious all the time."

Fenris glared at her, muttering something in Tevinter before following Isabella's retreating form.

Somehow Merrill and Aveline had ended up there after all, and Fenris watched as Merrill leered at her cards before a huge smile broke out over her face.

"Fold" Varric said soon as he saw the look on her face.

"Fold" That was Isabella.

"Fold" That was Hawke and Anders saying it at the same time.

Aveline groaned in frustration and threw her cards down on the table. "Fold again!"

Fenris looked at the cards in his hand before putting them down as well. "Fold."

Merrill's smile faded into a sharp frown. "Why did you all do that?"

Isabella, who was sitting next to Merrill, put her arms around Merrill's shoulders and kissed her cheek. "Because you smile like that when you've got a good hand, no point throwing our money away. You need a poker face sweet thing."

Hawke giggled and Varric, who had been sitting on her other side, patted her shoulder with a smile. "Daisy, you need to work on that, or you'll never get a good win, though least you're still doing better than Blondie."

Hawke's face was flushed from the heavy drinking she'd been doing, and she giggled harder, almost falling against Anders's side. Anger boiled just beneath the surface watching her so close to him, but for her sake, he did nothing. She seemed…happy. Happier than he'd seen her in a while. Perhaps it had been the right thing to do.

He still felt an ache from leaving her as he had, but the mage seemed to make her happy. His eyes shifted away as he ground his teeth together, before standing up. He had brought himself here because Isabella had insisted he needed to see Sangria again. And he couldn't deny he wanted to. Her touch was still burned into his mind, that night still burned into his soul. But now he had seen her, and he couldn't stay any longer.

"I'm leaving."

With that he ducked out the door, even with protests from everyone but Anders, whom he had noticed when he stood putting his arm around Sangria and staring at him. He clenched his fists tightly, closing the door behind him. He started down the stairs quickly, but heard the door opening again. Figuring it for Anders, he started moving quicker, not wanting to get into a fight again, until a hand he was all too familiar with touched his shoulder again. His heart ached, but he couldn't bring himself to ignore her, so he turned to face her anyway, hoping for a moment she had stopped him for a reason.

"Thank you Fenris. I..I'd like to start teaching you to read again, if that's ok with you. I'm..I'm glad Isabella invited you."

The fact she could still be so serious had him rethinking how drunk she was, but she was a bit shaky on her feet and the flush on her cheeks was undeniable. "I'd like that." The way her face lit up when he said that tore at his heart again, and he had to clench his fists tighter, clawed gauntlets digging into his palm to keep himself from pulling her close and kissing her.

She hiccupped lightly and threw her arms around his neck, nuzzling into him, and his eyes widened in surprise. He tried to step back, away from her arms, before he succumbed to the desires, but he felt her lips on his cheek before he could. Only then did she finally release him.

She smiled brightly up at him before turning back towards the stairs. Worried about her going up them in her state, he moved to her side, walking her back to Varric's door before finally turning and leaving the Hanged Man.

When he was outside, he took deep breaths, focusing on the pain in his palms rather than the pounding of his heart. His cheek tingled from her lips, and it brought back the memories of their night full force. He whirled around and slammed his fist into the wall beside the door to the Hanged Man before finally going back to his mansion in Hightown.


	5. Chapter 5

It had been a few weeks since poker night with Fenris at the Hanged Man, and Sangria was finally starting to feel alive again. Fenris showed up for short times at the Hanged Man when everyone was there, and she had gone back to teaching him to read. Things were still tense with him, both of them were holding a lot back, but she was content with her life as it was. Besides, Fenris had left her, and since then she'd started falling for Anders. The more time she spent with him the more she realized he really was one of the main reasons she was feeling better.

Part of her heart would always ache at being so close to Fenris yet unable to be with him, but it was now a scar rather than an open wound. Now and then she felt it, and cried herself to sleep at night. Not to mention she was physically frustrated with Anders. For all their closeness he still tried so hard to hold back from her. But long as they didn't end up staring into each other's eyes for any lengthened period in time they managed to just be friends.

Anders had convinced her it was a light day at the clinic, told her to go find something else to do for a while. Besides she'd depleted a lot of her mana in a recent quest, she probably wouldn't be much good to him anyway. She'd shopped for a few potions and such she might need, picked herself up a few new robes that were be-spelled with advantages while fitting comfortably. And mother had told her she had another noble party in a couple days. Mother took care of shopping for the nicer dresses but she was still glad to be away from it all while preparations were made.

It was still early in the day, Anders had told her to go back a few hours later, so she decided to just walk around the markets for a while. She was smiling real smiles, humming to herself and resisting the urge to hop even.

She found a few weapons that her companions might like, so she bought them and filled out the paperwork to have them delivered, as well as a few books for Fenris to start working on. They were simple without being an insult to him, least she hoped so.

She had a feeling Anders had been doing some of his mage underground work that he was so hush hush about and that's why he'd chased her off, but she looked to the sun and squinted at it. She'd managed to kill a few hours, time to go back and see how Anders was doing. Maybe she'd managed to catch him at work with the mages and force him to let her help out. That was unlikely, but she could hope right? Just like she could still hope she'd walk in on Fenris dancing throughout his mansion. Despite her worries about what Anders was doing, she was giggling as she made her way towards the lit lantern.

Of course, when she got there, her mood crashed and nerves fluttered at her stomach. Anders was pacing, and soon as he saw her he whirled around to her. 'Oh no what happened now?' she thought, gulping when she started towards him. Had something gone awry?

"Have you noticed how many Tranquil are in the Gallows courtyard lately?"

She had noticed it but she'd tried to avoid it. She had enough on her plate worrying about the Qunari and their fanatics, keeping her mother occupied, trying to help where she could. Not to mention there wasn't anything she could do.

"And don't tell me I'm just sensitive to it. I've been watching and every day there are new Tranquil selling their bloody wares."

She bit her lip nervously. Where was he going with this? Did he know what was going on? A spark of hope she could help him with something regarding the mage underground relaxed her a bit but she still didn't know what he knew about it. She did want to help the mages. But unless she decided to unleash Justice on every Tranquil in the Gallows and have them say they wanted to be dead or lose their minds, there wasn't much she could do once they were already Tranquil. She hated her own helplessness to help her kind.

"Good mages too. People I know have passed the Harrowing."

'Meredith' She thought it rather than say it and spark Justice's anger, fists clenching tightly for a moment before she forced a calm face, wanting to find out more without making this worse. Being snarky right now would probably be a bad idea, so she stayed calm, handling this seriously.

"Doesn't Chantry law say that mages who passed their Harrowing can't be made Tranquil?"

She knew next to nothing about the Harrowing, she had never had to get stuck in the Circle thankfully, but she still thought she'd known that much about it.

"Exactly. The Templars are using the Rite of Tranquility to silence those who would speak against them. They're working on a deliberate plan to turn every mage in Kirkwall within the next three years."

Rage finally broke her calm exterior and she felt her teeth grind together as they so rarely ever did, nails biting into her palms with a ferocity she hadn't known she possessed. She was almost glad Bethany had died on the way here; she wouldn't have a chance to be subjected to this…this horror.

"Who's behind this?"

"The plan is the work of a templar named Ser Alrik. I've had a run-in with him myself. He's the one who did the ritual on Karl. Nasty piece of work. Likes to make mages beg."

Her rage was momentary doused by worry about Anders. If he had had a run-in with so dangerous a templar…then the templars were probably getting closer to finding him. But she had to know what had happened, so she could protect him from it in the future.

"What happened between you and Ser Alrik?"

"I've been involved in an… underground resistance. Mages, living free in Kirkwall, who help other mages escape."

She knew that much already, he'd let it slip a couple times. She was really wishing she could help him with it now, if he was running into men who would rather see mages just all turned into docile doddering simpering fools. But he was damnably good at keeping her away from the dangerous aspects of his life for all the time they spent together.

"I can't tell you anymore, for your sake, and theirs. You have too much involvement with the Guard and nobility."

So that was why he really kept it from her. She'd kind of wondered what he thought she would do. He knew she stood for mages, she was one, so why would she ruin his attempts to help them escape. But she was a danger. One of her closest friends was the Guard Captain, one drunken slip up and she could ruin everything. The nobility didn't worry her, she barely talked to them, never mind spill someone's secrets. But she could definitely see herself accidently telling Aveline something.

"Suffice it to say, I've been in the Gallows, I've seen his work first hand."

And the worry was eating away at her. Of course, he gives her something she could use to get there and help him, after he's given her a very good reason to not know anything more about it. 'Know thine enemy.' He was telling her this much, he obviously knew something and wanted her help, or he wouldn't be telling her even this much. She had a feeling she'd be facing this Ser Alrik soon.

"What do you know about Ser Alrik?"

Anders actually looked almost sad for a moment. "The knight commander is at least sincere in her convictions. However misguided, she believes she's helping people."

Ok that was weird, Anders in a round-a-bout way praising Meredith. Ok she was way over exaggerating, but she never thought Anders could find a good thing about anyone who was pretty anti-mage, especially someone like Meredith.

"Ser Alrik's a sadist. Cold-blooded as a lizard. He likes to experiment on mages, find out what it takes to push them into the arms of demons."

She felt rage all over again. This was madness. She may not be a fan of templars but most of the ones she'd met weren't that bad. They might suspect it at every corner but she didn't see them as the type to push and push until the mages caved. She hoped Carver would never do anything like that.

"How do we stop them?"

He looked around nervously for a moment, head turning side to side, eyes shifting. She found herself wanting to look around too, he was making her nervous, but finally he moved towards her, almost whispering against her ear in a way that sent a subtle shiver down her spine. 'Maker preserve me my biology has the worst timing.' She sent the small prayer up before listening to what Anders was saying.

"My friends in the mage underground know a way inside. A secret entrance under the walls of the Gallows. Come with me tonight, please. Help me find the evidence of this 'Tranquil Solution.'"

They even had a name for it? Then again it was a plan. Apparently more of a plan then she realized. Was Meredith really that far gone to think all mages should be tranquil?

"What do you mean, Tranquil Solution?"

"That's what he calls it. His 'peaceful' solution to the mage problem- to sunder the mind of every mage in the Free Marches! I'm told he's even bringing his proposal to Val Royeux, to the Divine herself."

Her palm had long since started bleeding from her emotional melee with herself, and she winced when she felt her nails trying to dig the blood deeper. She cast a small healing spell on the palms of her hands to fix them while listening to him.

"He would turn every mage in Thedas into a drooling simpleton under his command!"

Despite her anger a part of her mind was soaring at the fact he was actually asking her to help him with something like this, and she gave him a slight soft smile. "I won't let you face this alone."

His face softened into one of his rare and beautiful smiles, the sincere ones she usually only saw when he was drunk at the Hanged Man, and even then he usually stopped himself before he got there. Her heart beat quickened as the butterflies in her stomach scattered. "You are the one bright light in Kirkwall."

That compliment had taken her so far aback that she blushed before she could stop herself, eyes dashing away for a second as her palms started brushing invisible wrinkles out of her robes. But then he went and ruined the moment by being serious.

"I've always feared being made Tranquil. Now more than ever. I'm ready to go when you are. Our entrance is concealed not far from here."

His switch back to serious had her emotions back in check again, so she was ready to go do this.

"Alright, let me get Isabella and Fenris to help us out. We don't know for sure what to expect, better we're prepared."

"Fenris? Why in the Maker's name would you bring him? We're going to help the mages, he'll want no part in that."

She crossed her arms and looked up at him, giving him a stare down that had him stepping back even while his face was still tense. "We need a warrior, and unless you want the City Guard involved in this anyway and finding out about your entrance, he's our best bet. He won't say anything to anyone about it, he'll just complain along the way and probably criticize us for doing things like this. Besides, he's helped me help the mages before regardless of his personal feelings. He knows where I stand."

Anders's anger was evident when she explained why and he had to agree. The only others in the group were Merrill and Varric. Varric wouldn't be bad but with Isabella as the only other one good with heavy damages, two rogues would have a harder time dealing with the enemies. Someone had to distract them so that Isabella could go in and so that Anders and Sangria could cast spells from afar. Neither of them were great with taking damage, even as healers. And as healers they needed to stay alive to keep their team alive. And Merrill helping sickened him. The last thing he needed was the very thing the templars were locking up mages for helping him in his quest to save the mages.

"Fine. I'll wait here. Get them and we can go."

Sangria was all business as she nodded, turning and heading out of the Clinic to gather up her best team.

A couple hours later, Fenris did basically as she had expected. "Perhaps this 'Tranquil Solution' wouldn't be a bad idea. Then mages wouldn't have it in their means to search for power."

Sangria whirled around and stepped into Fenris's personal space, the look on her face as well as the proximity to her shutting him up, an almost timid look on his face as he leaned away from her a little, even if his face didn't really do timid.

"Do you want me to have no emotions, no goals? To not care whether everyone in Hightown knows you're squatting in that mansion waiting for your master to get you? To not fight off the slavers and not keep convincing Aveline to protect you? Because that's what Tranquility does to you. You stop caring about anything but what the templars ask, stop caring about freedom, stop caring about your friends. You don't feel anymore."

Fenris stepped back and looked away, cursing in Tevinter with the angry set on his face but knowing he'd just lost that fight. "You are different." He was trying to save himself, but when she stepped towards him again, he had obviously said the wrong thing.

"No, I'm not. This man's plan is to turn all mages tranquil. That means me. Especially me, as I've never been in the Circle. It's not as if people aren't already suspicious of me being a mage. It's a wonder they haven't known it yet. I'm everything he's trying to avoid. I'd be the perfect example."

Fenris's face was nothing but defeat as he nervously looked the other way, trying to not see her accusing and angry face. "Fine."

With that over, Sangria took a few deep breaths. Thankfully, she'd kept her voice low and only made her tone angry. The people around Darktown were looking at her curiously, but no one said anything other than their usual misery statements. Isabella was snickering, looking at Fenris with a knowing and devious smirk before walking over to him. "If you need a cure for those burns I'm sure I could take your mind off it. You know where I live." She winked at him, bumping her chest against him before snickering some more and stepping back towards Hawke.

If it were anyone but Isabella saying something like that to Fenris, her feelings would have led to her knocking someone out, but Isabella flirted with everything that moved, and much as she tried with Fenris it got her nowhere. She actually took some satisfaction out of being what seemed to be the only one who could rattle his cage. Even If there were no more rattlings to be had.

Isabella leaned in against her ear and whispered in a low, seductive voice "Nice job sweet thing. I always did love a woman who spoke her mind." Hawke laughed, Isabella's usual humor melting her anger at Fenris away for the moment. "You love any woman or man who knows how to control a rudder." She playfully pushed Isabella away as her pirate friend gave her her best fake hurt look, before just waggling her eyebrows and smirking.

"I like big ships and I cannot lie."

Fenris muttered something in Tevinter as usual, but otherwise, hung back from the two ladies, properly shut up for the time being.

With that, Sangria led the way back to Anders Clinic. When she walked in he was pacing again. It had taken longer than she'd thought to convince Fenris and Isabella to join her, Fenris having just been stubborn about helping mages and Isabella had bought herself several drinks and insisted on finishing them first.

His staff was ready when he whirled around to face then but Hawke just threw up her hands. "We have really got to stop meeting like this Justice. Not everyone who walks in here is a threat. I'm surprised you don't just instinctively know it's me at this point." There had been no blue lightning but usually when Anders got that defensive it was Justice spurred.

Anders just gathered up the couple potions he had scattered around in case he or their companions should need them before turning and heading out the door Sangria had just come through. He paused when he was near Fenris, and the two glared at each other a moment before Anders looked away and, through clenched teeth, surprised both Sangria and Fenris.

"Thank you for helping with this."

Fenris's eyes narrowed in suspicion at first, and Sangria found herself looking around for some trap, but when neither of them seemed to see what they were looking for, they stared dumbfounded at Anders for a moment before Sangria rushed to catch up with him and the other two followed.

A few petty thieves tried to attack them, but Anders was rather angry and between his fireball and Sangria's Chain Lightning spells, they were down and charred in seconds. She bit her lip and watched Anders as he made his way towards one of the sewer holes.

When he got to one she assumed was the entrance, he stopped, staring down into its depths for a moment before looking at her. "This is it. This tunnel will take us into the Gallows. Are you ready to help me find evidence of the 'Tranquil Solution?'" The words even fell from his lips as if they were poisoned. He was staring at her intently, waiting for her to respond. She shot a look at Fenris to quell any protests he may have made, but other than a scowl on his face as he looked at the entrance, he seemed to know it was time to be quiet.

Her ice blue eyes shifted back to Anders and she nodded sharply, serious now. "Let's go."

When they dropped down into the depths of the dark hole, she was rather surprised to find her boots in thick grasses that grew rampant down here. It had looked like a sewer entrance but apparently it was legimately a basement path. How had this path not been found out yet?

She heard Anders mention something about lyrium smugglers while he led the way through the tunnel, and that much made sense to her; probably people trying to make a quick sovereign off templars in need of lyrium. This meant there were probably important people watching over this entrance to keep it from being noticed.

"Well speaking of lyrium smugglers, seems we have some guests! And I didn't even bring my wines! Mother would be furious with me."

Men who must have been in the process of said smuggling were now turned on them. She watched as Isabella faded into the background at first, and then Fenris charged at them. While he shifted his feet, keeping all the men occupied by the sharp giant sword he was skillfully swinging around at them, Isabella poofed in that undeniably awe-inspiring speed of hers behind them and one by one stabbed each in the back. That wouldn't have killed them, but only a moment later Fenris swung his sword in a large arc around, and the men dropped.

Before they could move on, more filtered in through the narrow doorways around them, yelling battle cries in their frustration at being foiled. She smirked and leapt back as a few got too close to her, swinging her staff in a small arc as frost spilled out in front of her, freezing the men in her Cone of Cold spell. Fenris made quick work of the frozen men and behind her, Sangria heard rock solidifying, turning to watch a giant fist of stone send a few of the men flying into the walls of the path. They slid down, hitting the ground unconscious. They wouldn't be a bother anymore.

Isabella and Fenris had made quick work of the few others remaining that had come to the aid of their fellow smugglers, and Sangria smirked devilishly.

"Told you it was a good team too have Anders."

She just had to have that I told you so moment. Anders barely even looked at her when she said it though, his face set as he hurried on through the winding tunnel as his eyes slid along the sides, checking to see if there were any signs of Ser Alrik having been here recently.

It seemed they were wandering in the tunnels for a while before she heard voices echoing off the walls in one of the nearby caverns. Smugglers again? Anders looked back at her and she nodded, acknowledging she heard it too. Then they were both running full speed towards the source.

A young girl who's skin tone reminded her of Isabella was backing up into a rocky outcropping near a set of stairs. She was obviously afraid, and Sangria noted her robes. She was a mage. That must mean the ugly man crowding her against the rocks and his gang of misfit templars were Ser Alrik and crew.

"No, please, I haven't done anything wrong!"

The ugly old man kept moving, kept backing her away while talking. "That's a lie. What do we do to mages who lie?"

The girl tried to look brave, taking a slight step forward as she clasped her hands for a moment. "I just wanted to see my mum. No one ever told her where they were taking me!"

Anders had stepped ahead of her, but froze. She saw his eyes before he glanced away, and blue lightning was staring out of them now. He looked like he was desperately trying to control himself.

"No, no this is their place. We cannot-"

He was cut off by Ser Alrik moving towards the girl again.

"So you admit your attempted escape. You know what happens to mage girls-"

She stopped really listening to him, watching Anders fighting to not lose it. She glanced back at Fenris who just shot her a look like 'told you this was a bad idea' but said nothing. Isabella was watching Ser Alrik, waiting for a chance to strike. Sangria's thoughts were cut off when she heard the girl fall to her knees and looked back. "No please, don't make me Tranquil. I'll do anything!"

Ser Alrik got a satisfied smirk on his face as he moved towards her again. "That's right, one you're Tranquil, you'll do anything I ask!"

Sangria's anger sparked up all over again. This girl didn't deserve Tranquility for wanting to let her mom know she was alright. If Sangria did ever end up captured and dragged to the Circle, she'd make sure her mother knew that.

"What are you doing to that girl?" The anger was barely held back from her voice. But it fell apart once Anders started swinging his staff around and moving closer. However, it wasn't her Anders, it was Justice again. Seems Anders had lost the fight with Justice after all. She bit her lip, but this wasn't the time to try and calm him down.

"You fiends will never touch a mage again."

Soon, Justice stopped moving forward, holding his staff out and casting one of the most intense Fireballs she'd ever seen. Fenris reacted quickly to Anders starting the fight, charging in and going right for Ser Alrik. Mage or not, even he seemed to think this was going too far, his lyrium was already lit and he was moving faster than usual, slashing at him with a sword, looking for an opening to phase into the man's chest.

Isabella laughed before vanishing, reappearing behind two of Alrik's templars. "Ahh what a waste of handsome men." They looked back in shock, having not heard her coming, but before they could do anything about it her knives found the weaknesses in their armor and they were down.

Not wanting to miss out on the fun, Sangria looked around quickly to see if any more were coming; seemed like there were always more enemies than you thought initially. Justice had moved closer to the other templars, so close he was almost just slashing them with his staff rather than casting spells. Her allies were far enough away she could take out the ones coming. She closed her eyes and felt the lightning react to her call, great bolts appearing out of nowhere, surrounding the area in blue lightning. The sparks of her Tempest spell leapt at the templars armor, a few of them shaking with the force of the lightning coursing through their system, and Isabella made quick work of them.

Ser Alrik was smart though. He had gotten away from Fenris, who was now taking on three of the other templars. Guess it would be her job to get to him. She stepped further back, holding out her staff before smirking devilishly. She was going to have fun with this. A Horror spell launched at him and his eyes went wide in her direction. He looked like he was trying to fight it, but she watched sheer fear drain his spirit, leaving him next to helpless.

She glanced at Justice who'd just taken out a templar with his staff and decided she'd end this herself. She had to be careful lest the proof they were looking for was on his body, but a Stonefirst spell formed and went flying towards him, slamming him into the wall behind him. His armor rattled but the momentum had smashed his head into the wall, and he was dead before he hit the ground.

She was panting heavily, getting ready to go over and search his body, before Justice started moving towards the poor mage girl who was cowering against the wall, trying to make herself as small as possible to avoid getting hit by anything going on around her.

"They will die! I will have every templar for these abuses!" Justice was angry, and moving towards the mage girl at an alarming rate considering Anders had come down here to save mages.

"It's over Anders, they're all dead." She hoped reasoning with Anders would keep Justice from doing something he'd make Anders regret, but she was ready to defend that mage girl from Justice if he was going to try and do something to her. All that did was make him leap towards the girl, whirling around and holding his staff towards her.

"Every one of them will feel Justice's burn."

The girl gasped and threw her hands up as if it would protect her, backing up until she hit the wall again. What was Justice doing?

"Get away from me, demon!" At the moment, Sangria couldn't really fault her for her words. Anders was entirely Justice right now, there was no Anders to reach out too. To someone who didn't know the dynamics that technically made this possession different, he definitely seemed like a demon.

Justice didn't like that, whirling around to face the girl, marching towards her, stopping just before her. "I am no demon! Are you one of them that you would call me such?"

Oh no, this was getting bad fast. She moved a little closer, wanting to protect the girl. She still needed to try reasoning with him though. Anders would never live with himself if he found out Justice had killed one of the very people he was trying to protect.

"Anders, that girl is a mage. We just rescued her from being made Tranquil."

"She is theirs, I can feel their hold on her!"

The demons or the templars? Sangria didn't think she should wait to find out.

"She's the reason you're fighting Anders. Don't turn on her now!" She watched as the poor girl fell to her knees, looking at the ground and begging him. "Please messere!"

She lunged forward as Anders raised his hand, a spell she probably didn't even want to know forming, but before he could bring it down on the girl, there was a shattering sound, and Justice fell backwards, the lightning dying down a little as Anders almost threw himself on the ground. She sighed heavily in relief, she had almost thought there was no hope for the situation, but seemed like Anders had finally broken through. He held his head, shaking it, trying to push Justice away. She watched in horror as the man she loved literally battled his inner demon, Vengeance.

The girl had cowered and held her hands up to defend herself, but when the spell didn't come down on her, she slowly picked her head up, looking to see why she wasn't dead yet. Soon as she realized she really was alive, she turned and ran up the stairs, and Sangria quickly moved towards Anders.

"Maker no! I almost-" He started trying to pick himself up off the ground, his face haunted by what he'd just been so close to doing. He stood up and looked her in the face for a moment before looking away. "If you weren't here…I…I need to get out of here!" Anders took off up the same stairs the girl had taken, and Sangria's heart broke a little more inside as she watched him. Anders would hate himself for this. She bit her lip then, without even looking towards her companions, darted up the steps, hoping to find him before he could do anything stupid.

She bolted out the door but was stopped as she climbed out of the new sewer entrance back to Darktown by the girl.

"You..you saved my life serah. What was that thing?"

Sangria knew she had to defend Anders before this girl talked about an abomination running about. "He's no demon, just a deeply troubled man." More so at this moment then ever probably, she was itching to just turn and leave, but the girl looked so sad as she turned her head away. "Can..Can I go home now?"

This was her chance to help someone escape the Circle at least. "Find your parents, but don't stay there. You must leave Kirkwall." Fenris growled behind her but she ignored him, focusing on the girl.

"I know. There's nowhere in the city where Ser Alrik's men won't find me. Thank you serah. Andraste herself must have put you in that room." With that she finally turned to walk away. "I hardly think Andraste had anything to do with it. But hey, always nice to be a messenger of the gods in the eyes of people…"She didn't actually like it but something needed to lighten the mood a bit. Even Isabella had no snarky comment, and Fenris was glowering in silence. But she didn't have time for this, turning and running towards Anders Clinic where she assumed he'd run to once he got out of there.

When she got there she eyed Isabella and Fenris, signaling them to stay behind. They both nodded and Sangria headed in. Anders was crouched in the corner, going through his belongings. "Trash. Trash. Keep. Trash. Trash." His voice got angrier every time he said trash and Sangria quickly walked up behind him. She realized she hadn't found proof, but Isabella coughed from outside. Sangria went back towards the door and Isabella handed her a parchment with the Tranquil Solution on it. She skimmed it over with her eyes and nodded. "Thanks. I'd have left it if it weren't for you."

Isabella winked at her and smiled. "You'll just have to make it up to me somehow I guess."

Sangria giggled a little. "Fine fine you get three drinks on me at the Hanged Man later."

Isabella frowned at her. "Only three? Fine fine, I'll settle. Saves me a few coppers anyway. Now go help our healer."

Sangria nodded and, refusing to look at Fenris, ran back into Anders's clinic and walked up behind him.

She cleared her throat, making Anders look at her finally, and held the parchment out for him. "This is all Ser Alrik had." She was probably putting a lot of faith in Isabella, there may have been something else, but she wasn't about to admit to Anders she'd been too worried about him to worry about the Tranquil.

"Looks like the Tranquil Solution began and ended with him."

She saw hope on his face again when he almost snatched the paper from her, but she couldn't really fault him for it at the moment. "Let me see that!" She kept her thoughts to herself, but couldn't resist a quip in her own mind. 'Sure, cuz I had so much choice in the matter. If only you were that grabby with me.' She almost giggled at her own thoughts, but this wasn't the time or the place. She blamed her hormones again.

"The Divine…rejected the idea. Meredith rejected the idea! This was…not what I expected. Perhaps I should try talking to the Grand Cleric. Maybe she's more reasonable than I thought. Thank you, I will think on what you've said."

He walked away, probably to go write out a manifesto to try and talk to Elthina, and she raised an eyebrow at him. She said something? Oh well she should go outside and tell Isabella and Fenris the coast was clear and she was fine, that they could go home.

She stepped out of Anders Clinic for the moment and smiled at them. "It's ok. I'm going to stay here for a while and make sure he's ok, but you guys can go. I'll be there tonight Isabella to get you those drinks I now owe you. And Fenris, I'll be over tomorrow, I found you a few new books while I was in the markets earlier."

Fenris looked inside the Clinic, growling low in his throat for a moment. "Are you sure he's safe? He turned on one innocent for the day, what's to say that abomination won't turn on you?" His hand was on his sword as he started towards the door but Sangria put her hand on his breastplate, shifting in front of him so that he couldn't keep going without at least looking at her first. And when green eyes met ice blue she smiled at him. "I appreciate your concern Fenris, but I'll be fine. You know Anders wasn't himself there. Even you have to admit that much. He's not going to turn on me. Besides, I'm hoping Justice has noticed I'm trying to help him with his cause." She smiled again and went on her tip toes, kissing Fenris's cheek before slinking back into the Clinic.

She could imagine the slight blush and bewildered eyes he'd have, but she couldn't deal with it. Isabella was laughing and teasing him about it, and she heard an angry retort from him before she tuned them out.

When she focused on Anders again, he was setting out metal bowls. She raised an eyebrow and started towards him. She couldn't see what was in them from this angle, so she moved closer.

"What are you doing?" She asked, closing the distance between them quickly.

"Putting out milk. I miss having a cat around, but I think the refugees have scared them all off. Or maybe eaten them."

She almost laughed at that, but it was actually a possibility so she figured that probably wouldn't be her best bet. "You know, I've been meaning to thank you. Having someone like you making a name for yourself in Kirkwall, it's done a lot for mages. You're the kind of leader we need. To tell the world we won't be punished any longer for our maker given gifts."

She smiled at him warmly. "I don't care about the politics. I just don't want to see the templars lock you up." She wanted so badly to hug him and say everything would be alright, but this seemed an inappropriate time for that. And she was curious what he'd say.

His eyes darted away a moment. "I've tried to hold back. You saw what I almost did to that girl. You've seen what I am. But I'm still a man. You can't tease me like this and expect me to resist forever."

She laughed softly and stepped in closer to him, watching the emotions shift through his eyes as he tried to lean back.

"How long until I drive you mad?"

She watched something snap inside him, and he stepped in towards her, his lips pressing to hers. Years of desperation, longing, resisting, everything swarmed her mind at once until it just short circuited at the feel of his lips on hers, his tongue sliding inside her mouth. She felt herself get backed up against one of the pillars but it didn't matter. She locked her arms around him and kissed him deeply, trying to express with the kiss that she didn't care what happened, that she loved him.

When he finally broke the kiss for air, his breathing was labored and she knew she was panting a little. She wanted him so badly right now, wanted to pull him down to her lips and kiss him again, but he started moving back. She felt her arm lift from her side a little, trying to pull him back, but his eyes looked haunted.

"This will be a disaster. But I can't live without it. We could die tomorrow. I don't want it to be before I tell you how I feel."

She reached a hand out to touch his face. "If you haven't noticed, I feel the same Anders." She couldn't quite say the words aloud yet, but she wanted to express them all the same.

"I thought..with Justice…this part of me was over. I can't give you a normal life. If you're with me, we'll be hunted. Hated. The whole world will be against us. If your door is open tonight, I will come to you. If not, I'll know you took my warning at last."

"Yes cuz I'm doing a great job at living a normal life as it is."

But Anders had already moved away from her. She sighed heavily, resting back against the pillar a moment to try and catch her breath, try and steady the rampant beating of her heart. Seemed he had a couple patients for the day, but she didn't trust herself around him at the moment. That kiss had removed the thin shield she'd kept up to keep herself from throwing herself at him, and now he'd just promised to come to her tonight.

She watched him a moment then turned and left the Clinic.

"Sounds like it's time for Bodahn to run a hot scented bath for me."


	6. Chapter 6

After a long scented bath, a full meal, and a lot of pacing, Sangria was starting to wonder if Anders was even going to show up. Like she already had several times throughout the night, she checked to make sure the door to her estate was unlocked, opening it and looking around outside. A few times she thought she saw someone, but when she tried to look closer they were gone. She figured her imagination was overreacting in her panic he wouldn't show.

She started toward the kitchen, figuring she'd make herself some tea or something, but was intercepted by Bodahn. "Anything I can get for you messere?"

She was getting frustrated and desperately needed to keep her mind occupied. She ended up taking her frustrations out on poor Bodahn. "I can make my own tea Bodahn I don't need a manservant to do it for me!"

Bodahn blinked, she was never harsh with him, but instead he shook his head. "No messere, I owe you my son's life. This is the only way I can repay you right now."

She was about to snap at him again before she caught herself. "No, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped at you. But I…I had plans tonight and now I'm not sure if they're going through….I'm just stressed. I need to do something. So I can handle it. Thank you though Bodahn, I appreciate it. And you should know, you've more than repaid any debt you have ever had to me. You've been a good friend and a great help to me."

Bodahn blushed and twiddled his thumbs a moment before shaking his head again. "You've helped me as well messere. I will eventually bring my boy back to Ferelden, but for now, I think we're in a good place."

She smiled and bent down to kiss her friend on the forehead. "Go get sleep Bodahn. It's late. I'll be fine. Promise." Bodahn blushed again when she kissed him but nodded and walked off.

With that done she took a deep breath, waiting until he walked away before running back towards the door to see if she'd missed Anders. However, nothing stirred save Bodahn's quarters opening and closing. Silence settled over the household; dreary, deafening silence. She bit her lip, hurrying back towards the kitchen, pouring what was probably more than a tea cup full of tea and setting it over the fire she spelled into the fireplace.

Soon as that was done, she rushed back to wait at the door of the kitchen until the whistling started. She bit her lip harder, drawing blood and performing a quick healing spell. Last thing she wanted for tonight was a swollen lip. If tonight was even happening.

Before she knew it she was pacing, back and forth, glancing at the kettle over the fire before rushing back towards the door and opening it, then sighing heavily and slamming the door shut. She cringed, and listened to see if she disturbed anyone. She had to calm down. He would show. He had promised. She had no reason not to trust him. And if he didn't…then perhaps it was for the best. Her life was crazy enough without loving a revolutionary. She just knew something bad was going to happen someday, especially with his control over Justice slipping.

But her heart betrayed her. She wanted to be with him, be a part of it, whatever it was. She knew he had high expectations and plans, but she wanted to be there with him regardless.

Her mind started drifting towards Fenris. To think the angry slave would be a safer lover than a healer. Her anxiety quelled a little as the part of her that would always belong to Fenris told her this was a betrayal, to be this eager for another man's touch. But the Ander's side of her heart reminded her he wasn't just any man. He was a good, kind, strong man, and she had loved him since she first met him.

Sometimes when she hadn't been with Fenris after her failed advances towards Anders, she had lain awake at night wishing he would be there. Those fantasies faded into just dreams when she had started getting close enough to Fenris, and in her despair she hadn't had a chance to linger over them again once Fenris left. But the last few weeks, since she had managed a sort of friendship with Fenris, Anders had been on her mind. She had woken up when I moan had been ripped from her own throat at a dream she had about Anders using electricity along her body. It hurt when you just got hit by spells but she could imagine it if it were controlled, how sensitive she'd be. Damn Isabella for mentioning Anders and his electricity thing from back when she slept with the Hero of Ferelden and her King.

Great, now she was making herself more eager for Anders to show up. However, it was late, after midnight if she had to guess by how dark the outside was. She sighed heavily, then noticed a whistling her subconscious had registered but her mind had been occupied from and cursed beneath her breath, realizing her tea had been boiling for a while now. She turned back and ran towards the fire, casting a minor water spell to douse the flames quick.

"Ouch, ouch, ouch, OUCH!" She muttered as the hot kettle burned her fingers while she poured into a tea cup. She must have put a lot in, because now, after steaming for so long, the tea fit perfectly into the china set her mother had bought almost soon as they had gotten her estate back. And that was with it spilling over the table as she tried to not touch the kettle too much. Finally she had emptied it and set it down, rushing to the water basin for washing in the kitchen and letting her burnt fingers feel the soothing coolness of the water.

She was doing an awful lot of healing tonight for her night off from helping Anders. When the pain had ebbed away enough she could concentrate, she closed her eyes and cast a small healing spell, not wanting to tire herself out just yet. Even if she had mostly decided he wasn't coming, part of her kept screaming be ready.

She sighed heavily again as she dropped a couple of sugar cubes Bodahn had made for her into her tea, watching them melt away like her spirit. Maker, she was getting depressed again. If Anders really didn't show, she would move on with her life. Love wasn't all there was to life. With a heavy heart she swirled the sugar around in the cup, put a couple drops of water in it to make it cool enough to drink, then headed upstairs to her room. She wanted to close the door, to not keep hoping, to just give up and go to bed, but when her hand reached towards the door it hesitated, then fell back to her side.

She walked to her bed and sat on the edge of it, sipping her tea delicately to keep from burning her tongue on the hot liquid. She sipped it carefully, staring into the flames of the fireplace in her room, before it lost its flavor and any appeal it had had to her and she set it beside her diary where she wrote down everything that had happened. She'd be writing again when she awoke tomorrow. The tea was cool already, but she'd bring it downstairs in the morning. She headed to her bed, leaning against the bedpost and staring into the flames, her mind racing with a mixture of excuses, denials, and logical reasoning.

Her heart beat pounded when, finally, slightly unfamiliar footsteps got louder, moving towards her. Forcing herself to calm down she turned her head to watch Anders walking in slowly. She wanted so badly to just throw herself at him, but he had kept her waiting this long, she wasn't about to give him the satisfaction of knowing just how badly she wanted him.

"You're here!" The excitement entered her voice and she cursed herself, eyes narrowing on him a little as her next words were emphasized to point out how much he'd hurt her. "I wasn't sure you would come."

Soon as he heard her voice he froze, looking forlorn and thoughtful at once. "Justice does not approve of my obsession with you. He believes you're a distraction."

Her heart sank into her stomach as she forced herself not to look away from him. 'Don't you dare tell me you came here just to tell me Justice is too strong and we can't do this.' She bit back the intense desire to say it, and just watched him as he moved closer to her.

"It is one of the few things on which he and I disagree."

"So…he's kind of an unwilling participant in our threesome?" Ok that was probably not going to go over well, but the sarcasm in her, and wanting to nettle him for keeping her waiting, was a bad combination.

He looked almost in pain when she said that. "Please don't call it that."

She laughed softly at his reaction, but sobered up when he looked like he got lost in his own thoughts. "When I was in the Circle, love was only a game. It gave the templars too much power if there was something you couldn't stand to lose." He moved closer to her, and her heart was pounding in her chest again, as if trying to rip itself out and attach itself to Anders.

He looked away and stepped back, unable to look at her to say the words that melted her heart. "It would kill me to lose you."

She stepped closer, bridging the gap between them and smiling at him. Much as part of her heart would always belong to Fenris, she loved Anders, would stay by his side regardless of what happened. She'd have stayed by Fenris's side too…if he hadn't left her like that. And even now, she craved any sort of closeness she could manage. But while the scars would never heal fully, she could feel the strong emotions that pulled her towards Anders, now more than ever.

"You aren't going to lose me."

He looked at her in his peripherals, as if afraid to actually look into her eyes when she said that, his hand lifting to rest on her cheek, butterflies forming and scattering like wildfire in the woods infecting her stomach. She wanted so badly to pull him towards her, but he also looked so adorably timid in how he was treasuring her, treasuring this moment.

"No mage I know has dared to fall in love." Even as she spoke she watched as his head moved just a little towards her, and she herself closed the distance between their lips as well. "This is the rule I will most cherish breaking."

She felt his lips against her and moaned low in her throat already, but he seemed to almost not notice it, kissing her tenderly, pouring his heart into it rather than his lust.

Not wanting to break eye contact, or lip contact for that matter, but also feeling needy, she stepped back towards her bed, pulling his hand while he followed her just as eagerly. She felt the end against her legs and slowly let herself fall, and Anders didn't stop moving, sliding on top of her before claiming her lips with his own again.

Her heart was racing so hard, her body aching so badly, but she didn't want to push things. She was glad Anders had finally given in to his feelings, she didn't want to chase him away by wanting him too much. Most guys would love it, but she could see Anders just worrying about her and walking away for it.

Her arms locked around his waist, and she could already feel him pressing against her through his robes, and her body shook. Years of desires aimed towards this man, and frustration at the time span between the last time she'd been able to feed her desires all flowed through her at once. Maker, just his lips were nearly driving her into ecstasy. But he took his time, kissing her softly, gently, expressing a million emotions at once. Most importantly, he was treasuring the moment, and the tenderness was eating up her heart and slowly but surely enflaming her body.

Despite the rising heat in her body, she felt a definite chill in Anders, even through the robes, though he was quickly warming up. She pushed him back just a little bit and eyed him. "How long were you standing outside trying to make up your mind?"

He looked away but she raised her hand and forced his face back to hers. She couldn't be mad at him anymore, not when he looked like this. "I..had been outside for a while."

So she had seen him outside in her constant peeks. Oh great, he already knew how desperate she was then. And he'd still stayed out there for a while longer. Why hadn't he come in when she slammed the door? Had he checked it to see if she'd locked it?

She realized that right now it didn't really matter to her. All that mattered was that she had Anders right now. She placed her other hand to his cheek and pulled his face in towards her, pressing her lips towards his hungrily, and without hesitation he kissed her back, pushing her back down onto the bed. It felt like an eternity that his lips tormented hers, that his tongue memorized every inch of her mouth and her tongue knew his, but finally he broke the kiss, placing one on the corner of her lips, one on her cheek not far from that, another not far from that, and continued to just slowly set her aflame with soft tender teasing kisses down her neck, her collarbone. His lips memorized her skin, worshiped it almost. Another moan fell from her lips as her arms wrapped around his neck, holding him close to her. She felt his mouth curve in a slight smile before his lips continued, drifting from her collarbone towards her chest. He looked up at her, whiskey eyes holding her captive as his teeth settled slightly over the robe she wore, tugging it away from her ivory skin to reveal the top of her breast. She shivered again, so close to climax already and he'd barely done anything.

When he pulled it aside, completely baring her breast to his eyes, he did the same to the other side then pulled his head back, his eyes drinking in the vision of her hair splayed along the sheets, her robe already disheveled, and she saw his eyes darken with obvious want. But still he seemed so in awe of this, his hand reaching out to flick her nipple lightly. And that was all it took for him to give her the orgasm she'd been so close to. She moaned, arching her back, and heard his deep intake of breath, his breath coming in heavier harsher waves. She fell back to the bed once the sensation swept over her, panting heavily, a sweat already forming on her brow, a drop sliding down the valley between her breasts. He watched it for a moment, before bending down, licking from the edge of the robe up, taking the sweat drop with it as he tasted her.

She felt him so hard against her, sending her into more fits of panting, her sanity fleeing from the desperate need that overwhelmed her senses. She wrapped her legs around his waist, shifting herself to make him fall on top of her, pressing her lips to his, pouring her need, her relief, her joy, every bit of her she could into it, and heard the soft moan in his throat as he returned everything to her.

Sangria seemed to barely register that she was rubbing against him through their clothes, but Anders was all to aware of it. He was so taunt, so scarcely contained, but he didn't dare rush it. He could die tomorrow, he wanted to enjoy tonight with everything in him, to treasure this beautiful woman who'd come to mean so much to him. She was strong, beautiful, funny, had the same beliefs and determinations he did. He was so scared of this night, not knowing how Justice would react, but his old friend seemed to have faded into the back of his thoughts. Perhaps that was from Sangria's reactions sending him into the pits of madness and desire.

He broke the kiss again, nipping her lower lip ever so softly, flicking his tongue over it to soothe any pain he might have caused, kissed her chin, made his way down her throat back to the valley between her breasts, lapping up the sweat again before allowing his tongue to trail up her breast, swirling around her already perky nipples without quite touching them. He couldn't help but smile at the obvious groan of frustration that had her fingers sinking into his hair, digging in and pulling a little.

He teased her, feeling her body shudder and quake beneath his, her hips sporadically moving against him. When his tongue finally swirled over her nipple his eyes shifted, watching the reaction in her face. Her eyes closed tightly, her breath coming in short enough gasps he was almost worried. But he had done this many times before. It had just never meant so much to him, he'd never been so afraid for another being, other than Karl. Part of him was still screaming at him that this was wrong, that he shouldn't give in like this, but he shoved that part aside forcefully, leaving it as something for him to linger on at night when he went to bed thinking of her, of this.

Maker he'd dreamed of this since he met her, woken from the deepest recesses of sleep at the soft sounds and images his mind conjured to torment him at night. It had tormented him to keep trying to push her away, and a part of his heart had broken when she had given up. But he couldn't blame her. All he wanted to do was show her just how much she meant to him now.

Having lavished enough attention on one breast, he slid his tongue across her chest, to do a repeat performance on the other one. She tensed, and he could feel the shudder in her body as she climaxed for him again. Maker he was so hard, harder than he'd ever been even in his wildest fantasies of her, of this. But he would not let himself get over eager. He wanted to apologize for everything he had done, everything he would do; for breaking her heart, and for being unable to give her a normal life, too love her as she deserved. He had meant it with his whole heart when he'd told her this was the rule he most cherished breaking. The sensations were so much stronger than any of his quick trysts in the corner of the Circle in Ferelden had ever been.

However, desire was getting to him, and he wanted so badly to bare her flesh to him, to see all of her. Maker he'd dreamed of her so many times, he wanted to see it, treasure it, cherish it, keep it with him always. He pushed his upper half up off the bed and heard her gasp of protest at the separation between their bodies, unable to resist chuckling a little, before untying the belt that held her robe even as scarcely together as it was now. He took his time, watching her watch his hands, feeling every heartbeat pounding throughout her entire body, in rhythm with his own racing beat. He already felt so close to her, so one with her. How much better would it feel when he was truly connected to her?

Unable to wait any longer he undid the tie quickly, pushing the remaining robe off her shoulders and away from her body. She blushed, looking away, as his eyes devoured the vision. She was so much more beautiful than in his dreams, and he literally felt his breath stop, especially as his eyes came to rest on her glistening core. Her breathing was ragged but she managed to keep her voice together. "You're making me blush Anders, stop staring at me!"

He shook his head, his eyes travelling up her body again to meet her eyes. "You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are beautiful. Everything about you is so perfect. I-" No he didn't want to speak the words yet. However lost in this he got, he couldn't forget that she had loved Fenris before. He didn't want to push her. He was glad Fenris had led her to him with all his heart, but he would not say that to her. He didn't know how she'd react.

Before he could ruin the moment with darker thoughts, he leaned down to kiss her toned stomach. Her body was amazing. She was amazing. He loved her so much it hurt. His lips made a slow teasing path down her body, and soon she had resumed shaking, her head pushing back into the pillow. She was close again, and he smiled softly, treasuring it. Soon his lips met her thighs and he kissed every inch of them, lingering on the inside of them and kissing up, her moan a near squeal of frustration and need.

She smelled heavenly to him, and when he neared her, he couldn't resist. His tongue settled towards the base of her slick womanhood, a slow torturous lick sliding up her nether lips, pausing before he flicked his tongue just over her clit. Her body tensed harder and he flicked his tongue again before sliding his tongue down more, licking the inside of her as she came to another orgasm.

"A..Anders..Pl..please!"

The words were so broken he pretended to not understand them, sliding his tongue inside and out of her, feeling her hips moving along with his actions as a desperate , wordless plea fell from her lips.

"Pl..please Anders..I..I want you."

For years he'd dreamed of those words, and hearing them from her lips was more than he could bare. He rose from the bed, licking his lips, tasting her one last time before making quick work of his robes and dropping them to the ground. She had moved up the bed while he undressed, tossing her robe towards where his robes dropped. He crawled back onto the bed, his eye riveted to her face.

Sangria could still hardly believe this was real. Watching Anders crawling up her body and knowing what to expect, she nearly climaxed a fourth time from the thought alone. Her lungs weren't getting enough oxygen, her breath was so ragged and heavy, but she didn't care. If she died now she'd die happy. When he had climbed up her body, his lips pressed to hers, his kiss hungry, pouring everything he'd wanted, everything he'd dreamed into it. She felt his finger playing with her, testing her once more to be sure she was ready, and rolled her hips against him. He shuddered and gulped, hand moving to put himself just at her entrance. His erection brushed up and down her nether lips, drinking in the liquid, before finally pressing just a little into her. She cried out loud, the sound ripping from her throat almost painfully, and locked her legs around him, pulling him all the way in to her without a second thought.

He groaned loudly against her ear, and the sound brought her to her fourth climax. Anders shuddered, unconsciously biting into her collarbone to control himself from orgasming already at the feeling her tightening around him. Maker…he just…Sanity fled and he could no longer resist. His hips moved, slowly at first, tormenting them both, trying to keep himself from succumbing to pleasure so soon. She clenched around him almost unbearably tight even as the intense wetness let him slide in and out of her so easily, and before he could stop he was moving harder against her, desperate gasps and moans sounding in the room to the extent he couldn't even tell which was from who anymore. He felt her heartbeat, her legs, everything about it, and being connected to her was finally more than he could take. In what seemed like only moments he spent himself inside her, collapsing onto her, his breath coming in hard ragged breaths that couldn't seem to take enough air in. Her body was quivering beneath him from the climax she'd had with him that had sent him over the edge.

He lay there a moment, kissing her neck tenderly when her arms embraced him in a soft hug. Exhaustion tugged at him, the world fading into a gentle haze around him. He hadn't eaten much or slept much lately, having been too busy and too restless. His body was quivering; his muscles tense, feeling abused from the length in time it had been since he had done such a thing.

He mustered the strength to roll over, pulling her over with him so she was on top of him and kissing her lips softly again before resting his head in her pillows. She laughed softly at the switch and moved down his body just a little, breaking their connection to rest her head on his chest and hug him a little tighter around the waist for a moment.

It seemed she'd wiped him out, and she smiled softly when she watched his eyes close, his head sink deeper into the pillow. His breath was slowing, and she watched him until his chest rose and fell slowly, deeply. He had fallen asleep already. Her mind was racing even though her body was exhausted. She'd done it, she'd really done it. She had been with Anders finally. Her heart was singing in her chest as she shrugged Anders arms gently off of herself, getting off of him to lie next to him, simply feeling the warmth of his body for a while.

Her hand reached out to lie on his stomach, wanting to feel his skin still, and she smiled softly when he smiled in his sleep, nestling into the pillow a little deeper. She lay like that for a while, she didn't know how long, before restlessness captivated her and she had to get up. She kissed his sleeping lips lightly then watched him stir a little, hoping she hadn't woken him, before sliding off the bed to gather the clothes she wore whenever she was in her estate.

The fire was roaring and she felt the drain on her mana she hadn't even realized. Apparently their combined power and distraction had fed the room around them; the fire was an angry and powerful red for a while, though it slowly dwindled back too a softly crackling flame as the room calmed. Her mind raced between elation, guilt, pain, hope, a little of every emotion as if it couldn't decide what it wanted to settle on. She started chewing on her lip as she thought of Fenris sitting alone in that mansion that was ever so close to her. How long would it take until he found out about this?

She would tell him. She had to. She didn't want him to hear it from someone else. She had started hating herself when a voice nearly made her jump out of her skin. If not for how often she was startled in her line of work, she'd have jumped. But her mind quickly recognized Anders voice, and she focused herself on the here and now.

His smile was so tender it was almost heartbreaking, as her mind slowly registered the words she'd just watched his lips form.

"I love you."

Her heart leapt again at those words, words she herself had burned to say for such a long time.

"I've been holding back from saying that. You should have a normal life, not be tied down to a fugitive with no future. But I don't ever want to leave you."

She wanted to say the words so badly, but the guilt still nagged at her, ruining what would have been such a perfect, beautiful moment to her only minutes ago.

So instead, she went with the old awkward as hell Hawke humor. She would say it to him, she had no doubt in her mind, but right now she just couldn't bring herself to speak the words, and she felt her body and lips had betrayed them to him already.

"Want a sandwich?"

He smiled, a soft laugh escaping his lips. "You will be an inspiration to generations of romantic poets."

For a moment she was just smiling with him but then his smile faded away a little. "So…not to bring up anything unpleasant…The templars were sniffing around my place yesterday. It's possible I may need somewhere else to go…in the near future."

Her heart beat picked up again, fear and anxiety for the words she felt were coming next, but she stayed silent, waiting for him to finish.

"Would here be an option?"

Yep, she had figured that's what he was going to ask. Her mind raced, so she decided to stall for a moment until her mind calmed a little. "Are you asking to move in?"

He smiled just a little but it was a nervous smile that tugged at her heartstrings. "Well…yes. I thought you might appreciate not having to step over the drunkards in Darktown every time you want to see me."

Every time she saw a sliver of whom he must have been before he and Justice merged, she knew she couldn't do anything to change it. She smiled at him. "I want you right here, until the day we die."

Those words had sprung from her lips before she'd thought them, but as her brain processed it, she knew it was true. The only thing keeping her from saying yes right from the start was the guilt eating away at her, that she was doing this to Fenris when she saw every day how hard that decision had been for him. But she wouldn't leave him to the templars, wouldn't squander her affections into ales and drinks at the Hanged Man, and wouldn't leave a man she loved just as much to struggle. She wouldn't keep waiting for Fenris to break down. She had something real with Anders and she wouldn't let it fall apart because of scars that would never go away.

Oblivious to her thoughts Anders kept talking. "For three years, every night I have lain awake aching for you. I'm still terrified I'll wake up." He was smiling again though, so beautifully.

In moments the distance between them closed, and his lips were against hers with even more intensity than before. Before she knew it they had ended up back on the bed. Seemed she was in for a long night. She'd sleep well, that was for sure.


	7. Chapter 7

Judging by the dress on her bed, there was another party tonight. Lovely. She knew it made her mother happy…and knew that arguing was pointless. She'd tried several times to get her mom off her matchmaker riots, but to no avail. Her mother was aware she was in love with Anders, especially since he kind of lived with her, but it was too much fun for her to stop. She was hoping to restablish the Amell line in Kirkwall. Sangria wanted no part in it, and her mother probably knew it, but she also couldn't bring herself to take away one of the few things that put a smile on her mother's face these days.

With Carver in the templars, father and Bethany gone, and the fact the home she'd grown up in and was supposed to have owned all these years was owned by her daughter now, Mother had little to look forward too. She had mentioned her thoughts of remarrying, but thus far Sangria hadn't seen her Mother take an interest in anyone. Mother was beautiful for her age, young looking for it even, and Sangria had seen a few bachelors go for her. She wished her mother would focus on herself instead of dressing up Sangria and throwing her out to the wolves, but she couldn't truly begrudge her mother.

Least this year she'd have Anders to bring with her. He had made up excuse after excuse, but she won by saying he lived with her, and of course the guilt card, until he finally caved. Not to mention with mother's only slightly subtle suitors she wanted Hawke to end up with, she got Anders protective enough to want to be there and make sure none of them succeeded. She had already sent him to Varric to get shaved and Isabella was looking forward to doing something with his hair. No one would even recognize him, if they'd ever seen him to begin with. Then again, she was sure Anders had to make some money to keep his clinic running, he probably took on Hightown clients now and then.

She felt the empty echo in her heart this time around though. One of the last big parties like this, she'd coerced Fenris into being by her side. She sighed heavily, resting her hands on the bed she and Anders now shared to take slow, deep breaths. The last thing she needed was to burst into tears…again. Fenris had had a million excuses as well. They're reasons were different, Anders for fear of templars being around and Fenris for his discomfort over his markings and surrounded by people, but she'd won both of them over the same way. A touch of guilt and a few lies that even Varric would be proud of She missed him something awful. Granted, she still went over to teach him how to read every few days, but they were so guarded around each other, and she missed talking to him well into the small hours of the night. She talked to Anders at night sometimes, but most of the time he was exhausted, what with running a mage underground that he refused to let her help with or really even let her know about, healing clients all day, and still trying to be at her side on the missions she needed him for. And she usually tired him out herself.

Her mother had literally grabbed Anders and dragged him into the library near the fireplace with a rope, and taking his measurements with Bodahn in the firelight, insisting on getting him a suit. She smiled at the memory of Anders bewilderment as her mother fussed over him. It made her feel how lucky she was to have had a mother to fuss over her all her life. He had no idea what to do with it, and she took it for granted. It was part of the reason she'd stopped complaining too. Mother had so much love, she took care of all Sangria's companions whenever they stopped by, often quelling even Bodahn into accepting that she had a handle on things. That took some doing.

Mother had simply had to guess at Fenris's measurements, though the suit had somehow ended up being perfectly tailored anyway. She didn't know how Mother did it. Maybe having three kids she'd gotten used to noticing the differences in their bodies. Or maybe Isabella had helped her out. She bit her lip, her heart aching as she thought of that night with Fenris again in vivid detail. The suit had been amazing on him, a black waistcoat with a white shirt that was simple, only with a little bit of…ruffle she guessed she'd call it though there was probably a better name on the tongues of the fashion fevered, and the black dress pants had been a just looser than snug fit.

She'd seen the suit Mother had had made for Anders. She smiled at the thought of it. Dark blue waistcoat, with a soft blue shirt. The shade of blue would probably make his eyes look lighter, and he was rather pale from hiding in the depths of Darktown for the last three years, nevermind all his imprisonment years in the Circle. Dark colors would probably look great on him. She was curious what he'd look like properly shaved, and what on earth would Isabella do to his hair?

She kept thinking of Anders as she grabbed the dress off her bed and made her way towards Mother's rooms. When she got there her Mother laughed at her while she was finishing up her hair for the night. "My dear, with all these parties, I should think you could dress yourself by now!"

Sangria tossed the dress on the bed and muttered something under her breath, to the effect of "Hard to make myself purposely suffocate with how tightly you pull that thing on me." Leandra heard her, mothers always seemed to be able to hear everything regardless of how quietly you said them or how far away you were when you spoke. She put on her best grumpy face before turning herself, removing the short robe she wore in the estate and putting her arms up to allow Mother to do her thing. It wasn't long before the lung trap settled over her chest, soon doing its job by making her breath come in short gasps while she adjusted to it again. It had at least been a while since her mother had thrown a party like this, but hard to present your daughter as a lovely bachelorette when she usually had make-up running down her face and when smiles were hard to come by.

But as it tightened even more about her chest, she forgot about being depressed about Fenris again, trying to quell the panic she always felt when her air was constricted, reminding herself this was a semi-willing torment rather than an injury or enemy forced torment. Her mother left her for a moment, giving her time to regulate her breathing again, before smiling at her daughter, settling the dress in a neat pool on the floor for Sangria to step into. Normally a dress like hers would go over her head, but she was nearly a head taller than her mother, it was difficult for Leandra to pull the fabric down and easier to pull it up.

She allowed herself a small moment of pleasure at the feeling of the velvet riding up her body, brushing against her skin. She purposely never looked in a mirror while her mother dressed her though, she wanted to wait to see the whole picture before she knew what she looked like. She could visualize the deep red velvet hugging the curved the corset gave her. Not that she was particularly lacking herself, but the corset emphasized what she had. Much as she hated it she did like how it looked.

The dress was heavier than she had expected, but that was probably due to the layered peek-a-boo colored skirt that belled out, the outer layer like petals almost, a deep red, that had a slightly poofed thinner material of a reddish pink color along the edges and covering some of it, which was layering a soft cream silk triangle of fabric. She frowned slightly, it would be even more annoying to be running around in this, but at least it wasn't one of the poofed out skirt styles, it just fell heavily from her hips down. She really should consult a fashion aficionado about proper terminology, but in the end, it didn't matter to her. She knew what she was talking about and that was that.

She heard the deep intake of breath from her Mother when the dress was finally on, and turned to see her mother tearing up a little, like she had in the blue dress Sangria had worn the night with Fenris. It had had a similar skirt style, falling from her hips, but it had been pleated almost, folding here and there to form what was surprisingly a nice dress. Sangria wondered if it just seemed to happen that her mother found a dress that evoked tears from her whenever she had someone she loved or if it was planned. She wouldn't be the least bit surprised to find out Mother had specifically had dresses designed just for her when she could catch the eyes of other bachelors while the guys she cared about were around.

But she was bustled to a chair in the corner of mothers room soon as Leandra was over the teary-eyed such a pretty girl moment and didn't have a chance to come up with her mothers crazy schemes any further than that. Her hair wasn't overly long, but Mother always seemed to find a way to make it look like it was. She felt hair being pulled and tugged in all different directions, wincing a few times. It was a while before it stopped and her mother circled the chair like a vulture looking at its next meal. Her mother frowned a little and pulled some of the hair she'd just pulled back down, covering the corner of Sangria's right eye with bangs she hadn't even known she still had under there. The bangs didn't last long though, as her mother had been lightly heating a rod over the fire crackling softly in the other corner. She wrapped Sangria's bangs around it until they were little circlets she could see a little.

Then her least favorite part. The make-up. And that said a lot considering the dressing and hair annoyed her quite a bit. Her mother stared at the herbs and such that blended to create the make-up so many used these days. Sangria closed her eyes, not wanting to see what her mother chose for her. Her face was brushed poked and prodded for another while before her mother tapped her chin as a sign she should open her eyes now.

"Am I finished yet?" She was getting restless and impatient with sitting still and dealing with things beyond her control, and really hoped it was over. Leandra laughed. "When you say things like that, I almost wish I had more to do to you. I love when my daughter looks like a girl and not a bedraggled warrior. But alas, you're finished."

Sangria rose from the chair and bit her lip, before feeling the funny smelling thick stuff her mother had put on it that was probably some kind of color and releasing it again. With a deep breath she turned to look in the mirror. And saw…someone else. That couldn't possibly be her right? Mother definitely went above and beyond the nights she had someone at the parties with her. Her ice blue eyes were framed with a thin line of black, the brightness of their color standing out, and the soft brown powder that covered her eyelids added to it. Her lips were a soft reddish pink, light enough to not look awkward against her pale skin but dark enough to stand out.

Her hair was in a bun sort of style, but the bun was created by braids twined together rather than just hair pulled back like she normally wore her hair up like. The loose ringlets that framed her face actually made her smile a little.

And the dress, corset be damned, looked great on her. The cream corset was crushing her lungs still, but the upper part of the dress was rather tight fitting, consisting of criss-crossed strands, thicker versions of the golden embroidery that was artfully embedded into the deep red velvet as well as decorating the corset itself. It would be a very revealing top if not for the corset, and she had a lot more cleavage than she normally would because of it as well. The neckline was non-existant considering the dress was an off the shoulder style with slightly puffed material at the shoulder line before long sleeves that were tight on her upper arm but hanging from her lower arms ended the dress.

She ached to tell her mother she needed to stop this, that she loved Fenris…no not Fenris, she loved Anders. Maker the night was messing with her head. She had gotten so much better, but even though she looked different, the aspect of the night was so similar to the night she'd shared with Fenris she couldn't seem to get him off her mind. She had a feeling her mother knew, but Sangria just didn't have the heart to tell her mother she wasn't interested in carrying on the Amell line she felt no bond to. She was a Hawke, like her father, and like her mother had become, she didn't want to be nobility for life. But her mother had so few pleasures the words always died on her tongue before she could voice them.

"Well…hope your happy mom. Can we please have a long break between now and the next party though? My heads going to hurt from this hairstyle, there's definitely a chance of it taking months, maybe years to heal. One never knows how much damage this could do."

She felt her mother gently smack the bare skin of her shoulder even as she heard the soft laughter her mom always had when Sangria complained about having to be feminine. Sangria muttered something about her mother being evil under her breath while watching her mother head out the door. The guests were already downstairs, on her way to her mother's room she'd heard the commotion that signaled the party was starting, but Bodahn always handled the beginning so that her mother could waltz down the stairs and make noble jokes about running late to her own party and all the ladies with their wigs and heavy make up could laugh and joke about it.

Sangria found herself muttering Tevinter curse words she'd heard when she had first seen Fenris at the last party. He had been trying to hide in the crowd and muttering about what she could only assume had to do with how difficult that task was. She didn't even know what the words meant so why was she saying them? She sighed and headed out the door, making her way through the estate towards the spacious hall that served as a ballroom in her house. She wished she wasn't going to be making a grand entrance by making her way down the stairs while the party was getting started and the nobles gossiped amidst each other, but there was no other way into the ballroom from the top floor.

As she smiled politely and made her way down the stairs, her eyes were slowly moving across the people there. She needed Anders by her side already, Maker how she hated these occasions. She hoped he would be there soon, or be there already. Especially when she saw Mother talking with Seneschal Bran. Maker, why that man even bothered to show his face here she didn't know. The man oozed hatred for her, dreaded ever having to ask for her help for the good of Kirkwall, but he apparently wanted his son to have a name for himself. That or Mother was just that amazing at conversation. Maybe both. Maker knew her mother often mentioned Seneschal Bran's son. Hawke had yet to actually meet him. She had hoped it would stay that way.

But of course, her luck kept to its patterns and she saw a man about her age practically hiding behind Bran, a man who looked too much like him to not be his son. He wasn't exactly ugly but he was very painfully average. Nothing like Fenris or Anders. Fenris was obviously exotic, his white markings swirling around tanned skin, and his snowy white hair. But she didn't let herself think of him for long. Anders had the amazing rugged charm she'd always found herself attracted too. She was really hoping Anders would be there.

She tried to keep to the far side of the stairs to avoid Bran and Mother, but of course mother followed her. "Sangria darling, Seneschal Bran is here, as is his son! You haven't had the pleasure of meeting each other yet! Sangria, this is Daniel. Daniel this is my daughter Sangria whom I've told you so much about."

She politely said hello and greeted him, but in her mind she was studying his features. She remembered having seen Seneschal Bran in Anders clinic. Apparently even a man like him needed to…let loose now and then, and he seemed to be another of the STD victims Anders seemed to end up with a lot. She wondered if whatever Blooming Rose whore he'd slept with was the mother of his child, she could hardly imagine someone ever being interested in him enough to sleep with him without his coin purse.

Daniel stuttered his own greetings and she glanced over at Bran to see him shaking his head at his son's severe lack of self-confidence. However, once she continued to be polite to Daniel, he started practically rambling at her. He talked about what he was studying ,what he thought about his father, about Viscount Dumar, about her, about Mother. Seemed once he got started the boy didn't shut up. But her eyes had been moving around the entire time he talked, and when they finally caught what she wanted them too, she smiled and curtseyed to Daniel. "This has been a lovely chat but I must excuse myself. There are other guests to attend too. Enjoy the party."

Maker she hated how fake she had to be, but she had seen Anders and she wasn't about to spend another minute in that boys company. She refused to look at Mother, not wanting to see the disproval in her eyes, and made her way through the crowd. She was stopped a few times, having to say hello, before she heard her mage nearby. She hadn't really seen him, just a flash of hair and blue, but her heart had leapt at the sight and she'd just instinctively known it was him.

She turned around and saw him doing much of what Fenris had done, trying to hide in the crowd, keeping to the wall. He was…gorgeous. She found herself just staring at him. His face was completely smooth from the fuzz he usually had, least it looked it, and she wanted so badly to touch his skin and see if it was as soft as it looked from here. Looked like Isabella had decided to keep his hair simple, but it had obviously been brushed out before the front of it had been braided into a half ponytail that resembled the style he usually wore. She wondered if Isabella had chosen it or if she'd been forced to compromise with him.

However what really made her laugh was that she saw his words forming curses about the party. His phrases usually included "Andraste's tits" or "Andraste's knicker-weasels". Where he'd come up with the latter she had no idea, but she had to force herself to keep from bursting into laughter at how much he looked like Fenris, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed under his chest and muttering things under his breath while trying to keep as low a profile as possible.

She dodged the few people who stayed out of the main hustle and bustle of the center of the floor and came up on Anders side, giggling when he jumped horribly as her arms locked around his shoulders. His eyes were both afraid and angry when he felt the contact, but when he realized it wasn't him getting clapped in handcuffs and nothing else was happening, his eyes softened on her face.

However, soon as he knew it was her, his eyes widened again and he stepped back. His beautiful amber eyes, emphasized better than she'd imagined by the colors and lack of facial fuzz, trailed over her, as if soaking in her appearance. The man almost looked as if he was seeing the Maker or Andraste themselves. A similar look had been on Fenris's face when she had stood before him in her beautiful blue dress, her hair partially braided, falling in curled ringlets against her shoulders. Both of them had looked at her. She wished she'd been in the place with Fenris that she was with Anders now, she'd have appreciated the look on his face more knowing everything it meant. She almost kicked herself for how oblivious she'd been to the feelings between them beforehand.

However, Anders broke her recollections before she could tear up again, while he glared at a noble who'd bumped into him while trying to interest a young noble woman. "How you got me to this place I don't know. I've treated several of these people for diseases that just shouldn't exist. Hanging out with them was the last thing I wanted to do."

Sangria giggled and finally touched his cheek, stroking the skin lightly before turning his face all the way towards her and going on her toes a little to kiss him lightly on the lips. It was a soft kiss, and ended all too soon, but in a place like this with the appearance she had to make, she couldn't afford to be out in the open like this. She had made enough of a point by having Anders move in with her, she didn't need to add to it by outright making out with him in public. Though she had to admit to herself, she really only cared about how that would affect her mother. No one else in this place mattered to her.

"I should bring you to places like this more often then. I'm more than happy to boast that I know all their dirty little secrets. And it's all the better that you're an apostate, makes a point that I'm a mage and I support mages, and I want everyone to know. Plus, you look amazing. Though you being in these clothes makes me want to rip them off you more."

Anders chuckled, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling their faces close again for a moment. She looked up at him and, for a moment, saw the same tender look on another's face. Fenris hadn't laughed when she complimented him, hadn't even smiled really, but all the same she'd seen the reaction she needed in his eyes. Of course that had been before she knew what to call it, before she'd known she loved him, he'd just been a really close friend she enjoyed a lot and whom she constantly tried to make blush. And of course his arms hadn't been around her pulling her closer.

She was about to say to the Void with those around her, but then the band started to play a slower beat, and the hired Bard's voice, emphasized somehow she couldn't tell, broke through all the chatter. The room dissolved, many stepping back to the corners while couples settled into a slow dance in the center of the room. She looked over at Anders, stepping out of his embrace but grabbing his hand and tugging him lightly towards the dancing couples.

Anders stared at her in horror, the last thing he wanted was to be center stage, but Sangria wasn't about to waste a slow dance with Anders, or the opportunity to show off her mage lover, both for the suitors and for those who believed mages were all just hazards. Especially Daniel, she hoped Daniel would see her dancing with Anders and give up. She could not listen to his still a little too high for his age voice go on and on about things she didn't care about.

Mainly though, she just wanted to feel Anders against her, and the music sang to her body and mind. "Please?"

He must have known beforehand he was doomed to lose the fight, because with a heavy sigh he let himself be drawn onto the dance floor.

She smiled softly at him, wrapping her arms around his neck and pressing herself close against his body. It was a moment before she felt his arms lock shakily around her waist, and she saw his eyes darting around to see how many people were really paying attention. So she brought one of her hands to his face and made him focus on her, shaking her head. The rest of the world didn't matter to her right now.

Finally, though she'd had to start it before Anders took the lead that was expected of the male, they started making slow circles, his coat tails and her dress making soft noise in the motion. He was a bit clumsy at first, but seemed somewhere along his adventures he'd learned how to dance. Once he fell into the rhythm with Sangria, the world around her dissolved until it was just her and him and the music in the background. For a while they just danced, but it felt a little off to her. She had dragged Fenris off to the dance floor as well, but in his years as a slave he obviously hadn't really learned how to dance. She'd kept them off to the side while she showed him how simple slow dancing was, and even once he'd gotten it mostly down, she had to stop to get them onto the same pace again. Anders knew what he was doing even if he was nervous about doing it around all these people.

Finally having had enough of the heartache impeding on her time with Anders, she slammed her mind down on thoughts of Fenris, but her last thought of him was how much she missed him, and a prayer to the Maker that she could either make up her mind between the two or find some way to make things work with loving both of them as much as she did.

Even when she fell into bed in a tumble of man and woman desperate to get each other clothes off that night, she couldn't help but feel like some part of her was missing.


	8. Chapter 8

A crow cawed somewhere nearby, breezes ruffling black feathers as Anders just sat on the patio outside Hawke's estate. Their estate kind of. He had been pulling away from her slowly but surely while Justice told him what he had to do. He really didn't want her caught up in this, didn't want her to get caught on the tide of the eruption he was getting ready to cause. He knew he had to do it, but he wouldn't say anything. What if she tried to talk him down from it? Or worse yet, tried to help him? No, he couldn't do that to her.

Instead, his whiskey eyes looked to her slightly flushed sleeping face, smiling a little as her mouth moved, probably dreaming about telling someone off or beating something up. He stroked her cheek lightly with slightly calloused fingers from once wielding a sword to train at being an Arcane Warrior, a couple fingers gently pushing stray auburn hair behind her ear before just resting on her cheek.

"I love you Hawke. I will always love you. Whatever happens, remember that."

Her eyes shut tightly in her sleep for a moment and he almost thought he'd woken her before her face softened again, softening into a soft smile. Maker she was beautiful. His gaze shifted back to the city splayed out beneath Hawke's roof as he thought of what a night this had been.

She had come home late, drunk again and clinging to Isabella for support as their pirate friend tried keeping her upright. Her feet stumbled for purchase on the ground and she'd have fallen long ago if Isabella hadn't been there. He had run to the door when he heard them open, having been worried about where she had gone and what she was doing until this far into the night. Now he knew, and he sighed and shook his head, making his way quickly down the stairs to take Isabella's burden from her.

Isabella laughed a little and put on a playful frown. "Aww you're here, I was hoping to have my way with her. Makes me almost wish she hadn't let you move in. Unless you want to join in with us?" That question caused Sangria to burst into a fit of giggles, but Anders saw the worry towards Hawke as her eyes followed the body being shifted into Anders arms. And Isabella's mirth faded fast when her dark eyes met Anders. He looked away rather than respond, knowing what was going through Isabella's mind. It was his fault Sangria was this drunk, because he wouldn't talk to her about what he was planning, and was instead putting strain on their relationship. At least she'd gone drinking tonight instead of to that…elf.

"You and I need to talk, but get Hawke to bed first." She said, no traces of laughter in her voice. Anders sighed. A sarcastic retort nearly burst from his mouth but this he couldn't avoid, deflecting it with humor would likely just make Isabella threaten to cut his balls off again. Would still put things on a lighter note because Isabella would feel like she'd done something to help Hawke, but he knew he wouldn't get away with it, so he just nodded and picked Sangria's thin form up.

"Aww no threesome? Come on it'd be fun! Then again, I don't think Anders knows what fun is anymore, right Isabella?"

For Hawke's sake Isabella forced a laugh and smile that would pass Sangria's drunken inspection before her eyes shifted back to her mage lover and Isabella just kept staring at him, challenging him to make one wrong move.

"Maybe when you wake up tomorrow I can show you that I can still have fun." He joked for Hawke's sake, and smiled a little when she burst into giggles as he carried her up the stairs to their bed. She hiccupped as he shifted her weight to hold her in one arm to pull the covers down before laying her down gently and covering her up. She looked like she was about to say something but Anders just kissed her lightly before she could. By the time he had pulled away it seemed that she had fallen asleep already. Her face looked peaceful as she rolled over onto her side and curled up a little. He kissed her forehead then headed back out the room and down the stairs.

Isabella had wandered into the library by the time Anders entered, hands skimming through the bindings on the books she'd put in Hawke's shelves for some "light-hearted" material. "Aww she put them on the top! How will Sandal find them now? That boy needs his talks, simple or not. I could always teach him if need be."

"I think that's exactly why Hawke put them on the top shelf, imagine what Bodahn would do if he had to have the talk with Sandal at this point in their lives. Poor man would be beside himself."

The fake humor settled between both of them for a moment before Isabella sighed and made her way back down the stairs, stopping in front of the fireplace to cross her arms and look to Anders, one eyebrow raised. "What are you planning Anders?"

Well, at least she'd just come out and said it. Saved him the trouble of talking about the weather until she got down to business with him. He certainly didn't want to start up the conversation.

"I am doing something that needs to be done. Isabella, you've known me almost seven years. Would I hurt Hawke like this if I didn't have my reasons? Do you have any idea how much it kills me to not say anything, not share anything, to make her feel like I am? But some things are bigger than love."

For a moment Isabella just stared at Anders some more, and he almost thought they'd be settling into more awkward silence, before she again broke it. "Is this Justice talking or Anders?"

"Do I look like I'm glowing to you?" They both laughed a little at that before Anders got serious again. "But when I took Justice into myself, we became irrevocably one. Whatever I've done to the being that was once my friend doesn't change that it's still me. It's always been me. "

Isabella sighed and threw her hands up into the air. "Fine electricity boy, keep your secrets. I'll keep an eye on her at the Hanged Man. But, how do you feel about driving her to seek out Fenris again and again? I can't follow her everywhere, and you know as well as I drinking doesn't always solve her problems."

Anders fists clenched together as he ground his teeth together. Yes he was painfully aware that Hawke would disappear a few nights at a time to run off to the other end of Hightown to be with her other little pet. He almost wished the only thing he had to worry about was Isabella taking advantage of Hawke in a drunken state.

After Fenris had broken things off Anders thought they'd be all set, that she was his. And for a while, almost three years, she had been. While she had been teaching him to read, it hadn't been more than that, or at least Anders didn't see anything that said it had been more than that. He couldn't even hate the elf for it though, at least someone was able to do what he wished he could do. He didn't know and didn't want to know what went on behind those closed doors now.

Justice didn't spark up thankfully, but that was because he agreed with Anders take on this. Love was not important, Justice was all that mattered. Last thing he needed on his conscious was to hurt Isabella when she was just worried about their mage who could usually just laugh everything off.

Isabella just nodded when she saw his reaction, then her face spread into a smile as she walked up to Anders, breaking the distance and stepping into his personal space in that sneaky, quick, roguish way of hers. "If you ever need to take your anger out on someone, you know where I live. I'm always giving!" She winked, her return to humor letting Anders know he'd passed whatever test it was she had just set him up for.

He laughed a little then stepped back from the doorway as Isabella sashayed out. Bear jumped up at her as she made her way towards the door, and he heard her mutter something about mutts and men before she was in the entryway. A moment later he heard the door shut behind her and heard the whine from Hawke's trustee mabari that said he'd just lost the temporary object of his affections.

He let out a sigh of relief as he felt his shoulders relax, things he hadn't even realized he'd been doing relaxing a bit. Seemed he'd be keeping his balls for the time. Soon enough she'd see why he was doing what he was.

With that he headed towards the kitchen, grabbing himself a quick snack before going to check up on Hawke. She was pretty drunk, it would likely take quite a bit of his mana to keep her from feeling sick or having a headache when she woke up. He needed something to replenish the energy he'd spent at the clinic this morning.

When he got back upstairs, Hawke was still in the same position he'd left her in, looking as if she were having the beginnings of a bad dream. Seemed good a time as any to start healing her. He dusted off a crumb from his robes before making his way towards the bed. One second he'd been just about to sit down next to her sleeping form and the next he had been pulled down on top of her, feeling her lips against his in near desperation.

He was too shocked to return it at first, but when her slender arms wrapped around his neck with her always surprising strength, he tilted his head to kiss her deeper, his own arms wrapping around her tightly. Her tongue almost forced its way into his mouth before he opened his lips to make it easier for her, his own wrapping around it. For a while, they just remained like that before he felt her sag lightly in his arms. A little sound came from her mouth, one he wasn't used too. She was…crying.

'Maker preserve me…she's crying…' His Sangria was so strong, she never cried, much less when anyone was around. The last time he'd seen her cry had been after her mother.

His grip shifted to her shoulders as he pulled her away from his chest to look down at her. Tears slid down her soft cheeks but she flushed soon as his eyes found hers and her face quickly shifted down and away, as if she could hide her emotions from him. Her hands had rested on his chest to hold herself up, but he felt her fingers start digging in to his robes. Her face quickly rested on his chest and he could feel her tears through clothes.

She hated to cry, regardless of the reasons, so Anders knew he had to do something about it. He could just hold her until she cried it out but that wouldn't suffice right now. Instead, one arm slid under her legs as the other held her head and shoulders close to his chest, straightening and finding his balance with the extra weight before making his way out to the terrace with her. She stiffened in his arms for a moment, her drunken state making her sluggish in figuring out where he had taken her, but soon as she felt the cool air on her neck she pushed herself out of Anders arms. He didn't resist, settling her feet to the ground and watching as she made her way slowly to the border, hands settling onto the fencing to steady herself, knuckles white with how tightly she held on.

For a moment they just stayed there like that, and he watched as her shoulders slowly started shaking and her breath evened out. He started off leaning against the wall before sliding down to sit against it.

When she turned around, blood-shot eyes of the palest, most beautiful blue he'd ever seen had settled over his face, but she was back to being big rough tough no one can touch me Hawke.

"I know you wouldn't be like this if there wasn't a reason. I just…I just miss you. I…I want you to know that. I still love you…" As her tender words slipped through lips he desperately wanted to kiss again but didn't dare, he tensed when she looked like she might cry again.

She looked unsteady on her feet even now, so rather than get up Anders just opened his arms to signal her to come to him and watched as she settled in beside him. His arms closed around her even if her being against his side made it a little awkward, and he rested his head on hers when she settled it on his shoulder.

"I know love. One day, it will make sense. I promise. I love you too Sangria. Regardless of what happens."

"For someone who fights so hard for freedom you apparently like making me want to lock you up and hide you away from the world. If only to save you from whatever it is your planning. Devious, devious mage."

He couldn't help but chuckle a little regardless of the deeper emotions involved in tonight. "How else would I keep you on your toes love? Fighting is getting too easy for you, someone has to keep it exciting."

He looked up at the moon and stars as they shone over the city. It was getting late, and cold. He still needed to heal the hangover Sangria would have when she woke up, he didn't need to add to his workload. He slowly slid her out of his lap, settling her gently on the ground to make it easier to carry her bridal style back into the estate. Even asleep she seemed to know what was happening, and he felt her snuggle up against him as her arms settled lightly around his neck again.

Laying her in bed for the second time that night, he separated her from him only to remove her out and about clothes that she hated to wrinkle when she was conscious, removing his own as well before settling into bed beside her, wrapping his arms lightly around her.

"I promise Hawke, I will make a better world."

She just mumbled something in her sleep and pressed herself up against him closer. His last thought was to remind himself how lucky he was to have her before much needed sleep finally swept over him.


	9. Chapter 9

It was cool outside. Hawke was almost wishing she'd grabbed the coat Bodahn had suggested. She hated this time of year. Barely any sun, she was always shivering, and it made her even more depressed than she already was. Visions of her mother becoming that… that thing, haunted her even now years later. Visions of her brother leaving to become the very thing she feared most. Templars. Now she had made a name for herself that, while making herself heavily watched for what she was, kept her free. But she still hated them. She'd watched them for, Maker almost seven years now. At first she was protected by Athenril, then she tried to keep a low profile, then stopping an invasion by gigantic horned people trying to take over your city got you into people's good graces.

Didn't change the fact she'd seen what templars could do. Karl would rather die a mage than live as a tranquil. The templars took his choices away when they did that. Feynriel's mom only turned to the templars when she truly felt she had no other option. Her father had escaped the world the templars made and hidden her and Bethany from it with all his heart. She had seen Justice take over Anders at just the sight of templars, had seen him so pulled to rage by them he nearly killed one of the very girls he was fighting to save. Anders.

She bit her lip, hard. Anders was the reason she was feeling like this. She had spent more nights at the Hanged Man than she could count in just the last week. But drinking was just a temporary fix, a temporary salvation that for a while, just made her unable to think for a while. Whatever it was Anders was planning, whatever was consuming his mind and keeping him away from her more and more each day, it was eating away at her.

But she had other things to do. Fenris. She could still feel his kiss from three years ago, still feeling him against her and still hear his lyrium calling out to her mana. But he had made it clear it was over. She knew with all her heart that it was killing him, but whatever it was that held him back she wasn't going to push. Besides, with Anders, she was happy. Or could be anyway.

"No Hawke, that's enough brooding." She was going to go spend the day with a professional brooder; she'd hate to challenge his title. Her backpack held several books. One of which Isabella had hand-picked, "to really see how he's progressed." If he could read it, she'd love to see the look on his face when he read about the things Isabella read about. Maybe she could—no. She wouldn't do that to Anders or Fenris. Taking out her sucky love life on a guy already aching for leaving her, even if she wasn't exactly sure why he had left, was low even for her. But he did make her feel…calm almost. Listening to him talk, teaching him to read, hearing his stories from Seheron, made her relax for a little while.

Lately with Anders and how he was acting, she felt like at any moment the world was going to come crashing down around her regardless of how much he tried to push her away from the rockslide. She didn't know what was coming, and he wouldn't talk to her about it. She felt more an outsider in her own home now–a-days than she ever had. Sure it had been weird living in a grandiose estate, but never like this.

She could hear Bear barking from behind her door and it snapped her out of her thoughts at least. She left Anders a note for whenever he decided to return from his clinic saying she would be teaching Fenris again today. She knew it hurt him when she ran to Fenris but she didn't know what else to do with herself anymore. She was losing her mind at home, forgetting her mind at the Hanged Man, and running around thinking too much if she wasn't doing something. She felt like herself when she was with Fenris.

She pushed herself back off the wall and made her way towards the mansion she'd become so fond of. She almost felt like she should buy it off whoever actually owned it for Fenris but he wouldn't appreciate it. She'd just hate to see it taken by someone else, or worse see something bad happen to Fenris for living there. Aveline and Varric protected him as much as she did, but how far could their influence go? Maybe she should try and convince him to leave? But she knew he wouldn't until Danarius was gone.

She looked around at the people bustling about Hightown this early hour, but no one was paying attention, so she grabbed the hidden key Fenris left her and slipped in. She wondered if Fenris knew it was her by her mana or if he just had a sense…or maybe he just dared people to come in and test their luck against him. Regardless, he always seemed to know when it was her.

"Hawke."

Fenris was a master at shortened answers. Maybe that was part of the brooding contests? Don't say too much or you might not be brooding properly. Maker, she was spending way too much time with Varric at the Hanged Man. He exaggerated everything. Fenris really wasn't even that bad. She laughed softly as she made her way into his oh so humble abode.

Through the vast space, she remembered something Varric had asked Fenris. He had asked him what he did in here all day. Fenris, showing actual signs of having a sense of humor, had said he danced. For a moment, an imagine of Fenris nervously looking out his door before exploding into spins and leaps formulated in her head and she bit her lip to keep from bursting into laughing when she entered the area Fenris spent most of his time sitting in, usually staring at the fireplace.

"Well, hello to you too. You're awfully cheery today, did you put wine in your coffee again?"

Fenris did his adorable little chuckle as her own smile broke out along her face. The aggregio had run out some time ago, but she still teased Fenris about how much he'd drank it. Plus, whenever she saw some good wines in the market places, she bought it for him. These he didn't savor nearly as much, though that also meant they weren't used to decorate the bland walls of this place either.

She settled into a chair across the table from him before sliding her backpack off her shoulders and unzipping it, the books falling out in a haphazard pile. Ever since she'd found the book of Shartan in one of the random sacks around the Lowtown Alienage she'd raided, she'd been teaching him to read. He'd gone through most of her collection over the course of the years, which was also part of the reason she had brought Isabella's selection along as well.

"Let's read somewhere more comfortable though, I'm tired of sitting at this table all the time. You've gotten good enough I think you can handle relaxing a little instead of glaring menacingly at the pages until they make sense."

Fenris gave her his equivalent of rolling his eyes which was mainly just a look that made it obvious before nodding. "Very well."

She was about to help herself out of the chair, but Fenris had somehow gotten there first, extending his hand out to hold her up. She sighed a little. "I almost wish you were more like Isabella sometimes. With that phasing it'd be hilarious to look like you were helping someone up before phasing your hand and making them fall." Were it anyone else, she would have ended up on the floor with a quip like 'is that what you wanted?' but Fenris just gave her that look again and helped her to her feet, almost picking her up off them in that way of his he had of not limiting his strength.

"Where did you want to sit?"

She frowned, trying to remember the house from the time she'd been running around in it looking for Danarius when she'd first met Fenris. Since then, she usually just came into this room to talk to him, with the occasional lobby area if she was surprising him. She still almost hoped to find him dancing one of these days. It was a story she'd love to tell Varric. He'd be green with envy that she had witnessed it and he hadn't. But alas she was losing hope of that happening.

And just like that she felt better. She had been so stressed, she'd just needed to get out. Being with Fenris, having a purpose, knowing everything that was on his mind because he always spoke it, was still refreshing. He might stick to short answers but they told full stories. Even Varric almost envied him the ability to say so much in so few words. But he loved dressing up his stories in suit and ball gown too much.

"I don't care. Somewhere not wooden."

Fenris looked thoughtful a moment before he seemed to have made some decision in his mind. "This way."

When they got where they were going, Sangria knew why she'd had the feeling she'd regret leaving it up to him. He'd chosen the bedroom. Knowing him he wasn't thinking of anything, it was just the first softer place he could come up with. 'Be strong Hawke. You can do this. You're teaching him, focus on that.'

However she couldn't resist making a quip. "Oh Fenris you naughty wolf, the bed? My my. I'm surprised at you."

"We could go somewhere else if you wish."

She sighed. He was no fun sometimes. She needed to drag him out to the Hanged Man with her on her drinking nights more. Some time with her, Isabella, and Varric would be good for his sense of humor. Then again, if he hadn't fully picked up on it by now he probably never would.

"No no, this is fine."

She giggled a little and stuck out her tongue at him before making her way towards the bed, though somehow she managed to trip over the chest near the foot of it. Apparently she was more distracted by the bed than she liked. Though with her life lately, she wasn't actually sure if it was for sex or sleep she was more attracted to the bed for.

She had thought that, what with tripping and all, she'd have simply fell onto the bed, but instead strong arms had caught her before her face hit. However she'd been moving with too much momentum and it was only a moment before the bed was beneath her, only in this case, with a lyrium-marked elf on top of her.

For a moment, their eyes just met in a wild mix of emotions. She could feel his lyrium beneath her skin reacting to her mana, feeling her magic leap to life. She could hear and feel his heartbeat. Or was that hers? Hard to tell, they both seemed to be beating way to fast.

After a moment she stuck her tongue out at him. "I guess that's why you didn't deny what I said before. You were just trying to get me in bed now weren't you!"

Fenris stood up, taking a large step back from the bed. "I did not mean too. This was merely the first thought I had." But he wasn't quite looking at her anymore. Part of her loved that he still seemed to want her so badly, it was nice to know she wasn't alone. Part of her hated him for still controlling himself anyway. However, now that she was free she just slipped off her boots and climbed to the head of the bed, sitting with her back against the wall the bed was pressed up again.

"Come on, stop being broody. We've got reading to do."

She couldn't resist needling him, and she felt the look in his eyes even though her eyes were focused on the book in her hand rather than his face.

"I am not brooding."

But she'd won regardless. Sitting on the other side of the bed, Fenris extended his hand towards her, for the book he was going to be working with today. She had grabbed a couple of them, though the majority of the ones she brought with her were still at the table. Maker, she had grabbed Isabella's book hadn't she.

She pursed her lips together tightly to keep from ruining her little plan with a devilish smile. Fenris gave her an odd look but she got her face under control rather quickly and he seemed more interested in reading than finding out why she looked like she'd just eaten an entire lemon. Finally, she put the book in his hand.

He still seemed suspicious, guarded, but whether that was in relation to her look or just her presence and how it affected him, she didn't know.

She had read this particular book before. The cover didn't reveal anything. The first few chapters weren't an obvious invitation to enjoy the book more fully. She had some time before Fenris got to the raunchy parts.

For a while she just watched him, before she felt exhaustion tugging at her brain. She looked over at his face, scrunched up as he tried to focus on the words, his lips moving as he sounded them out slowly until they made sense. While struggling, he would probably be fine if she napped a little.

"Wake me if you need me."

With that she promptly fell asleep with her head against the wall

While he was grateful to have some skill he hadn't been allowed during his time with the magisters, some show of his freedom, the words on the page still gave him pause. He had to reread them a few times, sound them out, then try again. It was near maddening. But it was reassuring that if something gave him too much of a pause Hawke was there to help. He could deal with the frustration of an adult mind trying to wrap itself around something a child learned if it meant spending time with her.

The damned mage had been wearing her out. He could see the difference in her face, her whole being was different. In the moments she felt no one was looking, she looked so worried. That scared him more than anything. He had never seen her look like that. He had warned Anders not to break her heart when he found out, or rather had it rubbed in his face, that she had started spending more 'time' with the mage. He apparently hadn't taken the warning to heart. He would have to teach that mage a lesson.

However before he could set down the book to go to Hawke's estate or Darktown until he found the mage, he felt something hit him. It bumped into the arm that held the book, causing the book to slip from his grasp, then landed in his lap.

He looked down to see it was Hawke herself, deeply enough asleep in a matter of seconds to not so much as blink when she fell from her back rest and into his lap. Instead, she wrapped her arms around his leg and snuggled in. She looked…peaceful.

If she was asleep enough to miss falling, he felt he could give himself one moment of weakness. Careful about the sharp ends to the gauntlets he wore, he tenderly brushed his finger over her cheek. She was a beautiful woman, and having her like this, looking at peace with the likes of him, made him feel like more of a fool than he already did for leaving her as he had.

She mumbled something unintelligible in her sleep and scrunched her face a moment before relaxing again. Careful not to wake her, he picked up the book again and started trying to read.


	10. Chapter 10

Green eyes watched the mage as she stretched upon awakening. Silence. She looked a little confused at first, eyes of the palest blue he had ever seen opening and closing in a series of blinks, shifting around before knowledge dawned on her. Then her eyes took in what she was resting on. He felt her weight shift as she sluggishly rose from his lap and looked at him.

"Morning already? I'm almost not used to waking up without a headache. Though the unfamiliar surroundings, that part I'm used to." She laughed but Fenris had known Sangria too long to not notice the look in her eyes. It made him want to pull her close and hold her. Urges. These urges were burned into his mind since that night almost three year ago.

Her touch that night was still burned into his mind. He felt like such a fool every time he saw her, and blamed himself for where she was now. For a while, he saw her relax with the mage. It hurt him, it was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do, but he had thought it best if she didn't have to deal with him, if she hated him. Thought she'd be happier without him burdening her with his words, memories, thoughts. Those faces. Words. A life before. It had been there, all of it, in his mind. Then it had slipped through his fingers.

He looked away from her, feeling much like he had when he'd walked away from her that night. It had been too much too fast for him to handle. Even then, even with that she came to him for comfort. He had no illusions about her visits, it was as much an escape for her as it was to keep her promise to teach him. An escape. He was an escape.

He almost wished he were ignorant to how it made him feel. But he felt it in his heart, that it didn't matter what he was to her, just that she was in his life and he in hers. If his part was to be an escape so be it.

That mage. He couldn't even think of the name, or of what that man was, without feeling the urge to spit and curse in Tevinter. He knew it was in part just mages as a whole. The dark growth inside of him would never go away. But in part it was that Anders dared to leave Sangria like this. He hated to see her hurting, and hated that it was a mage hurting her even more.

He felt the lyrium light up along his skin, the familiar burn assaulting his nerve endings. He would have a word with Anders. Make him talk. Make him regret doing this to Sangria. Fenris would rather she be happy with someone else than this. If that meant living without her so be it. He felt like he'd lost his chance already in the years since that night. He wouldn't let her lose hers.

Hawke saw. He could feel her eyes boring into his, but she said nothing. He saw in her eyes she was practically begging him to not do something stupid. But that was all the more reason to do this. He couldn't bear to see her look so…broken.

He must have said it all with his eyes again and she sighed heavily, shaking her head while her fingers went to massage her temples. "I think I'm going to need a drink. Or thirty."

His fists clenched tightly, gauntlets digging into his palms as he watched her silently, seriously, gather up all her things.

"Keep that book. I'll come back soon and see how you've progressed."

That was her goodbye. She left. He wished he had a wine bottle to throw against the wall now. But soon he'd have a mage.

Not wanting her to see where he was going, he waited a while, until it had been long enough Hawke would be well on her way.

Now to find the mage. This time of day, most likely in his clinic. If not there at the estate. He felt his lips curl back and heard a snarl come from himself when he thought of the fact that mage lived with her. He was glad to finally have an excuse to break down the invisible barrier between him and Anders that kept them under their thin veneer of civility.

Rage fueled him, only the instinctual control he had trained into himself keeping the lyrium etched into his skin from glowing again in public. He moved quietly towards the estate, keeping from drawing attention to himself, phasing through the door so that he could surprise Anders if this was where that pitiful excuse for an abomination was.

For a moment, he almost felt bad when he solidified again next to the dwarf merchant and his son. They did much for Hawke. They weren't used to his…skills…yet.

"Oh, Master Fenris, you're here! Didn't think to see you. The mistress isn't here at the moment. Could I take down a message for you? I'm sure she'll be home soon. If it is urgent I can run it too her!"

"I'm here for Anders. Where is he?" His anger was scarcely confined from his voice. Bodahn looked worried a moment, like he might not say anything, and Fenris could feel his muscles tense as he felt the need to shake the information out of the dwarf. "He..he isn't here I'm afraid."

'They do not deserve your anger, do not take it out on them.' That meant he was at the clinic. His lyrium markings came to life again as he stared down at them a moment before turning and stalking out. He moved quickly, but not quickly enough to hear the deep intake of breath, followed by a long, slow exhale from the dwarf. "That elf's a scary soul indeed. I feel for him though."

In his usual way, he heard the boy, Sandal wasn't it?, "Enchantment?" before he was already out the door and solid again.

So many poor souls. Even though it was well known the templars were knocking on his door, these people found ways to keep him safe for all that he did. They warned him soon as they could. Most of the time he already knew from his secret work with the underground mage groups. But it still touched his heart.

His mana was failing as he waved his hands over another poor young boy who was deathly ill, the normally vibrant blue light a soft sky color. He could feel the mother's worried, hopeful eyes boring into his hands, could hear her muttering soft prayers under her breath as she clutched a small hand-made symbol of the Maker. And then it was done, and he stumbled backwards, held up by one of the beggars living in these slums who always aided him during his sessions.

His breath came in ragged pained gasps as he looked down at his hands, feeling the glow fading slowly into his skin. "Oh, Maker bless you Anders!" The mother picked up her son and hugged him tightly, much to the boys chagrin. He chuckled a little when he heard the boy complaining about his mother squishing him. His thoughts turned quickly to wishing he had had a mothers touch, and he felt his anger flare up. Had he not already pulled on much of Justice's reserves he'd be feeling that familiar blackness that made him forget. When Justice spoke and shone threw him. No one should be pulled from their mother like that.

He gritted his teeth, taking slow, deep breaths before he heard someone just about kick down the door. He whirled around, staff quickly in hand as he heard the refugees scatter. He shouldn't be so surprised to see who was storming through the door, lyrium markings gleaming white against tanned skin as the elf entered. When a few of the refugees looked to him to see if he needed help, he shook his head. They waited timidly a few more seconds before running. This day had been long in coming.

He felt Justice perk his head up, felt the blackness taking over him one moment, before Fenris had him by the throat against the wall. Then the world went black around him.

"Mage. Do you have any idea what you're doing to Hawke? Do you feel anything for her, or are you going to admit to being an abomination, to feeling nothing for anyone finally? You run around spewing your filth about mages and freedom, but hurt one of the few people who might actually understand." Fenris' gauntlets pressed against the mages human flesh, teeth bared in a snarl inches from Anders face.

He watched as Anders eyes closed a moment, snapping open to reveal swirling depths of lightning instead of human eyes. Abomination. He pressed against the mage's throat harder, pulling him away from the wall just to slam him back into it harder before spitting on the ground just near Anders feet.

Angry Tevinter flowed from his lips, as his green eyes bore into the swirls of lightning witnessing hatred, anger, and…pain. Pain? What did this mage know of pain? What did he even have to hurt for? He was the one doing this to her, to him. Apparently even Justice couldn't fight with his body pinned painfully to the wall and his throat being crushed slowly by clawed hands.

"Don't think you can speak of things you don't know elf." The words were nearly spat as the spirit taken man struggled futilely against his own forced paralysis

Fenris pulled Anders away from the wall again, slamming him harder and watching with sick satisfaction as the mage winced, back arching in pain before those damned lightning eyes were back on his face. That was all the mage had to say? Things Fenris didn't know? His fingers slipped off Anders throat, waiting for him to hit the ground unsteadily on his feet before tensing his right arm, fist slamming into Ander's stomach. More sick satisfaction as the mage fell to his knees before Fenris. But when he pulled back Anders hair, forcing his face up to face his own, the blue swirling light had faded and all he saw was challenge in Anders own whiskey eyes.

Going off pure impulses, Fenris leaned down and smashed his lips hard, bruisingly, against Anders own. Good that had finally gotten a damned reaction from the man. He felt the surprise, then the returned anger as the man actually kissed him back. Fenris pulled Anders away from him and stepped back, lyrium brands gleaming as he watched the blue light appear again, tossing him literally to the ground he'd spat on.

"Foul Abomination. I once said I would break you if you broke her heart, but you're not worth the effort. If you cannot do it, I will. You don't deserve to call yourself her lover." He spat the words angrily before turning on his heels and leaving.

She'd be at the Hanged Man. She would be his again, he would treat her right. That damned excuse for a man, that waste of life, didn't deserve to live, nevermind be happy, especially with hawke. Let him do whatever it was that was more important than Hawke. He barely controlled himself from shining the whole way through Darktown as he made his way back out of this foul excuse for living quarters.

Anger fueled him and he made good time back to the surface.

When he finally got to the place, he slammed open the door, ready to demand Hawke to forget about Anders, that he didn't care about her. He wasn't haunted by her touch, wasn't holding himself back for her sake.

She wasn't in the main room, which meant she was probably up in Varric or Isabella's room, drinking herself to delirium. He ignored the shocked and interested stares that followed his heavy rush up the stairs, ignored the man who froze when he made it to the top of the stairs. Varric's room was just before him and he barely kept himself from kicking the door open. No one in here. Isabella's room then.

He almost sprinted down the stairs before the sound of her voice stopped him mid movement. He froze in the air, hearing the choked words that meant she was…crying. Full out crying. With that pirate woman. He wanted to bust down the door, but perhaps he could use something she said to convince her. He clenched his fists tightly, ignoring the man who yelped and ran back towards the bar area at the sight of blood that trickled down his hands from the sharp points digging into his flesh.

The words were broken, muffled by sobs and the thick doors, but he could still hear her.

"I just wish he'd tell me what he's doing! The only reason I'm hurting so much is because I feel like he's pushing me away. Why? We've agreed on so many things, why would I disagree with this one thing? Why wouldn't I be able to help him? I love him so much…I just want to be there for him."

His anger melted away in seconds when he was about to open the door. She loved him still. Had he really thought he could force himself on her? To make her happier? It didn't matter that Anders was breaking her heart. She still wanted to be with him. The fight rushed out of him and he turned, moving quickly down the hallway even as he heard Isabella's door opening.

"Hey whos-" A pause. "Huh, guess I was hearing things. Wait is that-" He was gone, down the stairs and out the door. Hopefully Isabella hadn't seen him. Then again, if she had seen him walk away, she'd probably just make up some story and get Hawke more drunk rather than mention it. She noticed more than she let on.

Soon as he was back in the mansion he simply let himself fall on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. Would Anders tell her? Would he lose her even more now?

Despair settled over him, forcing him into a restless, nightmarish sleep. He could feel the lyrium being burned into his skin, the pain unbearable. But in his nightmares it was Hawke inflicting the pain on him.

For a moment, Anders just lay on the ground, feeling consciousness fade in and out as he coughed, lungs trying to pull in the oxygen they had been deprived of. He felt his swollen bruised lips tingling in pain with each shallow gasp. His body hurt from the force Fenris had pinned him to the wall with.

So much anger. Anders could hate everything else that elf stood for, that the elf believed, but he couldn't hate him for feeling like he did about Hawke. He felt he same way Anders did. He heard the voice in his head.

'Let him have her then. She can do as she pleases. We shall not let the Templars take any more mages, never let them drag any more children from their crying mothers arms. We shall never let the templars touch another mage like they have touched you. She is not important. We will free those who deserve it.'

Anders knew the logic. It was such a part of his own in the years he had been merged with Justice. He actually agreed to it. Though not for the same reasons. Sangria was more important to him than anyone would ever know, but he had a purpose, a purpose that transcended even his feelings for her. If she was happy with someone else, he would stand by. If she wanted that elf then he would let her. He knew he was hurting her, and he hated it, but after all the lives sacrificed, all the planning, he wouldn't give up his cause for her.

He found himself again wishing he could tell her, let her know why he was hiding it from her, let he know what he was going to do. He wanted to tell her why he needed to do it. But he wouldn't drag her into this with him. If he were to be hanged, to die for it, then so be it, but he would not let it consume her. She would not die with him, not because of him.


	11. Chapter 11

With the Chantry blown up, the city that had been her home for seven years breaking into chaos, and few of her friends left, what was Sangria Hawke's first mission? Get laid. Ok so she was selfish, but she had enough on her mind to worry about later, right now, she needed to breathe, to relax, and to love the two men she loved.

One had blown up said Chantry and erupted Kirkwall into civil war between mages and templars. Most of the mages now were gone, save herself, a blood mage friend who'd gone one way, and a raging almost abomination who had started this mess the only ones she knew of that remained. Ok so the tensions had been building for years and the likelyhood of preventing war had gotten slimmer, but Maker it didn't have to start like that and truly condemn all mages.

Anders. Of course, one of the two men she loved. And was about to try and seduce into sharing a bed with her and her other lover, whom he hated. She certainly knew how to pick them. Anders. She couldn't kill him, even though she probably should have, her feelings were too strong. She knew change had been coming, he had alluded to as much when he refused to tell her what he planned, but the Chantry? He had burst into an impassioned speech that had almost made sense afterwards that had helped her understand him a little better. Well, them technically. That was where the almost abomination came in. Justice.

Had Justice truly prevailed from the ruins in Kirkwall? Anders said he and Justice were irrevocably connected, that they were one entity instead of the two separate souls they'd once been, but if not for hearing that other voice promising change for seven years, would he have gone this far? She hoped not.

He had been avoiding her since their unlikely escape. In the end, the templars had turned against their own lyrium addled commander and aided in striking her down. The thought of Sangria being right all these years, that Meredith truly had been going too far, hadn't sank in until those final moments where the accursed idol she'd found and lost in the Deep Roads showed itself; in the sword their knight commander wielded. The lyrium had made an already driven, Sangria decided to think driven rather than crazy, woman slay innocent mages for the slight chance of blood magic, and had driven a good mage to turn to it in desperation. Shocked, and not knowing what else to do, several waves of templars stepped away from her and her unlikely band of friends, letting her run rather than slay her as they probably thought they were supposed to in such a situation.

Anger was coursing through Sangria again, so rather than dwell on the past, she returned to the task at hand. Make wild passionate love to her men for a night before letting herself think more about what had occurred only a few days ago. Her men.

Apparently, Sangria truly had a fetish for shiny things. Or men. Or shiny things on men. When Justice emerged from Anders, blue veins of lightning burst from his skin, eyes turning to lightning bolts. Then there was Fenris. Lyrium had been burned into his flesh at a young age, had wiped his memories until they had found his sister and she told him he'd competed for them to save herself and their mother. That had shocked him. He glowed to, whenever he activated the lyrium that was such a part of him now. Beautiful white veins against deeply tanned skin that could make him incorporeal at a moments notice shown on his body when rage filled his soul. Which was always.

Maker that man could brood. Varric had been right, if Tevinter had held brooding competitions there was no way Fenris could lose. But she'd probably line up to have his broody babies if she decided it was time to have a family. And by line up she meant most likely kill any other woman or man who tried to entice him until it was her turn in line, but with their current status as renegades, it probably wouldn't come to that.

At first, Sangria had thought she'd lost Fenris, that…Maker help her…that she'd have to kill him. He had sided with the templars despite all they had together when Anders and Justice blew up the Chantry in a show of what he'd do to neutral parties whose ignorance led to innocent lives being ruined. She couldn't blame Fenris really. His hatred for mages ran deep, poisoned his soul. She was a special case but they never saw eye to eye on anything and Maker that man was pig-headed. For all the things he did know, it was the things that mattered that went well over his head.

When he ran towards the Gallows, a glowing, dwindling figure surrounded by heavy plate armor, a part of her heart had gone with him, had almost made her turn and run to him, tell him she was sorry. But she couldn't leave Anders either. They'd kill him on sight for sure since she'd let him live, and his actions shouldn't condemn all mages to suffer the Right of Annulment. She had to ignore her heart for a time and stick to what she believed in.

Several templar corpses later, she'd seen him. He stopped, and for a moment they just stared at each other. "You hate slavery most of all, how can you stand by and let this happen?" She refused to play the love card and guilt him into it. If he couldn't see the Circle for what it was now in this chaos he never would.

She had made a point, and he couldn't abandon her now. "I can't believe I'm going to die for mages." She could still remember the utter hatred in his voice.

Maker she needed to stop thinking now. Time for love, not war. Though in her current scenario, getting what she wanted might as well be a war. But she already had it planned out.

She looked at the sundial gracing the bow of the ship she had snuck herself, Anders, and Fenris on. It was just after sunset. If her plan worked, by sundown she'd have her men. Her plans always worked though. Seduction had always been a skill of hers. She still wished she'd been able to keep Varric, Isabella, Merrill, Carver and Aveline with her, but that many fugitives were very likely to get caught. Or kill far too many people to have even a chance at being ignored. The others promised they'd meet up somehow, someday, but Anders and Fenris, despite their hatred for another, refused to abandon her. She was glad, she'd never been able to choose and she didn't want to now. Hopefully she'd never have too, but with Fenris and Anders she'd always be walking a very fine line, and balance had never been her strong suit. She was a bit clumsy.

Anders first. He'd be too much of a mix of emotions to be her last stop. Fenris's anger she could handle. Abyss, Fenris' anger usually led to fun things for her. But Anders, she wasn't exactly sure what to expect of him right now. She was hoping shutting him up with a kiss would work, but he could be pig-headed himself. She'd either have to distract him beyond words or end up in an argument with him over what happened with the Chantry before getting her way. And that would ruin the mood before it started. Kiss it was.

Not that she was complaining, it had been too long since she'd felt Anders lips against hers, his body over hers, felt his heartbeat as if it were her own. Now she knew why, but for the last three years, she'd been feeling as if she was losing him. As if everyone was losing him. He'd closed himself off more and more, spent more time in his Clinic than their estate, and when she tried to talk to him about anything serious, he dodged. The I Love You's and threatening to bathe anyone in blood who hurt her had faded away. If not for seeing the hurt in his eyes at doing it, she'd have thought it was her first time with Fenris all over again. Abandonment, pain, guilt. She couldn't handle that rush of emotions again. She'd known that everything she'd felt over the years was culminating, that he probably knew more about what she sensed coming than she did, but no answers.

'Maker preserve me, I need your strength now more than ever. Help me become whole again.' She still refused to go to the services, and now she was pretty glad she hadn't, but so many things had happened to her, yet she'd always had Anders, and even Fenris when he had broken it off with her still helped her. She had had friends to help heal the loss of family. Someone must be watching her. Whether it was a deity with a hot wife who had looked away from his people before her or not, she didn't care.

For a moment, she froze outside the door she knew led to the small cabin Anders had. She hadn't talked to him at all since then, despite them being on the same boat. Was it over? Was Justice too strong now for her beloved Anders to love her? Justice had never liked her much, or rather her effect on Anders. Had that influenced him? Or was it guilt? He bore so much guilt on his shoulders, and he'd just added three more ogres to it with what had happened in Kirkwall.

She heard robes and feathers rustling in hurried movement, heard angry muttering beneath his breath. Maker preserve her she heard two different voices muttering. Justice and Anders.

"I can't face her Justice. I miss her, Maker do I miss her, but after what I've just done how could she ever forgive me? Will she ever understand? I know it was necessary, but will she see it that way?" That was her lover's voice. Anders. He was avoiding her for fear of how she'd react. She nearly stepped in then, but the second voice and the blue light that shone on the wall she could see through the slight opening in the door said Justice was there.

_You did what was Just. Neutrality is only a word. Neutrality killed those people. Those who would think they could refuse both sides, who could let the templars slay those innocent mages. They deserved to die. If she cannot see that, she is not Just and she must die as well. She is against us._

Justice wanted her dead? And here she thought her prettiness and lyrium charms she'd made with stolen pieces of lyrium from the Deep Roads just for him and meant something. She was frozen against the door, afraid. Would Anders side with Justice again?

"No! No I will not hurt her! I will not let you hurt her! I would die and take you with me before I let you take her away. I will kill those that are wrong, but not her. She does not deserve death. She deserves a normal life. I tried to keep her away. For three years I tried to sway her. She does not deserve this."

With that, the blue glow that had shown on the walls vanished while Sangria's heart pounded in her chest. He had reined Justice back in, his protection of her fueling his control over Justice. Control she had seen was slipping away back in Kirkwall.

Unable to wait any longer she threw open the door and closed it behind her, leaning against it in a fit of panted breath for nearly falling flat on her face into the room in her haste. For a moment, her lover just stared at her, at first anger at an intruder, then shock at it being her…and then the heart breaking fear. Last, fear faded into steely resolve.

"Sangria, I-" For reasons other than fulfilling her own plan, she pushed off from the door and threw herself onto Anders, wrapping her arms around his before he could push her away and nearly smashing their faces together painfully as her lips sought out his. When they met, Maker he stole her breath away. She felt him fighting her arms, but with Carver as her brother she wasn't your run of the mill mage. She was physically and magically strong, and Anders had silenced Justice for the moment it seemed. She'd not seen him eat, had heard him pacing at night in his cabin at ridiculous hours of the night. He was exhausted.

Finally, his arms relaxed in hers and he returned her kiss. It was a rough kiss, especially for Anders. She hadn't felt him kiss her like this since their first kiss three years ago. Breaking. Her Anders was breaking. He was also determined. But her distraction at feeling his lips again had weakened her hold on him and his arms came up to her shoulders. She felt the push, like he wanted to push her away, felt the shake in his hands before he finally got the will to push her back.

She fought against his hands, wanting-no needing- to feel his lips against hers again. But she was at a bad angle and he'd grabbed her upper arms so that she couldn't release his hold on her.

"How can you still love me? I… I had not thought to survive the Gallows after that. I had thought-"

"You thought you'd die a martyr for change. You thought you'd done the only thing left to do. Rather than turn to blood magic when you felt backed into a corner, you turned to Justice, and he gave you an answer you could no longer resist."

Silence. Anders amber eyes searched her face, but there was no smile, no joke. She knew what had happened. She didn't agree with the action itself but she had witnessed the events as they unfolded, she could see he felt there was no other choice. She still wished he'd talked to her about it. She could have talked him down from it…or Maker preserve her more willingly helped him then simply distracting the Grand Cleric while he did whatever he had done. A drastic change was necessary for anyone to realize the mages weren't going to let themselves be backed into corners and destroyed anymore. So many innocents gone in a burst of bright red light, but the message was clear. He knew he would have to live with those lives on his shoulders now, but he had felt it was necessary.

"Sangria, I—"

"No. No Anders. I came here to remind you that I still love you. To remind you I'm still here. I didn't come here to attack you for what you did, I'm sure you've been attacking yourself enough. And I understand you did what you felt you had to. I might not agree with the means but I agree with the message. Please, just let me show you how I feel. "

For a moment those hands on her arms tensed, as if rather than let her go they were going to hold her, trap her, prevent her from doing what she felt she had to. Prevent her from taking out all her anger, her need, her love, her uncertainty on him. Then, she felt the defeat in them, felt the slight quiver that meant this was going somewhere good, and when they tensed again it was on her shoulders, pulling her right up against his chest as he devoured her mouth. She tried to pour everything she felt into that bruising, hungry kiss. She could feel all of his emotions as well. It had always been as such with him. Words never adequately expressed things for either of them, she always deflected with humor and Anders knew what that was like. But when they kissed, when their lips met in fire and love, there could be no lies, no deflections.

It was only moments after their lips had locked, their tongue beginning a frenzied tango, that she could already feel Anders straining against his robes, could feel his hands sliding up her sides, sending a shiver through her spine before settling over her breast, squeezing for only a moment before in a slight brush of his hand, pinching her now erect nipple. Maker his touch. His magic reached out to hers when they touched. He was always slow and methodical, cherishing her as if she might be gone when he next opened his eyes in each coupling. Even through the fabric, she felt a shudder move through her body as little lightning bolts shocked her skin, heard her own cry of pleasure even though it was muffled by lips still fiercely locked together.

Though he continued to send lightning bolts through her breast, his lips softened, cherishing the sensation, tongue slowing to simply explore her mouth, tracing over memorized flesh and bone. She opened her mouth more to let him, though she wasn't about to let him have all the fun. Her hand finally rose from her side to rest on his thigh, slowly, teasingly moving up his robes, rubbing them against his flesh to remind him she was getting closer to her goal. She felt a shiver run through his own body in response before her hand settled over the bulge fighting his robes. She felt it twitch and grow more in her hand, and her own physical reaction shook her as she felt the mage moan against her lips. If it were her being stroked like this, she'd have already tackled him to the bed. As it was her breasts tingled with electricity, the same electricity that was now sliding up her neck, only to shock her ear a little harder before trailing back down the way it came from. They had made love on numerous occasions but he always took her breath away.

However, unlike him she didn't have the patience for slow, especially not tonight. She needed, Maker did she need. She broke off the kiss, her hand moving from what she wanted so badly to fumble at the fabric. Maybe she should just break it off. She was tempted, burn a little trail down his robes to punish them from keeping her from his skin. However, with her little remaining sanity, she recognized they didn't have any other clothes with them. They'd left Kirkwall as soon as the templars had stepped aside and let them and had gotten Isabella to convince a friend of hers to get the three of them onto a ship. It seemed a bad time, even for her, to stop and run back to the estate saying something like 'I couldn't possibly wear the same clothes over and over! What would people say about the Champion then!'

Fear had driven her to rush away. Fear for herself, fear for her future, and fear that Anders would just leave if she didn't get him to go with her. He kept trying to do things on his own to keep her from getting involved.

She felt the mages laugh before she heard it. She was too eager, too clumsy. Maker she'd removed his clothing plenty of times before. Why was she having such a hard time now?

However, it seemed that as amused as he was he was just as eager to continue with her as she was, and undid and removed his robes for her. The second she could see his toned muscles from his time trying to be an Arcane Warrior with the Warden Commander, she pushed him back onto the cot that stood as a bed on board. It was narrow, but all she cared about was getting to that skin, feeling it beneath her, to luxuriate in the glory that was her mages body. When she pushed him, he fell back, hitting his head on the wall and wincing as the pain set in, blinking his eyes a few times.

"Are you sure you're not trying to kill me? Because falling in here would be a great cover. " Humor was in his eyes. Humor. No lightning, no anger, only pure lust, love, and humor.

Maker his humor. She had missed that. She had related to him on so many levels for his humor. It was wry and made her laugh even when she knew he was hiding something with it. He didn't often make jokes, but that not very often had gotten fewer and farther between as the years went by. To hear his laugh again was infectious. When he told stories about his time with the Warden Commander, she could imagine his wit coming out almost too much. Like hers. She would have laughed and made some sort of comment back herself normally, but this wasn't normal.

Her own robes flew off her form as she followed Anders onto the bed, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling her lips to his again. No resistance this time. His hand slid up her back to settle in her hair, lightly holding her head to keep her face against his. His other hand cupped her breast again, lovingly feeling her, exploring her body as if it was a treasure he had found.

Maker it was easy to lose herself to her desires. Her hand had reached for Anders groin again, but before she could make contact he shifted himself, using his leg to push her hand away. She broke off the kiss to glare at him, but rather than be cowed, he simply smiled at her a little.

"You told me how you felt, now I want to show you how much I still love you too." She was itching to feel him, but he didn't give her a choice to disobey. He once more met her lips in a kiss while lowering her to the bed, shifting on the narrow space to keep her on it and himself over her.

One hand braced himself, the other had never left her breast, flicking across her nipple, the little electric sparks he loved to use on her a little harder this time, causing her hips to buck up against him. He winced, not in pain but in trying to control himself as he felt her soft skin brush against his contrasting hard-on. Maker he wanted her. He felt as if he'd explode. It seemed Justice had, at least for the moment, quieted down, but he did notice that the lyrium necklace Sangria had made herself with lyrium she'd smuggled from the Deep Raods was around her neck in intricate patterns. Justice swore Lyrium had a song, and Anders had a feeling that was part of what had calmed him. His battle with what had become his other self wouldn't be over, especially where Sangria was concerned, but for the moment he enjoyed the peace in his head that came so rarely. He couldn't remember the last time he hadn't felt and heard Justice. Hadn't had his own plans finally find solutions that sometimes were more drastic than he had initially wanted.

But with Justice quiet, Anders wasn't ruining this time with Sangria to think of the spirit who had once been his friend. After successfully teasing both her nipples perky, Anders hand slid down her body, feeling her soft skin as he broke off their kiss, pecking her lips, pecking the corner of her mouth, slowly making a trail across her face to her neck. He bit gently on the tender spot she had on her neck near her ear, and smiled a little as he felt her body quake beneath him, as her soft moan fluttered from her mouth to his ears. Soothing away the bite with his tongue, he flicked it over her earlobe. He could feel her impatience rising. She rarely ever let him have his fun. She was passionate, and hated having to wait for her passions to be realized. Which made it all the more fun for him to torment her. He still kept thinking he might wake up and this would all be a dream.

"Anders." His name was a plea from her lips as she looked to him, begging to feel more than his slow sensuous tease. The hand that had been sliding down her body had settled between her thighs, and he felt her heat as he slid one finger just inside her folds, stroking across, circling her clitoris before sliding back down. "Anders!" A more desperate plea. With one more sweep and circle, he slid two fingers inside her, pushing himself up a little with his free hand to watch her. Maker she was beautiful. Braided auburn hair was frazzled and falling apart a little from all their motion, ice blue eyes closed in pleasure as her hips bucked against his fingers, wordless pleas falling from her lips.

His fingers started off slow before picking up their rhythm a bit, and he was rewarded with her hands digging into his hair, nearly pulling out his already weakened half ponytail as they clung in desperation. He laughed a little, feeling his body react as it almost painfully hardened more at the sight of her head pushing back into the pillow as he slid another finger inside her.

Using his free hand to disentangle her fingers from his hair, Anders lips fell to the valley between her breasts, pressing his lips tenderly to the skin there, before they made their way towards her nipples. They had only just started to soften again when his tongue flicked across one, instantly bringing it to life again, swirling his tongue in shapeless patterns across it until that lovely whimper of hers sounded before he shifted to treat the other with the same respect.

His head rose from her breasts to meet her eyes, which had opened as if they knew he was searching her face. "Maker, you are beautiful my love."

That seemed to snap whatever had let her play the demure partner, and she pushed herself from the bed with such force she toppled them to the other end of the bed, nearly tossing him off the narrow surface before collecting herself enough to adjust him. Her patience was gone it seemed. As soon as he was beneath her, Sangria shifted and her mouth descended upon the center of his need. It was his turn to push his head back against the pillow as her tongue swirled around the tip before closing over it. As her mouth started moving, sliding up and down, his hips followed each movement, rocking with her as she tortured him in return. Her mouth. Her mouth was sinful and perfect. He could almost agree with Justice that she was a distraction. She certainly distracted him.

Forcing his head to lift again so he could turn his face to watch her mouth work its magic as their mana crackled in the air around them, his eyes met hers and he was lost. With a few more motions, Sangria straightened herself before crawling to straddle him. Just as it seemed she was about to settle herself over him, the ship hit a particularly rough wave and she flew off the bed, hitting the floor and skidding almost into the door in the tiny room.

As Sangria rose into a sitting position she realized what she'd just been about to do. She'd almost fucked Anders and ruined the fun night she had planned of making her boys play nice together. Well not ruined, but if she tired him out and let him sate his desires at least for the moment, she wouldn't have a bargaining chip she needed to get him and Fenris together in one room. Her room. The captain had surrendered his quarters to the lovely lady at Isabella's behest before she winked, waved, and ran off to the ship she had stolen from Castillon. It was spacious, or at least almost three times the size of this little room. And already, she had candles she had infused with a bit of mana so that she could control the flames and get just the right lighting on her body she knew both of her boys would like without worry about setting the ship on fire if a wave like the one that had just slipped her onto the floor occurred again.

She burst into a small fit of giggles as she slowly rose up from the floor. Anders was about to get off the bed and go to her to see if she was alright, but she waved him off. "No no. Maker, you nearly distracted me from what I had planned for the night! Naughty mage."

She could tell from Anders expression that he was torn between confusion and worry that she'd hit her head too hard or something as she'd collided with the floor. It was true, she smarted a little, but she could take care of that quickly. Anders had taught her what he could of his healing magic, and the pain would be gone in no time.

"Meet me in my room in oh, an hour or so? This room is far too small for me to do exactly as I want with you."

Her mage lover looked at her agast. She could imagine the thoughts in his head. 'Is she serious? Is she really going to walk out and leave me like this?' Mmmm it was tempting to stick around and make both of them happy, but she needed tonight, needed the make the two of them realize they both loved her and they'd have to deal with it, she needed both of her lovers to give her a night of reprieve from the nightmares that had plagued her sleep, worse since Kirkwall than usual. To give her pleasant dreams to distract herself with.

She winked, and stuck her tongue out at him as she quickly put her robe back on. When he rose from the bed she giggled and danced out of reach, out the door before he could get to her. "In an hour love. I promise we'll finish this then."

As she shut the door she could imagine Anders falling back on the cot, staring at the ceiling and wondering what he'd gotten himself in to.

He had no idea.

With a devilish laugh she went for part two of her plans for the night. Fenris. He would probably tempt her even more than Anders with his roughness and passion. She steeled herself to not get lost in him before all her preparations went to waste. She knew Anders would come. Now to convince Fenris. Mmmm she did love convincing her boys.

Though for different reasons, she hadn't had much time with Fenris since boarding the ship either. The captain had left Kirkwall in haste, while his crew hadn't fully gathered. One look at Fenris and he had started telling him what to do. Normally, Fenris would have rebelled against anyone giving him orders, but it seemed even he knew when to stop. So with an angry face, he had gone about helping the small crew keep the ship going. Haste had left some preparations undone, and it had been a while before they had the ship fully under control in the rampant sea.

At first, Sangria had focused on getting them all to safety as well, directing the winds around her to the full sails, pulling them from the shore as soon as she could. Anders had just about vanished soon as they got on the ship, and once she had a chance to think, she had started worrying about him having thrown himself overboard or something before she'd walked by the room he had apparently been given and heard him.

Then, she'd tried to help with some of the deck work, but strong for a mage didn't equal strong for a sailor, and she'd been more in the way than useful. So she'd just had to stand by idly while Anders sulked and Fenris found some purpose. She had shifted between doing some sulking of her own and admiring the sea.

She had left Lothering with a heavy heart, with more weight on her shoulders than she ever thought she'd be able to life and no idea what to expect. The sea was just a mocking world of blue that emphasized the emptiness she felt leaving the world she'd known for 20 years. But she had her brother and mother and Aveline to worry about. That had been her first time on the seas. Then she had been on a boat back and forth from the Gallows, focused on making money or fighting for what she felt was right instead of where she was.

Now though, now she could smell the salty air, taste the freedom of open waters with no one else around. Now she was just glad to be getting herself out of a bad situation, even if it was into the unknown again. She had the two men she loved and while she wasn't with her friends, she trusted they were safe. She felt like she was close enough to them she'd just know if something happened. All of them would have a rough time now, trying to rebuild a life and escape the old one. She was still worried about her future, but she also felt free. There was a lot to run from, but there was also a lot to look forward too.

She tiptoed across the boat, making her way to Fenris' room, but soon as she was outside it she froze, much like she had before Anders door. Not that she had Justice to worry about, but because she hadn't spoken to him much. She knew what to expect, he'd yell at her for everything for a while

Pacing, pacing. Damn it why was he always pacing? Forcing himself to stop, Fenris lifted his hands, eyes shifting to them. This sickness. This sickness, this poison, was eating away at him. He was angry, so angry, at himself for abandoning her at first, at her for putting him in such a position, at her for being who she was, at Danarius for making all this bother him, for infecting him with this disease.

Where was she now? "Sangria." Her name was soft on his lips as his eyes shifted to the ceiling.

She was everything he hated. A mage, which meant she had power. Power over him, power over others. She owned an estate in the rotting world they had left behind. She had influence. Damn it she was even the Champion of Kirkwall. The poison made him want to hate her, and often he took out all his anger on her. And Maker, she took it. Every time. She just sat there, waiting for him to talk out his emotions, to go through his cycles.

So where was she now. He was selfish, planning on yelling at her for siding with the same beliefs he'd watch her stick to through seven years. He was angry at her for sparing that…that thing, that had destroyed the Chantry. More than ever he was angry at himself for leaving her after their first time together; it had driven her to find solace in the only other one left he directed his anger at. Anders. The chantry had never meant anything to him; they hadn't stepped in to save him from Danarius, going there didn't make a cure for his torment any more visible. The Maker had never held any answers for him.

No, the Chantry hadn't been what had mattered. But he saw it as his best chance to watch the mages suffer. A chance for the world to see that mages were a taint that shouldn't be allowed on the world. But she'd let that man live. Damn it all though, he couldn't blame her. For a moment, just a moment, as Anders tried to explain why he had done it, Fenris could see himself in Anders. It had passed just as quickly as it had come, but it had been there. And damn her for that too.

He felt selfish, even though he didn't deserve her. He wanted to go yell at her for every injustice ever committed to him. Because at the end of it, she'd still love him. She'd take it all, sometimes her own anger rivaling his, but she would still love him. And he would still love her. She was everything he hated, but she was also strong. She understood him even if she didn't agree with him. She had never wanted the power she had gotten, she had only wanted her family, and to keep them safe. He had watched her from afar as the pain of losing her family had sought to overwhelm her. No magister would ever care that deeply for anyone. He loved her because he could recognize his own sickness in her. She was a good woman, worthy of respect. She had earned her place rather than taken it. He started grinding his teeth together before deciding he'd go see her. He was torn between wanting to apologize to her for everything, or taking out his frustrations on her.

However, he didn't get the chance to make a choice. How hadn't he heard her? Sangria was standing before him now. Her hair was a little disheveled, and wrinkles from the salty air creased her once proud Champion robe, but it was her. Ice blue eyes that sometimes chilled him to the bone for their power over him settled over his face. She made no move, waiting to see what he would do.

He opened his mouth to start yelling, but found he'd lost the words. She had already affected him, he knew she wasn't at fault for his anger and he couldn't yell at her. He tried to open his mouth again, but rather than yell at her he stepped angrily towards her and pulled her against him, tilting her head so that he could claim her lips in an almost brutal kiss. He was selfish, so selfish for doing this to her, but she just kissed him back with the same passion he was kissing her with. He backed her against the wall of the little cabin room, slamming her into it hard enough to rattle himself a little, but all that got from her was a soft moan rather than a wince or anything to show it hurt. For a while, he let himself be selfish, devoured her mouth as his hands dug almost painfully into her shoulders.

Then, he simply stopped, pulling back and resting his head against the wall beside her as his arms fell to his sides. "Hawke. I am sorry. I-"

He didn't get to finish because she had forced his face to meet hers, and looking at her he lost sight of anything other than her. For years, years, she had consumed his mind, especially when he had broken it off with her in his own stupid fear. Her touch burned into his mind almost as strongly as the lyrium melded with his flesh.

"Fenris, I understand. I know that it's a sickness and nothing I do can change everything for you right away. So stop apologizing. If you need to yell, then yell at me. I'll yell back more than likely, but I'll still understand. I know we don't agree on a lot. But I still love you Fenris. And nothing will change that."

At her words, all his built up anger at everything just…faded. It would be back, he knew the taint had run in him for far too long, but right now all that mattered was her. And he had to tell her, had to show her. But words had never been his strong suit. He only knew how to be simple and to the point, but there was nothing simple about this.

For a moment he tried in vain to find the words anyway, but nothing he could think of would suffice, so instead he pulled his head from the wall and leaned in, claiming her lips once more but with a gentle touch. He could feel the surprise in her body at the action before she sighed into the kiss and wrapped her arms around his neck, keeping him close.

This kiss, kissing Fenris like this was nearly unbearable. With Anders, their emotions had always come up like this. It was the only sure way they could express everything they felt. But with Fenris it was usually angry. Not that he was always angry, but he was normally passionate. Strength was in his blood, a warriors blood. And it came out in everything he did. In his voice, in his appearance, in his fighting, in his seduction. When anger wasn't behind it he was still usually a little rough with her, as if he didn't truly know his own strength or just didn't know how to limit it. But this. He was…thanking her. He wasn't one for a simple I love you. As a matter of fact, she wasn't sure if he had ever voiced it. However, he voiced it now with his kiss and she was helpess to do anything but return everything she felt for him, to wrap her arms around his neck and feel him close to her.

Already she could feel him going rigid, their position pressing him between her thighs, and she took advantage of it, opening her legs a little to rub herself against him. She felt his intake of breath as he hesitated in kissing her, and her eyes opened to focus on his. They were shut tightly as if he were fighting himself and the growing desire. A broad grin broke out over her face, though he couldn't see it. He was really trying to keep it slow between them, make love to her rather than their usual, but she loved everything about him, especially his passion.

"Fenris, fighting his own instincts? Now this, this is a real treat." She whispered against his ear, her voice low enough to gain the shiver she had wanted to feel through his body even as his eyes snapped open to glare at her a little. Again, he opened his mouth but she shot a glare back at him and put her hand over it before he could say anything. "Shut up."

His eyes widened as she struck the memory she'd been wanting to bring up, of their first time together when he had asked her to tell him to leave because he was afraid she couldn't feel for him the same driving need and obsessive thoughts he felt for her. Before he could remember the tragic ending to that nights affair, she pushed him back a step, giving her body free movement again before throwing her lips against his, wrapping both legs around his waist, knowing he would hold her regardless of where his mind was at the time. When his arms wrapped around her to hold her against him, she rubbed herself along his rigid phallus again, and heard the deep rumble that was Fenris moaning.

She nearly hated herself for loving how much she affected him, but his being a slave didn't change the fact that love made you vulnerable regardless of who you were. If she didn't have this effect on him, she'd be worried. Besides, it wasn't as if he couldn't do the same to her. He could drive her mad in a million different ways. She just tried not to let him on to that very much.

She felt him harden more as he kissed her back, the usual passion now wiping his thoughts of trying to be gentle with her again. Not that she didn't appreciate it but his emotions were what she loved him for, she had never wanted to change him. In seconds, she was moaning low in her throat, her body quaking with her loosed need.

She felt him turn with her still clinging to him, felt the cot against her back as he lay her down gently, mouth still driving sanity from her mind as his tongue snaked in to take over her mouth like a hungry wolf. Danarius little wolf. For a moment, she wondered what Danarius would think of hearing her call out his little wolf's name in the throes of passion. She doubted he'd like that too much. But he was dead, very dead, so it didn't matter anyway.

Soon as her head hit the pillow Fenris mouth moved to her neck, tongue sliding down her sensitive skin, nose nudging the clothing out of the way of the juncture where her neck and shoulder met before swirling a wet spiral around it. Then she felt his teeth, and Maker she moaned, hips rubbing her against him even though her legs were still locked around his waist. He felt so good pressed up against her wet center, she felt her body spiraling out of control already.

He held on to her skin for a while before laving his tongue over the teeth marks, soothing away the edge of the soreness she felt before kissing as much of her skin as he could while moving towards her breasts. Impatient as she often was, his hands pushed under her, undoing the back clasps of her robe quickly before pulling the top half of it down over her, running the material over her sensitive breasts as he pushed it down to her stomach. Her arms were rather efficiently pinned to her sides, the clothing tight around them even though her breasts were now exposed.

He wasted no time in reaching her nipples, and they responded immediately when his teeth ground the oh so sensitive flesh hard enough to make her tingle but gentle enough there wasn't too much pain. Least not any sort of unpleasant kind. When he had sufficiently perked it, he swirled his tongue around it before repeating the same ministrations to her other nipple, and her body rewarded him with another buck of her hips. Maker he got harder still. He growled, literally growled, and his eyes were shut tightly in pleasure again before he shoved her robes down further, quickly removing them and tossing them aside. In moments, his fingers slid into her folds and she lifted and banged her head against the pillow in response as he started off at a rather quick pace already while his mouth descended her body towards his fingers. He licked her navel before lowering his tongue still more, flicking it along her already over sensitized bud. That undid her, and she pushed her head harder into the pillow and ground her teeth together as climax rode over her in waves. She was already heightened from seducing Anders and she couldn't hold back. But he wasn't about to let her stop, not her Fenris. His fingers moved harder against her and his tongue kept teasing her to the point she was almost in pain from being so sensitive. She turned her head to bite into the pillow, trying desperately to not scream and wake anyone up. Last thing she needed was someone walking in on this.

When she felt almost as if she were about to climax again, Fenris slid his fingers out, bringing them to his mouth to lick the fluids off his fingers before lowering himself down to kiss her again. From her one night stand with Isabella one drunken night, she had tasted a female before, but to know it was her juices she tasted on her Fenris's tongue was turning on her overly perverted side. She moaned against his mouth again as she heard him fumbling with his pants a moment, then heard them fall to the floor probably somewhere near her robe. He broke the kiss to remove his shirt, but when he went to kiss her again he groaned aloud when he saw the amused sparkle in her eye.

He was so hard he felt as if he was about to burst, but he knew that look. She turned her head from him and pressed her hands to his chest, trying to push him off of her. He could easily fight her push, while for a mage she was pretty strong, he was much stronger. But he knew nothing he said or did would make her change her mind when she got that look. Damn it all.

And he was right. "Now it's my turn, my little wolf." Damn it she knew how to push his buttons too. He felt his anger rise up and ground his teeth together in an attempt to remind himself this was Sangria, not Danarius. He hadn't even realized she had rolled them so that she was on top of his now naked body. "Minx." He said simply, looking down to glare at her. However, she was already working on making it up to him. With a well spaced trail of kisses, she had already reached where she had wanted to be, and with one slow torturous swirl of her tongue, took him into her mouth. One hand dug into the side of the bed as one dug into the wall the cot was stuck against, but even that didn't keep his head from rolling back against the pillow when her mouth descended his maddeningly hard phallus. He gritted his teeth and shut his eyes as tightly as he could as her mouth drove the sanity from his mind. His anger fell away into helpless passion, and his hips thrust hard against her mouth. He heard her choke a moment before she brought her hands to his hips, holding him down. He was strong enough it didn't do much, but it did enough she took most of him in her mouth and pressed her lips tightly around him without having to worry about choking. He could feel his eyes rolling into the back of his head before it suddenly stopped.

His eyes flew open to see her smirking devilishly as she dove for her robes, rolling along the ground in time with a wave that rocked Fenris nearly off the cot had he not been holding on so tightly. "What the hell are you doing Hawke?"

All that his angry question through gritted teeth seemed to do was make her smirk all the move evil. "What does it look like I'm doing? Im getting dressed."

For a moment his anger fell away into deep shock before he growled at her and rose from the cot, but the wave had thrown him off balance a little while she'd moved with it and she was already behind the door nearly closing it on her. He stalked towards the door but all that made her do was laugh more and pull it a little more closed.

"Come to my room later. We can finish this then. It soooo stuffy in here!" And with an evil cackle she shut the door. He meant to throw it open but instead he got shocked. The feeling faded away in a moment but her footsteps were already long gone when he threw open the door as if to chase after her. All he saw was a few strands of frazzled auburn hair disappear into the captains quarters nearby.

He slammed the door behind him hard as he started pacing again in the little room. She was doing something, planning something. What the hell was she planning?

Sangria Hawke burst into joyous laughter as soon as the captains door closed behind her. Her plan had worked. She just knew they'd both be here soon. She allowed herself a moments victory, grabbing her sides and sliding down the door in a fit of devious laughter before forcing herself under control. Time to prepare for both of them . This would be a fun night. She was looking forward too it. They'd both be so angry with her, but she was sure she could make it work. Somehow. With that, she slid her robes off again, laying them on a chair in the corner of the room before making her way to the shelf of things she had managed to gather for tonight.

Tonight was her night, and she wasn't going to let anything, or anyone, ruin it.


	12. Chapter 12

A particularly rough wave served as Sangria's wake-up call the next morning. Even in the larger captain's bed, two of the three bodies on the bed smashed into each other and the other fell off it. Fenris leapt to his feet soon as he hit the ground, stabilizing himself, while Sangria rubbed the bump she'd just gotten on her head from hitting Anders's. He was still trying to wake up and really only wrinkled his nose as a form of wince as he sleepily opened his eyes.

Now that she was awake, she could feel every ache in her body. Least these aches were for a good reason. A very good reason. She couldn't help but smile as she languidly stretched out, trying to work out at least a couple of the aches. It only served to deepen the ache, but she wasn't about to let a little pain get her down.

She looked at Fenris as he shot a glare in Anders direction before his hands finally found his own clothes. She mentally patted herself on the back for a job well done. A fun night and a wonderful wake up, smooshed between her two favorite men in the world. She looked at Anders who shot Fenris a glare right back.

"Mage."

"Elf."

Sangria took a moment to appreciate Anders. All it seemed he held against Fenris was his race rather than his past. She could only imagine what would happen if Anders called Fenris a slave. It probably wouldn't end well.

Anders sat up, putting his hands on his back to stretch it out a little. He glanced to Sangria before smirking at Fenris and throwing his arms around her and kissing her full on the lips. She blinked, her eyes shifting to Fenris who's face shifted in a way that, for a moment, she thought she'd become a human tug-of-war toy. But he just turned his head away angrily after watching a moment, not even bothering to curse in Tevinter before finally finishing settling his armor over himself. Sangria shoved Anders away and shot him a look of her own, but all he did was smirk a little more for a moment, if a bit more mischievously then evilly like he had just looked at Fenris.

She lay back and stare at the ceiling as the thin mattress shifted with Anders weight. A moment later she heard the material of his robes. There went her hopes for naked cuddling for a little. But she definitely thought she'd pushed her luck with the threesome they'd had the night before, never mind asking them to stay with her for the night. They either didn't hate each other nearly as much as they sounded like they did or really felt like they owed her a lot. Somehow, she had a feeling it was a mix of both. She had a feeling that if problems with mages and templars didn't exist, they would be pretty good friends.

She lay there a moment longer then sighed and sat up again, crossing her legs and arms then looked back and forth between both of them. Her night of freedom was over, time to get back to business. However before she could figure out what to do about Fenris and Anders, she needed to just talk to Anders. She hadn't had a chance, but now that she wasn't distracted, bright red light and the horrible horrible sound of lives being lost, innocent lives, was heavy on her mind again. An explosion that ended everything she'd worked seven years for.

She looked over to Fenris who was arranging his sword against his back. As if he felt her eyes on him he looked back at her, his eyes a mix of emotions, though his face had an angry set. She glanced at Anders who'd started hopping around trying to get his boots on while waves rocked the ship and shook her head at him before rising from the bed and walking over to Fenris. His body tensed as if readying for something horrible, but all she did was settle her arms around his waist. She felt Anders eyes on her and smirked a little, going on her toes to kiss Fenris much like Anders had kissed her. She felt the slight grin on his lips when his body relaxed again and his arms wrapped around her as he kissed her back. Anders started grumbling beneath his breath behind them. Now that she'd made her point it was really time to get down to business.

She pulled away from Fenris just enough to look up at his face. "You should go see if the Captain needs you for something. His crews short, as you know, he more than likely needs you. "

Fenris's grin fell away quickly at that and he snarled as he looked at Anders and pulled Sangria in close. "I'll not leave you with that abomination."

Sangria winced when her face was pressed against his breastplate, but her hands shifted from wrapping around him to rest on his stomach, pushing at him. He was much stronger than her but hopefully he knew her well enough to know she could handle herself. Whether that was the reason or not Fenris stepped back as her body had asked him too and his eyes met hers, searching them. Probably to see if she was just being stupid or serious.

She stared right back at him until he, with a curse, pushed her back a little and turned, storming out the door. She sighed heavily at his retreating back and shook her head. "Warriors. They really can't take losing, especially to me. I used to get that reaction from Carver all the time. I guess I'm just talented. Maybe I should just glare at the templars until they go away, would save me a whole hell of trouble."

Her voice was light with the memory of all the times her brother had stormed off when they argued and she won, but the smile on her face didn't reach her eyes. She took a deep breath then turned to face Anders. He knew what was coming, she could see it in his eyes, but she felt the need to emphasize anyway. "We need to talk."

He looked away, his face tensing a little and he pressed his teeth together tightly. "Look I know what you're going to-"

"Don't you dare pretend you know what's on my mind right now Anders."

The anger in her voice surprised even her, and Anders looked back at her, his face a little afraid now more than focused. Bad things happened when she got mad. Even now she felt a fireball spell itching to be formed and released, but her control had gotten much better in the seven years and she closed her eyes a moment, taking a slow, deep breath, then opening her eyes as anger faded into strong resolve.

"Look, arguing with you is pointless, and nothing I say will bring back all those people. Innocent people. Probably mages and templars alike. That explosion ended the life I've known for seven years, and has led me to be on a ship running away from my own friends and family. I'm furious at how much it effected."

He looked like he was about to say something but she shot him a look and he closed his mouth tightly again.

"But I also understand why you felt you needed to do that. No matter how much I tried to keep a balance, how much the Grand Cleric tried to keep a balance, tensions were rising. Keeping them hidden behind thin veneers of civility doesn't change the fact it was only a slow death sentence rather than a solution. Nothing will change the mind of those who fear us. I know that I have done many things, good and bad, and I know some people will only see one side of that at a time. I don't like it, all I can hear is that explosion, and my mind has been tormenting me with the voices of those lost. But I'm not looking to change your mind or steer you from your course. All I want to know is what's the next step."

Anders stared at her, just stared, his jaw dropping. He obviously hadn't expected her to react as she had, and even she was surprised by how calm she was keeping herself, even if it was a fragile calm spurred on by sheer determination rather than any real feelings of it. Yelling at him would serve no purpose. And she couldn't say she didn't believe in his cause.

It was a long while where the too just stood like that before too much being stared at sparked Sangria's sense of humor. "I know the wind-blown tired look is totally gorgeous on me, but seems like a better time to speak than stare, doesn't it?" Her lips quirked up just slightly and Anders' face lightened up in seconds, as a soft low chuckle slid from his lips.

"You're beautiful all the time Sangria, wind-blown or not." He smiled softly at her when he said that, but once it was said, he was serious again. "I told you we'd be on the run. I'm not giving up my fight, Justice wouldn't stand for it, nor would I. I don't want you to be dragged down with me though. Are you sure you want to fight with me?"

He gave her a knowing look as his eyes slid towards the door Fenris had stormed out of only minutes before. Sangria followed his eyes and felt her heart grow heavy. If she stayed with Anders, more than likely she'd ruin her already fragile relationship with Fenris. But Fenris knew how she felt, was probably expecting her to do this as well. She wouldn't make him go with them, but she couldn't give up on something that meant so much to her.

"Yes. I want to live in a world where children, mages, can live without fear of templars, where parents can watch their kids play with fire and not feel gut-wrenching fear that someone will whisper their secret. My family means the world to me…meant the world to me…and I never want to watch another child pulled away from that. If he can't follow, then I understand. I know why he feels how he does and I respect that. I love him for it. I can't blame him. I won't. But I won't give up on a cause I believe in, I'd never be able to live with myself if I just stood by and did nothing."

Her fists clenched together and she felt the slight tickle of tears, but she dug her nails into her palms until the feeling faded into naught but a dull ache. She couldn't look at Anders when his face lit up, he had already made her sacrifice so much, and was going to make her sacrifice so much more, but she wouldn't leave him to do this on his own.

She closed her eyes tightly when she felt his arms around her, grabbing her tightly enough to pick her up off her feet. She didn't return the embrace, darker emotions ruining what was obviously a happy moment for him. "We will make a world for our children, for all children, where no one will be pulled away for naught but their Maker given gifts. There is a reason we have the power we do, and it's not so we can be locked away. We're just like anyone else."

Anders felt the tension in her body, and was keenly aware she hadn't returned his embrace, but hearing her say she'd stay with him, help him, it was like nothing he could ever have imagined. He had dreamed it, but never in his life would he have thought she would stay with him for this. He had assumed he would die for what he had done, likely at her hand. He almost regretted not telling her beforehand, but he still thought he'd done the right thing. What if she had stopped him? Now it was done, she had no choice…but if she could have avoided it would she have?

He would feel empty and alone without her, but if he wouldn't force her into this, nor would he abandon it for her. He knew he was asking a lot of her. Especially with the risk to Fenris. Knowing was one thing. She screamed it when she was with him, both of them did. He knew she loved Fenris as well as himself…but Maker to hear her say it made him feel almost ill. She had said she loved Fenris. He found solace, and a bit of sick satisfaction at the fact that regardless of that, she loved him and his cause as well, and wouldn't abandon them.

When his moment of bliss ended he finally set her down and looked down at her. She looked like she was fighting back emotions. He knew that look, had seen it when she had come running to him after Fenris had broken up with her the first time. He hadn't known what had happened the first time, had simply held her, but now he was the cause of her pain, and holding her would do nothing for either of them. She'd likely just shove him away. But Maker the urge to just hug her and say everything would be alright, even if it was a lie, was so strong.

Everything wouldn't be alright. He had knowingly started a war, a war he would spread through Thedas. There was no other way to free the mages. But a next step…he wasn't exactly sure. He hadn't planned past blowing up the Chantry. He had assumed he would be killed, trampled over, anything but being allowed to live and fight for the mages.

He could talk to Alistair and Elissa, the King and Queen of Fereldan, see if he could convince them to help him. Elissa and him were old friends, she had been one of the main reasons he'd returned to the Grey Wardens for a while after the Circle of Fereldan asked him to teach. But could Fereldan afford to outwardly support war? He had been there when Alistair had talked to Sangria about how tensions were rising with Orlais. They already had war knocking on their door. He had to at least try. But perhaps that shouldn't be his first stop, he needed to see what Orlais would do to know how to approach the couple.

Tevinter was such a round-a-bout from everything he knew. They also knew magics he didn't. Perhaps he could learn something useful, something that could help him. But Tevinter was hardly an example of proper mage practices. They all turned to blood magic, abused the gifts the Maker gave them, enslaved human beings. Tevinter was part of the reason so many feared having mages outside the Circle. But that might make it the perfect place to go. If he could prove he wasn't trying to put mages in power, maybe he could win a few people over. But what was he going to do, try and wipe out every blood mage in Tevinter? That was an impossible task.

He sighed heavily. "I don't know what the next step is, but we have to make it fast. We've started something, if we let it go too long it could make things even worse than they already are."

"You started something. The guilt is on your shoulders, that's one blame I won't take from you. I'm with you, I love you Anders, but I will not share that with you. People will already think I was working with you for it, I don't need you making it worse."

Yes, he would have to live knowing all those lives had been lost. He still woke in cold sweats from the explosion when his unconscious mind taunted him, but he knew it was necessary, that he had to take the neutrality that was worse than those outright against the mages, and break it, make people choose. If he was going down, he was going down fighting for what was right. Vision blurred for a moment, and blue gleamed over his body. Justice demanded that those that did nothing were as guilty, if not more so, then those who outright spoke against it.

Sangria didn't have the patience for Justice right now. She was close to tears, again, out of fear and loss, and confusion. A million emotions were going through her head, hope, love, loss, freedom. Before she knew it her hand had made contact with Anders face. She slapped him. The look of utter shock on his face, in eyes changing from flashing blue lightning to beautiful whiskey, was mirrored on her own face.

Anders hand came up to his cheek, resting against the red mark left behind. "I…I'm sorry." Sangria couldn't be around him right now, and she turned and fled from the room, not thinking of where she was going, just running.

When she came to a stop it was with her hands clutching the side of the boat, knuckles white, breath coming in labored gasps. She probably would have kept running, but the bow of their ship had stopped her, barely keeping her from stumbling over and into the ocean. She wanted to run, scream, anything to just let out the rush of emotions she was feeling right now.

Before she knew it her hands were out and flames formed out of no where in the sky, forming together into a huge ball of flame. When it built, every colored flame flickering and moving in the almost perfect orbs he had created, she gritted her teeth and shoved with her hands. The orb of flame shot up into the sky before exploding into smaller flames, which harmlessly fell to the water beneath.

With that, she turned her back on the ocean and fell into a sitting position, leaning her head back against the ship's wall, and closed her eyes.

"I will make a better world, for everyone. I must win this, else everything, all the lives already lost and that will be lost, will be for nothing. Maker, help me, please."


	13. Chapter 13

Laughter rang through the air, little feet crunching down on the leaves this time of year. Reds, golds, oranges and even some purples flew up into the air, falling down on top of three little heads, one golden, one auburn and one with silvery white hair. The golden hair was in a braided half ponytail, little flowers braided into it as a few scattered locks fell down a chubby little girl's face, complimenting big, ice blue eyes.

The little auburns hair was down to the little boy's shoulders, blowing with the autumn breezes, whiskey eyes looking to the little girl. It was the beginning of every love story. Two little ones, always fighting yet still together all the time, best friends.

And the youngest, a little silvery white haired girl looked on, angry but for no known reason. The ball they had been playing with before had fallen to the floor as the three of them pushed the leaves back together into a pile, if only to jump into them again.

The older woman watching the three of them felt her face crinkling into a smile. The scene reminded her of a life she had lived long ago. Two young mages and a warrior. Her little girl was just starting to show signs of wielding her Mother's gifts, though she specialized in her father's field. Maker, she looked so much like her father. The same hair, the same smile. The same intensity in her eyes, the same tenderness for those she felt in a worse place than she, love for those she could help, and passion for those she couldn't. So young yet she already saw the flaws to the world around her.

Her mage. She could still see her parents faces when she had shown her first signs of magic. Fear. Fear she'd be dragged away. Fear of her power. Her father had gone through what happened to mages when they were caught. He didn't want to same thing to happen to his daughter. Neither of them, as her sister had been the same thing she was. Mage.

The little silver haired girl turned and ran towards her. She had known it was coming, and already opened her arms to hug her. Her youngest. She was only three but already she had some of her father's moodiness. Sangria didn't know why, but she had a feeling this little one would be a mage as well.

There had been a time where that would have brought fear, mind-numbing fear, where it would have driven her to hide away her children before the templars could take them. Mera was already eight, and her and Nitalia fought often. Even at three Nitalia was outspoken, even if she didn't know all the words for what she was trying to say.

Nitalia was talking to Sangria, but she already knew what her daughter was saying. She said the same thing every time the older kids made her feel left out. Sangria just laughed softly and kissed her daughters forehead. "Some day you'll fit in, but you're still little. You've got plenty of time to grow up and get revenge on Mera."

That brought Nitalia's beautiful smile out, white teeth contrasting with dark skin. She looked like her father as well. "I will get her some day!" With that she giggled and pulled away from her mother's robes, turning to run back into the fray of fighting over who got to jump into the pile next.

The auburn-haired boy was already ten, and had recently started templar training. A templar and a mage, best friends. There was more too it, she could already feel that Mera and Maric would always be close, the Champion of Kirkwall's mage daughter and the once Hero of Ferelden's son already showed the early signs of young love. She also had a feeling Nitalia liked Maric too.

"We did it Anders. It was hard, and there's still so much hatred to wipe away, but we did it."

A small smile spread across her face as her fingers raised to delicately stroke her lips. She could still feel his kiss as he had held her close. "We will fight for a world where our children can be born mages and free. Ten years, a hundred years from now, someone like me will love someone like you, and there will be no templars to tear them apart. May the Maker bring us victory or everything else is meaningless."

The smile faded as she wrapped her arms around herself, as if cold. "Mommy? Are you ok?" That was Mera. She even stopped mid-argument to see if her mom was ok.

"Yes honey, I'm fine. Go play." But she wasn't fine. Anders was gone. They'd only had a life together for a few years after fighting their war. The taint he had taken on to himself in his time as a Grey Warden had finally sunk in.

She had remarried since, to another man she loved. Fenris. He had left them when they both waged war against the injustice of mages everywhere. Though he had gotten much better with mages, he still couldn't bring himself to side with them. But, he had also promised he would not fight for the other side. In part, he hadn't joined because he hated mages still, in part, he hadn't joined because he knew he didn't fit in to their world. He had left to figure out what his meaning was. He had once talked of being truly alone when his sister Verania had betrayed him, but in years of dealing with Sangria, he realized being alone wasn't the problem, it was that hadn't known what to do with himself when there was nothing for him to fight for.

Part of her heart had gone with him, and even Anders knew it, but she stayed by his side, and when they finally made a point strong enough, they had married, and had Mera. Then, she had watched the taint start to overtake him. He had hid it at first, and she had just thought he was sick. She had healed the bruises he had gotten with the healing powers he had taught her. She had thought at first that it was the taint finally settling in, but he never tried to go to the Deep Roads as many of his kind did when they felt their time coming. She had thought she was safe. But he didn't want to go out fighting, he wanted to go out with his family.

When he passed was the first time she'd seen Fenris in years. He had heard somehow about Anders. He knew nothing he said could do anything for her, and had simply held her when she cried. Now she had the other part of her heart back, but Anders was still gone. She knew she'd never truly be whole again, but she hadn't been since Fenris left. It was different but not new.

She and Fenris moved into the lands that Alistair had designated peaceful, for both mages and templars. There was no Circle here, only schools mages could go to learn. Templars were trained, just in case, but never did they hurt the good mages, the ones who passed their Harrowings with flying colors or else they were punished. Fenris was surprisingly one of those who trained templars, at least for the combat aspects of it. He'd had many a fight with mages and the society had practically begged for him to do it. And Sangria supported it. They had both realized it was probably the closest he could ever come to sharing her ideals, even while maintaining his own.

It still wasn't perfect. Outside their new land, mages were still hunted, but it was changing. Finally.

She had been so lost in thought she hadn't heard him coming until strong, white veined tanned arms rested over her shoulders. It broke her morbidity a little as her own ice blue eyes lifted to the man now looking down at her.

"Daydreaming again Hawke?"

She laughed a little, before wrapping her arms over her head and around his neck a little. His lips met hers gently for a moment before both sets of eyes returned to the children at play.


End file.
